Healing From Emotional Abuse | When The Scapegoat Thrives

If you are healing from emotional abuse, welcome to my blog today. In 2020 I created a blog series called “Healing From Emotional Abuse.” It was to help people like myself navigate the first year of no contact with an abusive family member, partner, or even a whole family of origin. I am not a professional therapist, nor can I give out advice that will work or be relatable to everyone. I am sharing these posts as a way to bring attention to emotional abuse, specifically narcissistic abuse, and to help others like myself find the resources to heal and to thrive. This is going to be my last post in the series, but I may bring up similar topics in the future. I am writing this today to let you know that if you are going no contact with a loved one who has irreparably hurt you, that it does get better. Staying no contact is the first step.

If you’re new to this series, you may wish to read the other posts in the series. The first one is here; Healing From Emotional Abuse | The Scapegoat Walks Away | The First Day. You can find more of the series in the “Wellbeing with Live Lovely” tab under the “Lifestyle” tab at the top of my blog page. As always, I do want to remind you that I am not giving out professional advice and I suggest that you seek help from a professional therapist. I’m simply sharing my experience with emotional abuse and trauma, in particular narcissistic abuse from a parental figure and narcissistic family unit, and hoping to give you some tools to point you in the direction for your own healing journey. Please recognize that what I say may relate to you, or it may not relate at all. With all advice, I hope you use what is helpful for you and ignore what does not serve you. It is my hope that by sharing my own experiences and tips for healing that your life will also improve. We’re in this healing journey together.

At this point in my journey I am almost exactly three years no contact. This is my final blog post and my final chapter on this past part of my life because I feel that I have healed from it and moved on. I am ready to let it go and be in the past for good. Although there will always be grief and some sadness, I am at peace with this past. But I felt compelled to finish what I started because I know that there are so many people out there struggling with estrangement or no contact wishing to know that there is something good waiting on the other side of all the hurt and anguish. It does get better.

As I shared in my previous posts, going no contact was never my wish or intention. In a perfect world we would have been able to “fix” the problem and move forward together as a loving family. But this is not a perfect world and no one can fix a situation they did not create, especially when the other party is determined to cause harm. In cases of abuse, no contact is often the only choice left. It is not made to punish, but to protect. I reached a breaking point after many years when I finally realized that I could not longer live this way.

I was in therapy trying to understand what was happening to me. Why I was so depressed and anxious, especially after being with a person who was like a mother to me, even more than my own mother. I did not know what emotional abuse was at the time and I did not have a clear understanding of manipulation tactics, gaslighting, narcissism, or borderline personality disorder. I had no idea that this person who I so loved and looked up to and wanted to please had some form of personality disorder and that they were emotionally abusing me. I didn’t realize that always feeling like I was wrong or bad, even when I didn’t do anything bad, was because of codependency, manipulation, and gaslighting. I did not understand how or why my reality was often denied and I was told that I was “confused” or “remembering things wrong” when I brought up the bad things that had been said or done towards me. I didn’t understand how someone I viewed as so kind and good could make me feel so bad.

At the time I thought codependency was when two or more people were too dependent on each other. I was confusing codependency for enmeshment. What I didn’t know was that my constant need to people please, keep the peace, and make others happy was actually codependency. I became her scapegoat and accepted the role because I wanted so much for her approval and to feel like part of the family. My own mother was an alcoholic and we did not have a safe and loving relationship. To gain that love somewhere else, I accepted another abusive person in my life. She knew this and used it against me, often referring me to other people as her “oldest daughter” to get positive attention and also adoration from me to telling me that she only had one daughter and that I was not a real member of the family. I wanted to belong so badly that I would beg for forgiveness for things I didn’t even do just to be accepted into the fmaily again.

