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I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry for focusing on my health, my happiness, or my well being. I’m not sorry for working on my goals, getting my degree, starting a business, or marrying the man that I love. And I’m not sorry for working on my happiness. It feels good to say all of that. The truth is that everyday people are being made to feel guilty or even suffer from resentment from family, friends, and peers over your successes and happiness. When you work on yourself you’ll get support and praise along the way, but with the good also comes people who are envious, resentful, or simply selfish in the glow of your endeavors. These people want to make you feel bad, or even guilty. Perhaps you have experienced this particular manipulation or guilt trip before.
When you work hard at something you will find yourself with many supporters and also many “haters”. Some people will start off being supportive then shift as envy, resentment, or their bad self-esteem blocks their ability to see things rationally. By you being happy or working hard on your happiness, they believe that you don’t care about what they are going through. They feel that you cannot relate, that you’re leaving them behind, that you’re “lucky” and they’re not. Sometimes it may even feel that people would prefer you to be miserable and depressed than happy and successful in your life goals and well being. And maybe they really do feel that way. And when this behavior comes from the people who should be our greatest supporters, that can hurt the most.
If you find yourself as the person feeling anger, envy, or resentment for someone else’s happiness or successes, then you need to stop any negative behavior you may be doing as a result and focus on your own well-being for a while. This is your brain’s way of saying your life is lacking something. Do your best to be happy for that person and supportive instead of being the negative person to bring them down. Turn that energy inwards and work on your own self-care.
And if you have received comments about your lifestyle that bring you down over something that should uplift you (like a job promotion, you’re taking a much needed break or vacation, you reached a new milestone, you joined a gym, you’ve been working on your fitness goals, you aced a test, you just started a family, you got engaged, or you managed to overcome your depression), then that comment has absolutely nothing to do with you. That is on them. That is someone trying to make you feel bad for doing well because they’re not doing well. As simple as that.
That is guilt you do not deserve to carry. This guilt trip can take away from your own well being, keep you from sharing your happiness with others, make you feel isolated from loved ones, may prevent you for reaching for great opportunities in the future, or even induce sadness for doing well when others are not. No one should ever be put down for doing well and living a good life. In fact, those are things people should support and want for others. Happiness and well being deserves to be celebrated, not repressed, shunned, looked down on, or hidden.
Focusing on your happiness does not mean that you are unaffected by emotional events, it does not mean you do not care for others, and it does not mean that you feel like you are better than anyone else. It sometimes seems like the world is overly busy and miserable these days. If you’re not busy, exhausted, overworked, or miserable too then you don’t fit into the “club.” That is no way to live. And when the going does get tough, your well-being is what gets you through it. Having strong mental health gets you through the tough times and that is something to appreciate and be proud of. Being pulled down by people who resent your well being doesn’t solve problems or help the other person, it just brings your mental health down too.
If you’re feeling guilty because you’re not shattering and you’re still holding on to a good life, then stop. Nothing good comes from letting yourself suffer to make other people feel better about themselves. Let go of that guilt. You are not creating any hardships on others for living a good life.
It is normal to feel guilt over doing something wrong or hurting someone, but feeling guilty over doing well is not a healthy behavior. People who feel guilt over their own well being tend to not enjoy the moment, fear that something bad will happen every time something good occurs, spread themselves too thin helping others, and are usually surprised by the backlash they receive from the people they are helping for not doing enough. It is an exhausting and painful way to live, especially during moments that should be filled with joy. If any of this sounds familiar, you need to stop apologizing and start appreciating your good fortune and your hard work. I know, much easier said than done.
So here is what you can do:
Instead of feeling bad about the good in your life or feeling guilty for your happiness, feel thankful for the good in your life that you have attracted and created. Celebrate it. Tell yourself that you deserve to be happy and healthy because you do. Then wish your haters all the happiness in the world and keep living your best possible life. You’re not doing anyone any favors by lowering your own happiness and mood to make others feel better about themselves.
Make sure you plan time for your own well-being and maintenance; go for a nature walk, meditate, cook healthy meals, visit the gym, take a relaxing bath, do a hobby, call a friend, and make time for yourself.
We lift ourselves by lifting others, not by putting people down. When you’re in this situation it is easy to be carried away by hurt feelings, despair about the situation, or the guilt that is induced from doing better than your peers or loved ones. Remember that you deserve a good life and the happiness that you have worked for. Instead of focusing on the hurt, focus on your strengths and being a positive reinforcement for that person. If the emotional manipulation of that individual is consuming your entire relationship then it may also be time to evaluate whether or not you want that person in your life. If you have to remove them from your life it is not because you cannot be there for them, but because they cannot be there for you. Never say sorry for taking care of yourself.
