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I often feel that anxiety and depression is caused by those feelings of “too much.” I have struggled many times since my teen years with this sense of overwhelm which builds up into anxiety and even bouts of depression and great sadness that cannot be shaken. I’m actually feeling that way right now.
It is not just work or a busy wedding season. It is a compilation of being too busy compiled with previous trauma, family drama, financial stress, my wedding photography business being sidelined by Covid for so long and barely recovering, this pandemic, the stress of another loved one compiled on top of my own, and the fact that one of my best friends moved across the country and my sister announced that she too is moving a plane ride away. I’m missing people in my life. My health isn’t at its best and that in itself stresses me out. It is that “too much at once” feeling that makes it hard to deal. Even all the good “to dos” are getting a little overwhelming. Life is complicated, but not having the space in between to process, work through, and rest truly compounds the problem and that can lead to a mental health crisis. When speaking to my friends, it is this same factor of “too much” that seems to have the most impact on our mental health.
I’m a deeply private person, which seems unlikely because I have a blog and I have shared quite a bit of myself on this platform, but I do keep much of my past and my deepest struggles between myself and my closest confidants. I feel that I share about 20% of myself on the blog and the other 80% is for me and my loved ones. I’m happy with that scenario. I am not going to share it all here as I am so protective over the vulnerabilities I have (and often for good reason) but I also always want to be honest with my readers because I know how much we all experience life’s ups and especially its downs. I know how much hearing the stories of others can help us with our own. Most of us have been there. And pretending everything is fine and dandy all the time has a deep emotional cost to not just myself, but to those who read my blog. I consider this blog post to be sharing an extra 5% with you today.
I post a lot of pretty pictures on this page and on social media. I’m a wedding photographer that photographs happy days and I do photo shoots for myself and my blog. These photographs share my creative side. They’re my way of expressing myself, getting creative, exploring, and finding joy. In more basic terms, it is a curated highlight reel, not my real life. I’m not going to go onto my stories on Instagram or Facebook and cry to the camera about my bad days. For professional reasons I definitely could not do that because I have a job and it could harm my job security. I also don’t want to share every vulnerability with my followers and I feel that it is a healthy boundary to have. I don’t want to trigger anyone or dump my feelings on those who are looking for more uplifting content. I also don’t want to be fake positive with all of you. But I so much want to be honest with you. I’m not ok right now and that in itself is ok.
I’m struggling. I’m reaching out for help by my closest friends and family members. I’m reading a book about depression. I’m trying to get the space and rest I need in every in between so that I can be myself again and put all of my energy into the important things and show up for my clients in the best of ways.
And I wanted to share this with you to say that your feelings are valid, no matter how “bad” they are. It is ok to struggle sometimes. If you are, I hope that you too are getting the help that you need. I have shared a lot about complex trauma and anxiety in the past, but have been too ashamed or embarrassed to share the depression part, even though realistically, I feel that it is a given. I feel that it is so obvious, yet I am always surprised by how many people say “You’re life is so perfect,” or “I wish I was happy all of the time like you,” or “You’re so bubbly and upbeat all the time,” when inside I have been feeling so bad. It baffles me how so much of what I am feeling on the inside is completely unseen by those around me. That when I’m struggling to keep it all together people simply assume I’m “stoic” or “don’t care” about everything else going on around me. Inside I care too much. I take on too much. I am so self-critical when what I need most right now is self-love and self-compassion. The perceptions and feelings of those around me have a big impact on how I feel too.
I am getting the help I need. Realistically, I know to see the bigger picture. I have so much gratitude for the good I have and have accomplished. But having gratitude for our blessings does not mean we don’t also have difficulties to face. Both can exist at the same time. On the outside I appear to be doing great and in some ways I truly am. Sometimes it is hard to remember that. But being reminded by others to see the bigger picture when the smaller picture inside hurts to much just feels so invalidating. So this week I am prioritizing rest.
I am slowing down my social media posts this week, slowing down blog posts too for that matter. I am simply focusing on the tasks that need to be done this week and nothing more. For the past three months I have not had a single weekend completely off. I’ve had weddings, photo shoots, family gatherings, birthday parties, and all sorts of “must do” events, but I am reclaiming this weekend for myself because I have another wedding coming up and several photo shoots. At night after work I am editing photos for my clients, but I am also setting aside me time when my task for the night is complete. I’m taking more baths and reading more paper books instead of reading from a screen. I’m getting outside; going for walks, reading out on a picnic blanket, and handling tasks like cleaning after myself or taking care of myself a little at a time.
Yoga and meditation helps, but when faced with depression all of this good advice doesn’t always work. Of course I know I need to eat three healthy meals a day, shower every other day, get in exercise, sleep a full eight hours a night, and drink lots of water. I know I need to be social with my loved ones. I know all of this, but the thing about depression is that it keeps us from having the energy, the motivation, and the ability to do it. I kow exercise will help, but I’m just so tired. I know sleeping will help, but I’m wide awake at one in the morning. I’m reading a book that suggested micro steps. Instead of feeling like I have to do it all I’m just doing a tiny bit at a time. A tiny bit of photo editing. Washing a few dishes instead of taking on the entire sink full. Doing a few stretches instead of a full work out. Instead of staying in my bed all morning, moving to the sofa in the living room. Opening the blinds to let the light in. Doing a little one step at a time instead of doing it all.
Prioritizing rest is hard when there is so much left to do. But it is essential in order to protect your energy, especially when that energy is so depleted. If you too are feeling this way, I hope you take a moment each morning and each evening (or even in the middle of the day if you need it) to prioritize a moment for yourself. Simple rest. Take deep breaths, drink something soothing like green tea or a cup of water. Do a gentle stretch. Take a bath. Read a book. Instead of pushing your feelings away, accept them and give yourself time. You are not alone.