Because she appeared so kind and compassionate in public and when she desired something, I believed her mask as reality. I betrayed myself and ignored my gut instincts to be loved and accepted, always rushing to make her happy and apologizing over things I didn’t even do to earn her forgiveness and love. It was never enough of course, but I spent many years doing everything I could to feel included in the family, even when she put down everything about me from my “dark strange eyes” to my curly dark hair to my education, my clothes, my interests and hobbies, my friendships, my relationship with my husband who was my boyfriend at the time, and my career aspirations. When I was planning my wedding she made comments putting down our wedding plans and ideas. It was all too good for me from the venue to the groom. She didn’t feel like I deserved any of it.

Like any abusive relationship, there were good times. A few fun activities and even day trips to the city every holiday to see a show. I didn’t realize that a lot of it was actually for show. She wanted to put on the image of having the perfect family and my brother and I were the perfect pawns to play to make this image. My brother saw though her the entire time and when he got a little older he was excluded. Of course, there has to be at least a good time here or there or even future faking to keep you coming back. And that’s exactly what happened. I remembered the “good times” as being so good that I didn’t question their rarity or the why. They were also used against me as bait. If I didn’t meet her demands I was excluded and that hurt.

When a therapist made her cruelty clear and I realized this woman did not actually love me, but was controlling and manipulating me to get what she wanted, I was devastated and very confused. He explained what gaslighting was and I realized very quickly why my reality was always questioned and how I was always being told that I was remembering wrong.

She wanted to get back together with my dad and when that chance become very unlikely she wanted to get back at him and destroy him. When she could not use me against him she wanted to hurt me just as badly. She tried to manipulate me into believing my father abused me as a young child when he did not. When I told her that he did not and that she didn’t even know me or my father back then, she kept telling me that I was “confused” or “didn’t understand” or that I was “too young to remember correctly” and that she was helping me see my blocked memories. The fact that she was a psychologist herself (specializing in family trauma) made this behavior all the more insidious. She had already used these tactics on my younger sibling, who at first responded the same way as myself, but over the past couple years had started to also suggest things “may have happened,” things specifically that I remember did not because I was there. The stories kept changing and altering and growing. It was all kept a secret of course. I wasn’t allowed to talk to my sibling about it or ask questions. At the time I didn’t know what triangulation was.

My ex step mom was using psychology against me and my sibling to try to make me believe that things happened when they did not. She was really good at making me question my reality and in other cases I often questioned myself, but when I saw exactly what she was doing I realized just how dangerous she was to my mental health. The memories she told me and that she was constantly changing as her story evolved, never happened. In fact, I remember them quite differently. I also began to realize that she was repeating her own past traumas as if they had happened to my sister. The exact same stories, just with different people. At that point, I saw the situation for what it really was. I was not confused. I was seeing the truth. I knew right away that this was being done intentionally to manipulate me in the most vile way imaginable. The mask had come off. I saw her for who she really was. There was no going back.

I was discarded again at this time and I took it as a sign to get some space and work with my therapist to figure things out. Being decarded was not at all uncommon, but this was the first time I stopped trying to be accepted again. When I didn’t play my normal part of begging to be forgiven and allowed back into the family fold, I was relentlessly harassed with cruel voicemails and messages. She told me that I “owed” her and that she loved more when my own mother did not. My mother is not a healthy woman, but I do know that she loves me. Another voicemail told me that if my sister died it would be my fault.

When I stopped responding I was cut out. It was not the first time I was discarded, but this time felt different. She knew I understood her. Going no contact was not my plan, but it happened. I had accidentally unmasked a narcissists and I had no idea what happened. I accepted that final discard and realized it was actually best for me to not go back to that. As my therapist explained, “why would you go back to an empty well knowing that there is no water there?” Why indeed. Another time he asked me “Why do you keep going back expecting a different outcome?” In other words, he was telling me to stop gaslighting myself into believing that it would be different next time.

The painful part is when my younger sibling cut contact immediately after. Again, I was used to being ignored and blocked when I was not needed, but this time felt final. I can only assume they thought I would come begging for forgiveness like I had been the past few years. But I was done playing that part. I had had enough. I have so much sympathy for my sibling for growing up in that household and under that conditional love, but I could not allow them to abuse me too. I couldn’t let her use my own sibling to keep me in her abuse. And now that my sibling was also an adult I could not allow myself to be treated badly by the both of them just to keep the peace.

