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If you are healing from a trauma or emotional abuse, welcome to my blog today. This blog post is about what to expect the first month after going no contact or getting away from an emotionally abusive person, group, or situation. You can find my posts about the first day and the first week here. I am not a professional therapist, nor can I give out advice that will work or be relatable to everyone. I’m sharing these posts as a way to bring attention to emotional abuse, specifically narcissistic abuse, and to help others like myself find the resources to heal and to thrive.
I’m hoping that by sharing my own experiences that others in my shoes may feel less alone and know that there is healing moving forward. I cannot tell you what to do for yourself or what will heal you, but I can share resources that will point you in the right direction. If you are here after reading my first two posts, I hope that the beginning of your healing journey is giving you peace and clarity. We’re well on our way to living happier and healthier lives again. It is in reach. Before we begin, I will restate a few key points. If you have read this all before, skip ahead to the post below.
I hope that you’re feeling safe and secure right now and that this blog serves as an emotionally safe place for you. This post is written for anyone who has had to or is planning to go no contact with an emotionally abusive family, family member, co-worker, boss, friend, or partner, however, it is written from the perspective of someone who has been scapegoated by a narcissistic family unit and has had to walk away. No matter the emotional abuse, our bodies react in similar ways with adrenal fatigue, anxiety, and depression. Every person’s experience is different and your feelings are valid. I hope that this blog post can bring you some peace during your first day away.
If you need help, please speak to a professional therapist, social worker, or the police if you are in psychical danger. I am not a trained professional, simply someone who has been through numerous complex traumas in childhood and early adulthood. Because I am not a professional, I am not giving out professional advice and my posts are not a replacement for real therapy. I have had therapy myself and highly recommend it. Instead, I am here to offer my own personal experience and share the wisdom I have learned after escaping an emotionally abusive situation. I am making this a small series that I will be sharing in the wellbeing category of my blog.
In these posts I will be sharing what helped me in the moment during my first day, week, month, three months, six months, and year after making the decision to get away and to heal my life. It is my hope today that this blog post can help you start your own healing journey and find some relief to the anxiety, hurt, and depression that you may be feeling now. I went through it and I know how suffocating it is. I didn’t think that it could ever get better, but I knew I had to try one day at a time. I knew that I could not continue living the way that I was if I wanted to have a life at all. I had reached a point where I realized that I could not have a real life if I stayed. I was at a breaking point. I hope you haven’t reached that point, but if you have or feel yourself nearing it, now it the time to educate yourself and plan your next move. You should never live a life of walking on eggshells, feeling constantly criticized, manipulated, put down, or even verbally attacked. Here is to a healing first month.
The first few posts in this series are going to be on the longer side because there is so much to impart with you. After the first month is complete, these posts will become a little shorter, but still carry essential information for your first three months, six months, and year of no contact. I hope that you stay the course with your own journey and make it through the healing process so that you will thrive. Let’s begin.
The First Month
You were brave enough to save yourself and go no contact. It comes with a roller coaster of emotions from relief to guilt to grief. You will have good days and bad days, sometimes everything in between in a single day alone. I’m here to tell you to have compassion for yourself and trust that you will heal in time. A year ago this month I too was struggling through my first month of no contact. It felt very isolating some days were so peaceful and full of relief. I went back and forth by the hour in my guilt, sadness, anger, and grief. The first month happens in a few stages and the first steps start on the very first day; I recommend getting to a point of safety and self care. The first week is much the same, with the exception of protecting yourself from hoovering attempts and flying monkeys while you begin your healing journey. You will also begin to research what happened to you so that you can understand on a psychological level that it was not your fault, to understand what happened, and to prevent it from becoming a cycle. The first month is much the same, but with more attention to healing. By this point you might still be struggling with accepting what happened. Along with learning acceptance, the first month is full of overflowing emotions and rebuilding from grief to self-esteem to building boundaries at the exact same time you are trying to get the rest of your life on track and perhaps even deal with more fallout from your decision to get away. It is not an overnight healing journey that is for certain, but we also have to practice self-compassion as the healing does take time. You are worth that time. And the end goal is worth reminding yourself of every single day.
The end goal is to free yourself form emotional (or even physical abuse as well), to heal yourself, and to eventually thrive and move on. The best day happens when you wake up one morning and forget your abuser ever existed. You can achieve that.
