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I share a lot of myself on the blog, but I also realized that there is plenty that I keep tucked away. Somehow I am both an open person and also intensely private. Although I talk about my personal life frequently in my posts, I very seldom share personal details or go in depth, even though I do believe it is important to share our struggles. Life online is curated and edited, although not always on purpose.
My mission for Live Lovely is to do just that; live a lovely life, to help others define what that means to them, and to help them achieve it in a lifestyle that is authentic to them. No life is happy all of the time. We all have our struggles to work through, even people who share positivity online and on social media.
This week I am truly happy. Monday and Tuesday were very difficult days. I had some really tough days last week. Six months ago, even three months ago, those days or even small moments of sadness, hurt, anger, despair, loneliness, or shame would have carried through every moment of my day and my week and continued to compile. These days I am grateful to be in a much better place, to be able to accept what I am feeling, acknowledge it, and to continue moving forward instead of being pulled in deeper. It took a lot of work to get to this point, and even now I can still slip. It has taken me a while to build up resilience.
I will not share very personal details; it would not be fair to the people I love or to myself. We all have private lives that are ours alone and deserve that respect. I also want to be open and honest on the blog though, especially regarding the topic of mental health and wellbeing. I feel that honestly and sharing our stories is the best way to help ourselves and to help each other. People should be shown a more honest life perspective online, not just perfectly curated moments. How could I possibly share my mission to help people live lovelier lives if I cannot share my darker moments too?
My journey with living lovely started back in college with the realization that I could create the life I wanted to live. I reinvented myself, grew my confidence, lived, learned, and built on my experiences. Two years ago this April I quit a toxic job. Sadly, it was not the first time. A couple years before I had to quit a job with a boss that not only underpaid and took advantage, but harassed me and crossed some inappropriate lines. He was also verbally abusive. I had to quit without a backup job. I learned from that experience though. By the time I had to quit that last job, I knew what was acceptable and what was not. I knew my boundaries and I knew how to create an exit strategy. I learned to value myself. So when a relatively new employee at our office was bullying me so badly that I developed anxiety, I knew what to do. After doing everything I could to mend the situation and work with my superiors and HR where they ended up believing her over me, I had to quit. On my way to the office every morning my hands would shake uncontrollably and I would cry the entire drive back. My health was suffering and the situation at work was escalating where I was concerned for my safety and my wellbeing. You can read more about the experience here, but essentially I gave up my job security, my incredible benefits, and my financial freedom to take care of me. It ended up being a blessing because I was able to pursue my photography and I started this blog.
I took up a part-time job as a safety net and got to work on my dream life. My husband (fiancé at the time) was so supportive of every step I made. We had to make some big decisions together. Shortly after, he was also inspired to make some educational and career moves of his own. It was difficult and it took time, but after three months my anxiety was gone and I found happiness in my daily life.
In our society, we’re taught to want more; more wealth, more stuff, more promotions, more recognition, etc. I found that I actually wanted less of all of that so I could have more of what mattered to me; more time, more creativity, more freedom, more travel, and more connection.
I was happier. I was still figuring things out and planning a wedding, but I was happier. That is when my personal life fell apart. I will keep the specifics private, but I also wanted to be open with you. Some friendships disappeared. Several people close to me shamed me for being happy and for my blog. The constant put downs made me afraid to post. A few people I am very close with were struggling with addictions, some of which I was unfairly blamed for, and suicide attempts were made by a couple people that I love, one immediately before my wedding. Although I loved my wedding day; the ceremony will always be a fond memory, I was depressed, exhausted, and in distress for most of the time leading up to it and none of it had to do with my wedding. Drama surrounded the day and continued afterwards. Matthew, my husband, was my rock. I chose a wonderful life partner.
After the wedding I had hoped that things would improve, yet the family situations with certain key players intensified. On a rainy Sunday afternoon my elderly cat Mister died in my arms. A few weeks later a childhood friend of mine committed suicide. A few months after that I almost lost a parent. Meanwhile, I felt like a failure. With the wedding planning I had little time to promote my photography and I found myself floundering with my blog. Some people found pleasure reminding me that I wasn’t “going anywhere” with it. I wasn’t living a lovely life, so how could I even blog about it? Yet, my blog is not about perfection. It is about living well, even though adversity. When I opened up with my readers I was touched with the support I was given. For that I will always be grateful. I continued this blog because of you. I learned that what I was going through would not harm my purpose, it simply added dimension to it. I put my own advice to work and started to work more on me.
I joined a new gym and started spin classes once a week. One step at a time I started to work out more, eat healthier, and get more sleep. I had put on twelve pounds before my wedding (when most brides are proudly shedding pounds) and I felt uncomfortable in my skin. I didn’t feel like myself and I was exhausted all of the time. I started another decluttering journey when we renewed our lease, travelled a little bit, and participated in two bridal expos which connected me to some truly lovely couples that I will have the honor of photographing this year and next. Life is still a work in progress, but isn’t it always? Most importantly, I learned to love the now.
I am focusing on my best and genuine friendships, creating boundaries for toxic relationships and situations, and focusing on my health, happiness, and well being. I know that life is a series of ups and downs, but there is always room for change. Life is what you make it, even in the aftermath of tragedy or sadness. If nothing in my life changes significantly, I can still find happiness in the every day and in the simplicity of living and you can too.
With appreciation,
Courtney