I made the decision not to return to an abusive situation and while it felt like the world had ended at the time, I am thriving now and would never go back. In fact, there are many times I wish I had the courage to stand up for myself sooner and even initiate no contact myself several years prior. I look back with frustration at myself for taking on the guilt of their accusations and treatment. But I also feel compassion for what I was going through. Coming from an abusive childhood, the emotional abuse didn’t seem so bad because everything looked so beautiful on the outside. There is no going back now that I see the truth.

My reasoning for sharing this story, and now this final chapter, is because I know that I am not alone in experiencing this. I joined so many online support groups for scapegoats, narcissistic families, children of alcoholics, and support groups for people with bpd loved ones when I started to understand what I was experiencing. I wanted to learn as much as I could to understand what was happening to me and with these people in my life. While I cannot diagnose for certain the people who have harmed me, understanding these dark personality traits and the process they use to manipulate people, it has helped me to understand what I experienced and how to prevent it from happening again. I heard stories exactly like mine over and over again. I had no idea that the emotional rollercoaster I had been subjected to was a common trait amongst abusive and narcissistic family units, or any abusive people for that matter, or that these abusive people follow similar or even identical patterns. The YouTube videos by Dr. Ramani, a narcissism expert, gave me more clarity than I ever realized.

But those first few weeks were so hard. I felt so incredibly guilty and ashamed. I felt like I had done wrong and I felt like a bad person when I stopped taking the abuse. My anxiety was tenfold. My depression took months to get out of. But blocking her phone number was that first step. Suddenly she had no access to me anymore. The harassing and cruel texts stopped, I didn’t received any more manipulative and vindictive voicemails. My phone was not buzzing each and every day to remind me that more hate was being sent my way. My heart stopped freezing every time my phone dinged. As time passed, my bald spots started growing back and the panic attacks subsided. My hands stopped shaking and the flash backs became less frequent. Getting out of bed in the morning became easier. I slowly started living again. That first year I didn’t think I would ever feel better.

Within the first few months the anxiety and depression started to ease, but my pain did not. Six months in I felt more like myself. I realized that I had a lot of post traumatic stress and I started to take better care of myself again. But I still had moments of doubt, sadness, anger (so much anger) and hurt. I didn’t know how this person could pretend so much to love me just to get what she wanted from me. I did not know what I ever did to be treated like that, to be used and discarded the way that I was. I was embarrassed for being a simpering fool for so long and for accepting breadcrumbs to belong. I was angry that my desire to be a good person and to be empathetic could be used against me to hurt and control me. Without the contact though, I had the space to start healing. My empathy was not something to be ashamed of. It was used against me, but now that I know better I have stronger boundaries and I am no longer easily manipulated.

One year in I knew that I had made the right decision removing myself from the system that was destroying me. I was already feeling better and I was no longer afraid to be happy. I started sharing things on social media and my blog again, no longer worried that every post would be scrutinized and used against me. I no longer had to ask my friends not to share photos of me when we met up in case my sibling showed her mom and my phone would blow up saying that I didn’t care about them enough if I was out seeing friends or traveling. That I was self centered for having dinner with my best friend.

But I still didn’t know how to be happy or to completely be myself. I lived in fear of running into them or people they know. I was ashamed of the smear campaign they used to turn people against me. My sibling was struggling with alcoholism and I had never experienced that myself, but then the smear campaign started with stories of me being an alcoholic. Now I realize that these stories were spread to prevent people from seeing the truth or believing me if I ever said anything. It was made to discredit me and to keep my sibling’s alcoholism covered up, even though I never tried to smear them. In fact, I kept their abuse a deep dark secret from almost everyone in my life, especially anyone that knew them. I was trying to protect them at first when I kept thinking that maybe it could still change. But then I realized that I need to stop being ashamed and keeping their secrets. I feel empowering sharing my experience and my truth. I don’t share it with very many people, I am still guarded about who I share my story with, but I also felt strong when I started sharing some of it on my blog as a way to help others going through the same thing. There is a lot still that I have not said and I sometimes worry that they will see these posts. But I also cannot live with that fear.