Your first week is about finding a feeling of safety and security while also educating yourself about what happened. Now that you know and understand that this is not your fault, your job now is to practice acceptance for the truth and to stop ruminating about it. You need to slow down your research because no matter how much you know about what happened and toxic personalities, you cannot change it. Your energy is better invested in your healing now, not researching and ruminating over the past. This month you are going to embrace your present so that you can have a brighter future.
For me, I remember feeling shock after the relief had passed. That shock and the numbness of it were my companions every morning. I would wake up in the morning with a sense of dread and horror at the thought of never seeing the person who abused me again. Horror at the idea of never seeing them again or having what we “had.” And I knew it was messed up to wish to have our connection again. I later learned that this was called a trauma bond and I was addicted to the constant betrayal, blame, and cruelty because my brain had been flooded with it over and over again. It wasn’t just the familiarity of the abuse though, it was those rare happy moments in between that were also addicting and had me constantly questioning if I was simply over reacting to the bad. Because the good was just so good. Or at least, I had been manipulated into believing it was. I was so used to the controlling and discarding behavior that I suddenly felt empty and worthless without it because it had been there for so many years. Suddenly, I had all this extra time and space for other thoughts and I didn’t know how to fill that space. I realized at this point that I had wasted so much time and energy constantly apologizing, groveling, doing as I was commanded, and trying to win and keep approval for those good moments that had become nearly non-existant.
Acceptance
I had to first accept that the relationship was over and second, accept that it never actually was. It was a facade. It was just love bombing and idealization before the abuse and the discard. The person that hurt me was “like a mother” to me, or at least that is what she repeated all of the time so at the time I actually believed it. The reality was much different. I thought I missed this person and our relationship, but I now know that I miss the idea of what I hoped we could have, not the reality of what we actually didn’t have. For example, she said she would always be there for me, but she was usually against me. She said she would love to visit sometime, but did not come to see me even once for three years when I lived in Maryland just a little over four hours away. And then when I moved back to the same state she only came to visit twice in five years and both times it was for a self-serving and cruel purpose. It is easy to fall for the lies when someone keeps telling you what you really want to believe.
The truth is that I didn’t miss the anxiety and fear every time her name popped up on my phone screen. I didn’t miss the dread I felt pulling up to her house and wondering what family mobbing awaited me this time. I wanted so much to be loved and accepted by this person that I spent years jumping through hoops and letting them mistreat me all for their acceptance. The only acceptance I needed now was my own. I loved the stories and the manipulated and gaslit vision that she created, but the reality was an abusive covert narcissist that I do not miss in real life. I had to learn to differentiate between the two; the real person and the persona. I thought for sure my life would be awful once she was not in it, but to my surprise, my anxiety reversed course and my life improved in every way. For a romantic relationship I am sure it is much different than a parental or family relationship, but the methods and the effects are much the same. Your task this month will be to remove the facade of the person you escaped from and face the reality of who they are. You have to face who they really are or you will continue to slide back into old habits. You need to be real with yourself and stop with all the lies you used to tell yourself to excuse their bad behavior. This is cognizant dissonance. Essentially, it means that when something bad or sad happens to us, we try to rationalize it to make us feel better. Like, “I know I didn’t get the job, but it wasn’t going to be a good fit for me anyway. I probably wouldn’t have been happy working there.” Sometimes this is a good thing because it eases the blow of a disappointment, but when we use these false rationalizations to excise the bad behavior of people we love, we fall into dangerous territory. I had to separate what I wanted from the relationship form what I got.
Your job this month will be to practice acceptance. -Acceptance for who they really are, acceptance for who you are, and for what happened. It doesn’t mean that what happened was in any way acceptable or tolerable, but rather that it happened and that it is now over. You need to stop excusing it or saying it “doesn’t matter,” because it does matter. It happened. The emotional abuse was real. Your feelings matter. Once you can accept the truth, you will feel less inclined to feel guilt or regret for getting away. At this stage, you need to recognize that you did the right thing for yourself by going no (or low depending on your situation) contact. It wad your last resort choice for a reason. Practice acceptance so that you can also practice self compassion.
Self Compassion
Now, more than ever, you need to be compassionate to yourself. You are going to be feeling a mix of strong emotions, maybe for a long time. Instead of putting yourself down, you need to raise yourself up. This is the time in your recovery where you should practice compassion for yourself and what you have been through. You do not have to feel better right away. It is natural and ok if you do not. Adopting compassionate self talk helped me immensely. I told myself, “I know you’re feeling hurt right now, but you are a kind and loving person. You’re going to be ok,” whenever I needed to hear it. You will need self compassion at this stage because you might also be experiencing grief.
