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Life has a mysterious way of healing then throwing more at you. Yet, no matter how many downs there are, happiness and contentment rise yet again. If you have been following along my personal posts, which I usually keep to a minimum, you may know that I have struggled with depression over the past year and the clouds have finally lifted. I have worked hard; with my husband, with my loved ones, and with a therapist to create a healthier mindset for myself. I have been working on my own mental health. This Spring I have faced new moments of anxiety, a problem I had never experienced before, but it made me more aware and compassionate towards people who do suffer from anxiety. For the end of Spring, beginning of Summer, I can feel true healing taking place. I’m not always happy, but I am content again and I have been able to find moments of peace during my days.
This renewed strength and feeling of being centered arrived in time to help me with my latest experience; the loss of my paternal grandmother, affectionately known by her grandchildren as “Nana,” although others knew her as “Scottie” because her maiden name was Scott, or as “Red,” because of her once vibrant red hair. I have named my wedding collections for my photography business after several strong women in my life, and my Nana is one of those lovely ladies. Her name was Laura.
People often, without even reading my blog, accuse it of being blind to pain or negative emotions. “Live Lovely” is not about the absence of negative or sad emotions in our lives, it is about living lovely despite them. Although I do often discuss positive things on the blog, I do touch base on negative emotions and toxic life situations. -It’s a part of life after all and I don’t want to pretend they don’t exist. And occasionally I have talked about loss. At 91 years of age and with dementia, I have known for a while that I would be saying goodbye, although that never really does make it any easier. I am thankful that I was with her when she passed, holding her hand.
And that is something I wanted to share with you today, because although it is very sad, I am also thankful for the time we have had. I am thankful for the lesson, once again, that life is fleeting and precious. You cannot take your possession with you when you go, but you will have the love of the people in your life and the memories. It has been another reminder for me that I am on the right path. I am thankful that I do what I love; photography, writing, and the blog. I am thankful that I am building a life about experiences rather than collecting things or working towards the bigger house or for collecting more stuff. The loss of a loved one is a great time to reflect and realize that stuff doesn’t matter at all, but people and experiences certainly do.
Tonight I will be speaking at her memorial service and tomorrow will be the funeral. In loving memory of my Nana I wanted to share my speech with you today. I have a few scheduled posts already made, but other than that I will not be online or on social media as much over the next few days.
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These are the words I have written to say in her honor this evening:
“Good evening, for those of you who do not know me, I am Laura’s granddaughter; Shane’s oldest daughter Courtney. Tonight I would like to share with you a few memories of my Nana. I have known Laura Murray as my “Nana” my entire life. I remember learning about the origins of the word ‘Nana’ in a college course. In the country of Ghana, Nana means “Queen Mother.” I told Nana this and it made her laugh. But in many ways, that is the best word to describe my Nana; she is the Queen Mother, the matriarch of our family. And she loved our family deeply. She loved her children; Ron, Bruce, Shane, and Randy.
If you walked into her home you would find photographs of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren everywhere. I always loved seeing the old and new photos on her fridge; she kept many including Ronnie and Nicole’s engagement picture, photos of Susan and her children, and portraits of Amy, Kelly, Cassie, Avalon, Dylan, and David.
Nana’s home was right down the road from Silver Sands Beach. As a kid my dad would take us there and then we’d go to Nana’s for a visit. Nana loved her butterflies and Scotty dogs, and her home was decorated with them.
She loved her bingo games at the local VFW. Her favorite colors were purple and yellow and I remember her special purple bingo bag. When I was around fifteen years old I stayed with Nana for a weekend and she took me to my first bingo game with her friends. Purple was my favorite color too so she let me use her purple bingo blotter. I ended up winning three games and all of her friends were upset. They kept saying, “Beginners always have all the luck,” and Nana told them that they were all just being jealous because her granddaughter was lucky.
Nana enjoyed simple things like Bingo, music, and watching sports on television. There was one time in college when I took my new boyfriend Matthew, who is now my husband, to meet her. He was a little nervous so we broke the ice with a game of Skip Bo, a game we often played with her sister June. Over conversation, Nana mentioned the recent basketball game she watched, and then all of a sudden both Nana and Matthew were lost in a deep conversation about the latest NBA stats and their favorite players. I had no idea she knew so much about basketball and Matthew walked away with a new friend to discuss sports with, because he certainly knows I didn’t inherit her aptitude for watching and knowing about sports.
I always knew my Nana as a woman who led a simple and quiet life in her later years. Which is why I could not have been more surprised when Nana turned to me one day in hushed whispers right after my father left her home for a short walk, “Do you want to see my tattoo?”
“Your what, Nana?” I asked in surprise.
“My tattoo!” she repeated. “Your cousin Ronnie took me to the parlor and I got a tattoo on my ankle. The man at the parlor was so nice and he put on my favorite show,” she said as if she were speaking about a trip to the hair salon, rather than a tattoo studio. She then pointed at her ankle and told me to look, and sure enough, there was a little scotty dog with a red bow on her ankle. “Should I tell your father?” She asked me. When he came back from his walk she said, “Shane, something’s on my ankle. I really think you should take a look at it,” as she sent me a conspiring smile. To say the least, I believe he was more surprised than I was!
As Nana got older, her memories left her and it was sad in many ways for her family, but in other ways it became less about living in the past and more about appreciating the present. As sad as it was for us, it was not sad for Nana. She still found joy in the little things. She loved company and laughed at jokes, even if she did not know who she was speaking with.
A few years ago, my sister Avalon and I went to visit her at home and we baked an apple pie together. Nana was speaking less and she could no longer remember us, but it did not stop us from having a good time together. Avalon put on some music as the pie was in the oven and a Frank Sinatra song came on. Nana brightened up immediately and started singing out loud every word to “Fly me to the moon.”
Nana was not a big adventurer in the time that I knew her and she preferred a more quiet and simple life, but she taught me a lot about finding joy in the ordinary and quiet moments. I am incredibly thankful to have had her in my life and I love her very much. When Nana showed me her “new tattoo,” she was eighty-two years old. I made a promise to her that day that when I turned eighty-two, I would also get a tattoo on my ankle and I intend to keep that promise to her. She taught me to appreciate the little things, but also that life is full of wonderful surprises and that even at an older age, we can still try new things and experience the world in unexpected ways.”