I have so many great family members and friends who know who I am and who love and appreciate me. But I still lived in fear of the lies and stories they would tell about me, about how they would try to tarnish my reputation and hurt me using other people. I still felt immense grief over the loss of the relationship I wished we could have had, especially with my younger sibling. I grieved who I thought they were. My entire life had revolved around pleasing them and doing as they asked for so long that I did not know what to do anymore.

Two years in I felt mostly healed, but still sad very often. I spoke with a new therapist who helped me deal with my grief. I no longer felt sadness over the loss of the relationship with my ex step-mom. I rarely think of her these days and I feel sorry for her for living with that much hate in her heart. I felt a sense of relief to be away from her, especially now that I know who she really is. It suddenly made sense why she had no close friendships or relationships, even with her own family. I am now thankful to have gotten away from her. But the loss of my younger sibling is harder to bear.

At the same time, I feel sympathy for my sibling for having her as a parent. It is easy to see why they fell into addiction as a young teen and developed bpd. It can still be hard some days because I will always love my sibling, even though I know they are unwell and my life is safer and healthier without them in it. I had to come to terms and accept the loss, and learn to love from a distance. But I will always feel sadness over this loss as my relationship with my younger sibling was my entire life for so long. A big part of that is because my ex step mom trained me, us both really, that I was there to be the emotional support for my sibling. I really believed it was my role as a big sister to constantly be there and do as they wished.

I remembered how I would visit every other weekend as a kid and I spent the entire weekend playing games she wanted and doing my best to be a good big sister. I loved spending time with her. I remember how her mother would never brush her long hair and it would turn into a huge matted mess in the back several inches wide. “She won’t let me brush it,” her mom told me, and at the time I never questioned why my sibling wouldn’t let her mom near her hair for weeks straight or why her mom would neglect her hair. I would tell her stories about Rapunzel as I slowly and gently combed through every tangle until the nest of hair was smooth. It was our routine for ages; every other week I would be back and do it again. Looking back all I can see is how neglectful she was to her.

My younger sibling grew up believing I was responsible for their feelings and I grew up believing the same. The enmeshment was not their fault or mine, and I know they were manipulated even more by their parent than I was. I also knew how jealous she was of me when we were younger and I never realized it was because her mom was using me against her when it came to grades in school or other things. I also remember her selfishness and I remember thinking it was because she grew up in a good house with all of her needs met. She had nothing bad to compare it to. I constantly excused her behavior, even when her behavior made other people uncomfortable.

But I also know that they are an adult now and they are responsible for their own behaviors. I also recognize how manipulative my sibling can be and how far they are willing to go to destroy me. The violent outbursts were terrifying. I have never seen an adult have such rageful temper tantrums. The way she strung people along and bullied them online; friends, roommates, and even boyfriends. I remember how one of her boyfriends dumped her because she was seeing another guy behind his back. I knew it was wrong, but I also kept making excuses for her because her mother did.

It is not safe for me to have them in my life and as I had just gotten married, I realized I would not ever allow them around my future children. So then why was I allowing this all to happen to me? The second year was about accepting my grief and moving forward with it.

Now it is almost exactly three years in. I have heard of some people feeling healed within months of no contact and others taking several months to several years. This healing journey is different for everyone, but I have noticed that there are a few key things people who are thriving have done; they have stayed no contact completely (that means no looking up the abusive people online too), they have worked with a therapist or continue to speak with a therapist, they take care of their mental health, have healed their codependency, protect their energy from toxic people, build healthy boundaries, and take care of their health. People who have healed have learned to love themselves and prioritize their health and wellbeing. I’m getting there too. And so can you.