Self-compassion will help you to stop ruminating. Remember I said that narcissistic abuse is like an addiction? You might not be able to stop thinking about what this person did and ruminate over the pain, the what ifs, and the things you wish were different. The ruminating lasted months for me because it had become a habit over the past couple years to ruminate and reflect over every meeting that had gone wrong. It started small and grew in consistency over the years until it hijacked my thoughts on a daily basis. The first month was particularly difficult. I ruminated over what happened while getting ready in the morning, driving to work, at work, at the grocery store, and in bed at night. I could not turn it off. Meditation turned into an important tool to quiet this rumination, even though it often returned. Slowly, I started thinking about what happened and the pain I was feeling at the betrayal and harm caused by this person less and less.
Grief During The First Month
You just lost a relationship. It was not a good one or a loving one, but the grief is real. There were some good times, which is why this can be so confusing. You could be mourning the grief over losing a friend, a job, a sibling, a parent, a romantic partner, or someone or even something else. You might be wondering how you could be experiencing grief if you were the one to walk away (even if they discarded you first), but the truth is that grief does not discriminate. And to make it worse, the object of your grief is still here as a reminder of what you think you have lost. You might be graving the good aspects of the relationship, but more often than not you are grieving the imaginary relationship with that person. For example, if this was a sibling, maybe you are grieving the sibling bond that you always wanted but never actually had. You can be grieving who you wanted them to be to you. You might find yourself going through the stages of grief from shock to bargaining (“if only…” or “I wish…. happened instead of …”) and even anger.
You will need to let yourself grieve. In my experience, the grieving is what caused me the most amount of anguish and the most amount of time. I grieved the relationship I thought I had with the person, even after realizing it was all a lie. I grieved the relationship I wanted and the “future” I hoped we would have. I grieved the future faking that they promised -unkept promises to go on special trips together that of course never happened. I missed the “good times,” even knowing that they were few and far between or orchestrated for a manipulative goal.
Rebuilding Self-Esteem
Rebuilding your self-esteem at this point is a crucial starting block. It starts here, but does not end here. This may be a life long journey for you. The practice begins when you brush off all the words and accusations of the person who emotionally abused you. In order to control you they had to bring you down and wreck your self-esteem. They had to make sure you would stop fighting back or denying their accusations. The narcissist or emotionally abusive person in your life wanted you to feel bad so that they could make you do what they wanted or to gain more narcissistic supply from you. Perhaps they wanted to manipulate you or leach money, power, attention, or your dependence on them. They needed you to need them. They needed to keep you low and needing them at the same time and what better way to do it than to ruin your self-esteem.
Perhaps your appearance was jabbed at with passive-aggressive comments or even full on insults. Maybe they played the victim in front of you so many times that you felt you had to lower yourself to keep them from feeling jealous of you. Maybe your role in their life was to always fluff their ego. Maybe they put down your skills, your career, your goals, or your hobbies. These are just some examples out of countless scenerios. Whatever it was, be sure that they tore at your self-esteem in large ways, maybe even chip by chip without you noticing at first until there wasn’t much left. In my experience many of the insults were disguised as well meaning advice like, “You really shouldn’t drink/eat that before the wedding so you will fit in your wedding dress.” or back-handed compliments like, “Wow! You look like you’ve lost so much weight! Good for you,” when I had no intention of losing weight or feelings that I should. Or even, “You look just like [character from a film]. I know people don’t think she is pretty, but she is in her own way.” I was also constantly told that blogging was conceited, selfish, and narcissistic after making it known that I started a blog and really enjoyed it. My wedding photography business was always brought into question. When planning my own wedding I was constantly being told that “That doesn’t happen at real weddings,” when trying to plan something that does in fact happen at real weddings. I’m a wedding photographer, I should know, but my expertise was constantly being dismissed, challenged, and brought into question until I stopped standing up for myself over time.
A lot of these self-esteem jibes came from gaslighting and denying your reality. For example, if they said something hurtful and you told them that their words hurt you. A gaslighting response would be “I never said that,” “You’re being too sensitive,” “It was just a joke, why are you always taking things so seriously?” or “I didn’t know that is how you felt about me.” Anything to deny and invalidate your feelings while making you feel like you were the one in the wrong. Gaslighting may have an even larger impact on your wellbeing and self-esteem than passive-aggressive comments because they are aimed at making you constantly question and doubt yourself.
