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This is a blog post for anyone who feels a sense of loss or sadness around the holiday season instead of holiday cheer. I’m going to be vulnerable here and share a little about myself because I know that I am not alone in my experience. I believe what I have to say may help someone in a similar position. Christmas is not a happy time of year for many people. It can be traumatic or bring back a lot of bad memories. The holidays may hold feelings of grief, loss, anger, or deep sadness.
Even if time does not heal old wounds it gives us an opportunity to create new memories and change our present situation. We have the power to take back our lives and create new holiday traditions. It does not erase the past, but it can bring us joy in the present. The future may not always look like how we expect it to. We don’t have to repeat the past and we can break old cycles and generational trauma.
As a child in a household with my alcoholic mother and her boyfriend, the holidays were filled with emotional landmines. We still got a tree, but it was a stressful event and there was a lot of drunken fighting and threats during the decorating of the tree. I was often carted between homes; my mom’s house, my mom’s boyfriend’s parents home, my maternal grandparent’s house, my dad’s condo, or my father’s girlfriend’s home. Often I felt like a holiday prop, not truly belonging anywhere.
I never knew when the next time would come where I would have to hide away to protect myself or if the police would show up. In college I often couch surfed around holiday break because I did not have anywhere to go. When home, I walked on eggshells to prevent setting my mom’s boyfriend off. When I got older my mom had a different boyfriend with a different temperament I had to navigate around. Still, there were a few happy moments in the chaos and I have a lot to be thankful for.
That being said, I know now just as I knew then that there were people out there who had it worse. I felt and still feel so much gratitude. But even knowing this, it is healthy to honor your own experience. Your feelings are valid. There is always going to be someone who has it worse than you, but that does not diminish your pain or make it any less real.
There is always going to be someone who has it worse than you, but that does not diminish your pain or make it any less real.
I was fortunate enough to have presents to open on Christmas morning and we had a roof over our heads. Even though our house did not have heating until I left for college, we had a wood stove and I would sit in front of it with a big blanket for warmth. Holiday movies would play on tv as a welcome distraction. We celebrated Christmas day at my grandparents house with my many cousins. I really loved those days at my grandparent’s house as a kid. Even with these happy moments, the holidays made me very sad into adulthood, especially when I became estranged from some of my close family members in my later twenties.
My father tried his best when I was little and today he is still a positive presence in my life. We built gingerbread houses on Christmas eve the years we were together and he made getting a tree a family ritual. My father would take us to see holiday shows in the city. He also made sure we had exciting stocking stuffers, which is why I still love Christmas stockings to this day. They often featured a letter from Santa written on colorful wrapping paper and I still have some of them today. It is because of my dad that I have that one holiday tradition I look forward to each year; the Christmas stocking.
Traditions can also be landmines.
Traditions can also be landmines. Some “traditions” are just bad habits that we relive every holiday. Like when some families gather despite hating each other and fights predictably break out year after year. “Traditions” like that are best left behind. Other traditions as innocent as baking holiday cookies might be tainted with bad memories (like the time my mom’s boyfriend broke our kitchen oven in a violent fit of rage) or we feel a loss about missing out. Growing up, I never baked holiday cookies with Christmas shaped cookie cutters. I have never made gingerbread men at home and we never participated in family festivals and tree lightings. At the time, it felt like a big loss as a kid when I saw all my friends and classmates bringing in their baked goods and talking joyfully about the fun activities they did with their family over Christmas break.
As an adult, we can still feel like we’re missing out. Perhaps we have lost a loved one, have gone no contact to protect ourselves, are estranged from a relative, have an alcoholic or dysfunctional family, came from an abusive household, or don’t have biological relatives to celebrate with. Seeing all the holiday joy around the holidays between our peers and social media and perfect holiday made for tv movies, seeing all this holiday joy when we do not have it can be painful.
Now that I am an adult, I can leave the habits that are not serving me in the past, protect my energy around the holidays, and write a new story for myself. I can create the kind of Christmas I wish I had when I was younger. Repeat that to yourself because you can do it too.
