10 Reasons Why You Should Never Discuss Your Personal Relationship Problems

Every relationship has it’s problems and it is so easy to turn to a friend or family member for advice or a shoulder to cry on. Everyone does it. There isn’t a deep problem in turning to a friend for advice on how to split household chores or how they resolve small problems like finding the time to have quality time together when both spouses have a busy work schedule. Advice for dating ideas is always great and sometimes we need to figure out new ways to communicate with our partner. Childcare is a whole other ballgame. I’ve been known to complain about our laundry crisis. But when it comes to big problems or arguments in a relationship, you need to think twice before sharing the personal and intimate details of your marriage problems with a friend or family member.

When a friend turns to me for advice, I do my best to be an empathetic ear, but I don’t say anything negative about their partner, make assumptions, or give out advice that could go wrong. I usually advize; “Talk to them.” Or I give out resources that they can turn to such as books because I’m not a professional and the last thing I want to do is cause harm to my friend or her relationship. But not every friend will do the same. Most become blindly defensive of their friend, which could cause more harm to their friend than good when you’re trying to offer your love and support.

If you’re considering divorce, struggling with controlling behavior, financial control in a relationship, being unfaithful or facing infidelity at home, etc. these are problems you should only discuss with your partner or share with a professional. However, if you are struggling with real abuse at home, that is something you should reach out to all of your loved ones to have support and to get help to get away. If you need help, you can find resources at https://www.thehotline.org.

When it comes to big struggles in a relationship and you’re hoping to turn things around, reaching out for advice is instinctive, but it could cause more harm than good. These are the ten reasons why you should never confide in your friends and family about your marriage problems:

One. They are your friends and family, not theirs. And that makes a big difference. No matter what, they will be biased in your favor and believe your side of the story, even when there is a whole other side to that story. And there always is.

Two. They can project their own marriage and relationship problems onto you. Before you know it, you’re seeing negative things in your partner that you never saw before and that stokes the flames to your fire. It is unfair to you and it is unfair to your partner.

Three. They’re not a trained professional and can end up giving you some really bad advice. If you’re looking to fix your relationship, this can cause more harm. Beware their opinion.

Four. Their experience is not your experience. Each person and relationship is different. What worked or failed for them, might be the exact opposite for you, even if they have a relationship you admire. Their own experiences and relationships have shaped them and their experience does not apply to your relationship.

Five. It can prevent you from ever fixing what you are upset about. Not only does it throw hot coals onto the fire, if you try to mend things later, the people you confided in might be against it. They might put your decision down, intervene with your reconciliation, or harass or demean your partner. Here you are feeling great that things are on the mend and your friend calls you to say that you’re making a mistake.

Six. It takes a big toll on the relationships of the people you confide in. They might start questioning their own relationships or even start projecting your problems onto their marriage. They could start fearing that their relationship will turn into yours and they end up creating rifts where there were none. It’s no secret that when a friend or close relative gets a divorce, it is highly likely that the marriages around them will also be tested.

Seven. If you do forgive and forget, your family won’t! They’re protective of you and they might end up treating your spouse badly long after you’ve reconciled. This can doom your recovery and your marriage.

Eight. Maybe you’re the one that is wrong. Maybe you can’t see it, especially with biased friends cheering you on. You might be wrong and instead of fixing things, you’ll cause more hurt. Perhaps you have not examined how you contributed to the problem.

Nine. Maybe you’re angry or hurt and in the heat of the moment you’re trying to get back at your partner by making them look bad to other people. You want to throw them under the bus and publicly shame them for hurting you. That vindictiveness will destroy your relationship. Even if you didn’t mean it, your partner might perceive it that way. You’ll most likely regret it later, but there will be nothing you can do to take it back.

Ten. You might hurt your partner or even your friends. Maybe you’re trying to resolve things and get advice, but instead you’ve broken your partner’s trust. You’ve harmed their reputation among your loved ones and now your partner feels ostracized, embarrassed, bullied, or wrongly accused. They’re too ashamed to face your friends again and now the relationships between your friends and partner is destroyed.

As you can see, you want to think twice before sharing your personal problems, even with your closest friend. If you want to fix your relationship, do it internally with them. Communicate with your partner. Tell them how you feel. Listen to how they feel. Come up with compromises or ways to build back trust, respect, and affection. Learn to apologize or accept an apology. Put the work into healing yourself if you’ve been hurt or been the one to hurt so that it doesn’t become an ongoing issue within your relationship. Do not hold grudges; if you decide to forgive, really forgive. And if you do need extra help, find a qualified marriage counselor that can mediate and guide.

If you must turn to a friend, only do so when you know without a doubt that the relationship is completely over and lost because there is no going back. You don’t want to burn your own bridge. If you truly love someone and want things to work, you need to put them and your relationship first, even when you’re tempted to talk about them because you’re feeling hurt, emotionally abandoned, blocked out, or betrayed. If there is a chance to fix it, this is your best chance.

Matthew and I have been together for nearly twelve years and married for two. We’re not perfect. I have complained about our laundry disagreements a time or two and I’m sure Matthew has his own complaints, but anything personal I have always kept between us where it should be. I do this because I love my husband. I don’t ever want to hurt him or make him feel uncomfortable around my family and friends by sharing our problems or mistakes. I trust him to have the same respect for me. Everyone makes mistakes of some kind in a relationship, but how you deal with them decides if your relationship will heal or not.