To rebuild your self-esteem you need to throw away the negative comments in your head and the things that they said. If it helps, make a list of beliefs you now have about yourself because of this person or people. It could be about your skills, your education, your career, your competence, your social abilities, your appearance, or any number of things that they tried to make you feel badly about. You nee to ignore their voice in your head and learn how wrong they were. The best way is through practice. Practice doing the things they said you are not good at and take a moment to realize how wrong they were when you start making waves. Also do more of what you know you are good at. Doing things that you are great at is a sure way to raise self-esteem in the moment.
There will be a lot of work left to do, but this is a great start for your first month.
Building Better Boundaries
Most importantly, you need to learn how to build boundaries. You already started when you went no (or low) contact with the person who harmed you, but you need to stay firm in your decision and start building other boundaries in your life to protect yourself. That family friend you love, but is now harassing you to tell you how wrong or cruel you are for going no contact -time to build that boundary, even if it is just for a little while. Try telling them, “I care about you, but if you cannot respect my boundaries then we cannot have a relationship right now.” And follow through. Do not get angry with them because this will just confirm their new beliefs about you. Instead, hold onto your dignity by showing them how abusive they themselves are being and put an end to it.
During the first month, the hoovering and smearing attempts of your abuser might pick up. They might try to contact you through another phone number that you have not blocked, write you letters, or even show up at places you live or go like to your gym. Learn how to block those attempts, build better boundaries, and say no.
I once read a method called the “nope method.” When a toxic person shows up to further attack or even guilt you into coming back, Your abuser might show up at your office or the cafe you go to for your morning coffee. Simply grey rock them and say “nope.” You can say it out loud to them or to yourself. The point is that you do not give into their demands for attention and you move away. You also do not feed them an emotional reaction. You simple say “nope” and leave. You don’t have to say it out loud, but even just saying it to yourself helps you set that boundary. They might try to retaliate by causing a public scene or getting in front of you. Do not feed them the attention and move out quickly. Simply leave. You may also have to mix up your routine for a little while so that they cannot catch you off guard.
Do this with people and for things that zap your energy. Say no to things you do not want to do, even if you are worried that it might hurt someone’s feelings. Obviously, we cannot get out of every commitment (some are just too important and there is a level of tact that is needed with the healthy and loving people in our lives when we can’t accept a new commitment) but we can start sifting through the ones we feel are urgent and the ones that actually are important. Start saying no to busyness and anything that zaps your precious time instead of uplifts you. Go over your calendar and look at it. Does everything on it make your feel fulfilled or fill you with excitement? Keep the ones that do and cross off the ones that don’t. This takes practice, especially when people keep asking you “why?”
Learned how to stop justifying and explaining yourself. You do not owe anyone an answer. No means no and you have a right to say it. Learn how to stop making excuses and just say “no, I can’t.” instead. No justification needed. This was a hard one for me to learn. I kept feeling the need to apologize or “have a good reason” to say no. But when you start valuing yourself this will change. When you master this skill it will be harder for people to take advantage of you and you will not be a target for narcissists.
Stay No Contact
No contact means no contact. You already made it this far so you owe it to yourself to remain firm with your boundaries to protect yourself. After a month has gone by you might feel calmer and might start second guessing your experience and decision. Remember how I mentioned emotional abuse is addictive? It really is. At this stage, you might feel like breaking no contact because you “miss” the person who hurt you. This is the addicted mind speaking. You might start bargaining in your grief and think to yourself that “maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought.” Or you might wish that things could go back to the “way things were,” when they were love bombing and idealizing you into thinking the relationship was great. Remember that a toxic person, especially one who has been given second chances, cannot change. You might even remember all of the good times without thinking about the bad. Remember that even extremely abusive people have good days or moments.
For this final step you need to make sure you are staying no contact by also going cold turkey from checking in on them. Don’t ask people about how they are doing. Don’t check out their social media pages or listed to old messages. Do not have any contact with the idea of them at all. The first month is when they are going to try to use any tool available to them to further hurt you, make you jealous, or provoke you. I guarantee that they will share content in the hopes that you will see it and feel embarrassed, hurt, jealous, or sad. And remember that they also thrive off of your attention, even the bad. If they know that you are watching their Instagram stories they will be feeding off of your energy and taking up your precious time.
In Conclusion
I know this is a longer post, but so much happens in the first month. As a recap, your ultimate goal this month besides keeping up your safety and self care is to practice the following:
Stay no contact.
Practice acceptance.
Practice self-compassion.
Stop ruminating in it’s tracks.
Take care of your grief.
Re-build your self-esteem.
Create better boundaries.
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