I can’t tell you how many Christmases I wished I had a healthy family and that I felt safe over the holidays at home. These days, I live in a safe place and I now have traditions of my own that I have been collecting for myself over the past few years. The holiday season starts when I watch my favorite holiday film, A Christmas In Connecticut (1946). My husband and I get a tree and decorate it with ornaments that we have been adding to each year. We honor our feelings of sadness, but we also feel so much gratitude for the love and family we have found. I advise you to share the holidays with your found family if your family of origin is not here or loving or accepting of you.
But also do not get caught up in feeling like you have to do it all or that things have to be perfect this time around. Chances are, doing the activities on your list like going to a tree lighting or baking cookies may be fun, but it can also stir up some sad moments. We also might go overboard trying to do everything we missed out on. To prevent overwhelm or burnout around the holidays, make a list of your top three holiday activities and stick to it.
If there is something that you find joy in, why not make it into a new tradition?
Do more of the things that bring you joy. It is really silly to some, but I love holiday ribbons. I’m obsessed with the wooden spools from Martha Stewart that they sell at Homegoods each year. They make me think of what the holidays must have been like in Louisa May Alcott’s time period. So each year I have made it a tradition to run to Homegood’s and buy a couple wooden spools of twine and ribbons for my holiday wrapping and projects simply because it makes me really happy. I display the wooden spools as holiday decorations and use them when I wrap gifts.
If there is something that you find joy in, why not make it into a new tradition? Pay more attention to the activities that bring you joy. It can be something as simple as finding holiday cards to send to your friends, going ice skating at a local rink, watching your town’s tree lighting each year, listening to a favorite holiday album, or making your favorite dessert.
Choose to protect your peace this year
We can also opt out of events or activities that trigger our grief, sadness, or anxiety. If there are certain holiday songs or activities that make you sad because of past associations, you don’t need to listen to them. You can also say no to being around people who hurt you. You do not have to go anywhere for the holidays that you do not wish to.
Even if you are being pressured, guilted, or threatened into attending a holiday dinner or party with someone or even a group who does not respect you, you do not have to say yes. People might get angry with you, but you are not in control of them and you are not responsible for the way they feel. You are, however, responsible for respecting and honoring yourself. Choose to protect your peace this year instead.
Be kind to yourself and honor your feelings
Honor your pain. Don’t brush it under the rug and let it fester, but also do not allow it to contaminate your entire holiday. If you accept how you are feeling you can be kinder and more compassionate to yourself and allow yourself to find joy in the simple things. Ignoring your pain will only make it worse. If you are struggling with grief from a loss or estrangement, give yourself time. No matter what you are healing from, healing is not linear, the holidays can stir up all kinds of emotions, and there is no finish line to feeling better. If you are really struggling this season, I highly encourage you to find a therapist. I myself have spoke with someone in person and I have also used Better Help for therapy over the phone at home. You are not alone.
Collect new traditions
And last, but not least, collect new traditions. If there is something you have always wanted to do, why not make the time for it? Watch that holiday film, take yourself to see that show you have never seen like The Nutcracker, a holiday concert or orchestra, The Christmas Spectacular with the Rockettes, or A Christmas Carol. Read that holiday classic you have been wanting to read, listen to all the music you want, and decorate in a way that brings some joy and light into your living space.
You get to write your holiday story. As a kid I never baked holiday cookies, so in college I started collecting cookie cutters from the local grocery store. This year I added my first wooden cookie molds and cookie stamps to my little collection. I am also learning how to make gingerbread from scratch. When I studied abroad in college I bought my first holiday ornaments. My classmates told me I was wasting my money, but I didn’t have ornaments of my own. They had no idea what those ornaments meant to me. They were a fresh start into learning to love the holidays again. Now when I decorate the tree I remember where they came from. They are a part of my new tradition collection.
And since getting married, I stopped my hectic Christmas commute and started celebrating right at home. I host a quiet Christmas Eve at home each year and cook a nice meal to enjoy by the Christmas tree. It is so peaceful and joyful because my husband and I have cultivated that holiday joy. We said no to the chaos and Christmas Eve is now something that we look forward to each year instead of dreading it’s arrival.
The holidays change. Some of those changes may be sad or difficult, but other changes can be a positive and healthy evolution. I hope that no matter what you are going through this year, that you are able to collect some holiday joy for yourself, protect your peace, and find new traditions to make the season brighter. Giving you all my love and wishing you a happy holiday season this year.
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