This past spring I came to the realization that my anxiety and depression was completely dormant. I still have moments, but I do not ruminate at all anymore and thoughts of them are now few and far between. I no longer feel like a part of me is missing. I have developed healthy habits and I am now on my way to creating the life I have always wished for myself. I have true kind love in my life, positive relationships at work, at home, with friends, and with my family. I feel proud of myself for standing up for my safety and wellbeing and for having the strength to say no more. I have compassion for who I used to be.

I protect my energy and who I spend my time with. I no longer get dragged into other peoples drama and can be loving and supportive without losing myself or getting pulled in. I’m no longer codependent nor do I self sabotage to make myself a smaller target. I do my best to help and support people when needed, but I also have firm boundaries. I have learned that it is possible to be empathetic and to be kind without giving up myself trying to help others. I no longer feel guilty for things I have not done wrong and no longer second guess my own memories and reality. I say no when I need to. People can no longer manipulate me into playing into their hands.

Three years in, life is not perfect, but I am extremely happy and feel hopeful for the direction my life is heading. I have broken generational trauma and have healed my life in many ways. I can honestly say that I am thriving.

Thriving looks different to different people. The question you need to ask yourself today is “what do you want your life to look like?” Or ‘What does thriving mean to you?” Say the answer out loud or in your head. Write it down. If you cannot visualize what you picture thriving to be yourself, it will be harder to attain it.

At first I thought of thriving as no longer feeling guilty and bad all of the time. I saw thriving as an absence of anxiety and depression. I was able to put in the work to reach that goal. I spoke to a therapist, meditated every morning, got my body moving even on days when it felt hard, and I spent more time in nature. My point is that everyone has an idea in their head of what thriving looks like. It can be getting out of bed in the morning, holding down a job to support yourself, or going back to school. Thriving can mean putting aside some savings each week or making it to that weekly yoga class or showing up for yourself in some way. It can mean finding a healthy relationship, starting a family, or moving to that place you wanted to move to. Thriving looks different to all of us, but we can all agree that it means happiness and safety.

No contact at the beginning felt like a punishment. I felt that I deserved the pain for not being able to fix it. That I was a bad person. I was not able to keep the peace and I had failed as a person, as a daughter, and as a sister. I ran myself ragged trying to keep them happy and it was never enough. Now I know that it needed to happen to get myself healthy. No contact had to happen for me to become a more resilient person. It had to happen to break the cycle of abuse and to stop being the family scapegoat. I needed for it to happen so that I could be myself and give myself permission to thrive.

In the past every time I shared or reached a goal, a dream, a trip, or even just dinner with a friend my phone would blow up with cruel messages. I could not do anything that made me look happy because it would cause their anger. I was literally afraid to be happy, afraid to travel, afraid to succeed. My role in that family unit was to be less than to make them feel better about themselves. When I started to thrive and heal in my life and when I became engaged and my career prospects improved things started to go downhill because I was no longer playing the role they needed of me. Take a lesson from me and only surround yourself with people who want good things for you. Do not tolerate people wanting bad things for you to make themselves feel superior. It is so hard to come to that realization because the way we love our families. Empathetic people often betray themselves to stay loyal those those who hurt them simply because they are family. Please do not tolerate anyone causing you harm, no matter who they are to you.

The thing about narcissists is that they will always see you as the problem and them as the victims, even when they’re hell bent on destroying you. They will never take responsibility for themselves or their actions. There is no accountability or self awareness. The best thing you can do is take responsibility for yourself. If you are reading this today, healing from going no contact, I want you to know that you are worthy of love, that you are a good person, and that you deserve to thrive. If you have had to leave an abusive family of origin you will find and create your own family. You will thrive. It may hurt a whole lot getting there or take longer than you hoped, but one day you will be so relieved that you escaped. You are free now. Free to be yourself, free to feel what you feel, free to heal, free to be happy.