Flourish. That was my word of the year for 2024. But did I? I have a full time job working for a non-profit and a successful side business. I’m renting a nice cottage in the countryside and I am happily married. On paper, everything looks pretty nice. I appear to be flourishing. We even went on a vacation together this summer. But flourish is not exactly how I would describe the past year.

I work so hard and I crushed it with the events and programs. Matthew and I both overworked ourselves. I’m not quite sure for what because we never seem to get ahead, and even when we do it is with baby steps. I grew so much and learned many new skills this year, that is true. I took leadership of my events at work. And I am proud of that. But that being said, I don’t really remember much else. I remember the stress of trying to keep up with my side business. That I spent almost a whole year without seeing any of my friends. 2024 was my fastest year yet, even faster than the year before, which until this year had been my fasted year yet. And not in the good way. While I am so grateful for all that I have achieved and all that I do have, I know that I cannot spend the rest of my life this way. I cannot spend another year this way.

This past year I stole moments away to work on my garden. That part of my life did flourish. I learned new skills and my garden was far more successful this year than the year before, but I didn’t even have much time for that. There are books left unread on my night stand, crafts unfinished, seeds left unplanted and time with loved ones missed. I didn’t see the gym, even though I pay for a membership and I really do miss my yoga and Zumba and spin classes. I’m so exhausted, but I cannot sleep. I don’t feel in shape or healthy or even happy, although on a positive note, my depression appears to be in remission and I’m better coping with my anxiety. I did not flourish this past year. Burnout is a word that comes to mind. I think what I really need to do right now is stop thinking about the future and start focusing on right now.

While I wouldn’t say my word of the year for 2024 was a failure, I will say that I lost sight of it. “Flourish” was not it. Not from lack of trying, I should add. I think that I often try too hard. I did apply to so many jobs in an attempt to take control of my life. I interviewed and made it into the final round for two of them. I tried my best to slow down. With the current job market, it simply has not happened yet. I’m still on a waiting list for a photo studio. I’m not giving up. This year I truly will slow it down. I have to.

So, besides a new job and a slower pace, what do I picture for my 2025?

With the current political climate, I believe it is important to stay informed and to be active in making change, especially on a local level where we have some control. But I also feel like I want to hide from the world. All I want this year is to feel safe and secure. As a woman and as a person who cares deeply about human rights, I’m terrified for what 2025 is going to have ins tore for us and the ripple effects this will have on us for years to come. That being said, I have to somehow continue to live and find a new normal. My plan is to stay informed, but with boundaries and to hunker down  to recharge my energy.

We just renewed our rental agreement for the cottage for another two years and I have realized that for the past several years I have not felt like I can truly relax. I have not made myself truly at home anywhere I have been because it isn’t permanent. But even if I did own my own home, I would still be just a guest in it, as I am a guest in living. Nothing is truly permanent.

As a child I went back and forth between my parents homes with a purple suitcase. In college I stayed in dorms, but had to go “home” for the holidays and summer breaks, often finding myself couch hopping or calling up cousins looking for a place to stay. When I was not in a dorm, I was homeless, but thankfully I always had a family member or friend who would let me stay with them. Since graduating over a decade ago we have moved from various states and apartments until we ended up in New England and started renting this cottage the summer before last. Before that I had been in seven different apartments in three different states. The cottage we live in now is a rental and we do not own it, but I find myself wanting to set up roots for the first time in a long time. I’m also  afraid that if I do, it will all get taken away. However, I cannot go on living that way. With the two year rental agreement just signed, I’m feeling more secure to make the cottage a home.

The only rooms we have painted are the basement bathroom and the little three-season room off the back of the cottage. It was a mess of sheetrock, but Matthew turned it into a pretty tea room for my enjoyment. He even painted the ceiling blue at my request. Because we are renting, I do not want to do too much. Making nice changes benefits our daily lives, but doesn’t work with out budget. Plus I don’t want to spend my money fixing up someone else’s house or increasing the home value out of our own price range if we do get the opportunity to buy. I do want to feel at home though. I do plan to add touches of color and hang things on the walls. Just recently I painted the doorframe at the front door and in the kitchen a light historic blue. It makes the room feel so much cozier.

The windows do not have curtains and most of the walls are bare. Even our bedroom is undecorated with the broken blinds that came with the house and a couple boxes left over from our move in the year before. I’m feeling ready to change that. I want to make this cottage a place to feel at home. I want to hang paintings and photographs on the walls and curtains on the windows. I’m feeling confident to buy the furniture we need to finish the rooms. I’m ready to feel at home right where I am.

I thought, home could be my word of the year. It wasn’t quite right though. I want to make this cottage feel more like a home, my safe place to hide from the world. But it is more than that. I want to create a place where my loved ones could gather. In 2025, I want to host dinner parties and game nights. On warm summer evenings we’ll dine al fresco overlooking the hills. I want to have people over for book club meetings, arts and crafts and movie nights. I want the guest room to be filled with guests and our dinner table surrounded by the people I love. I want the cottage to be the safe place where people want to gather and hang out.

When I come home from work, I want to have comfortable places to cozy up with warm gentle lamp lamp in the evenings. Perhaps my word should be higgle, I thought to myself. I want to buy more lamps to light up our living spaces. I picture myself cooking more home cooked meals for Matthew and I. I see myself actually having the time to tidy up after a work day because I’m not too exhausted to clean. Candlelight in the dark evenings. I see picnics in the summer and local New England adventures all year long. I see myself actually having the time to do the holiday crafting on my wish list in December. Reading in bed at the end of each night and waking up with a cozy cup of green tea in the mornings.

What I really want, is to dwell.