Healing From Emotional Abuse | Six Months After Going No Contact

If you are healing from emotional abuse, welcome to my blog today. This blog post is about what to expect the first six months after going no contact or getting away from an emotionally abusive person, group, or situation. You can find my posts about the first day and the first week here. I am not a professional therapist, nor can I give out advice that will work or be relatable to everyone. I’m sharing these posts as a way to bring attention to emotional abuse, specifically narcissistic abuse, and to help others like myself find the resources to heal and to thrive after getting out of the fog.

I am skipping my usual introduction now that we have reached the six month stage of our healing journey. If you’re new to this series, you will want to read the first few posts starting with this one by clicking here. As always, I do want to remind you that I am not giving out professional advice and I suggest that you seek help from a professional therapist. I’m simply sharing my experience with emotional abuse and trauma, in particular narcissistic abuse, and hoping to give you some tools to point you in the direction for your own healing journey. I know that when I first started healing that the stories of others helped me so much. They validated my experiences and after years of gaslighting I needed a lot of reassurance that I wasn’t over reacting or being “too sensitive.” Please recognize that what I say may relate to you, or it may not relate at all. With all advice, I hope you use what is helpful for you and ignore what does not serve you. It is my hope that by sharing my own experiences and tips for healing that your life will also improve. We’re in this healing journey together.

The First Six Months 

In the first three months you started healing your inner wounds to heal your life and to make yourself impervious to future abuse. I hope that you’re continuing that inner work. The first several months are the most difficult and congratulations for making it through. You are so brave and much stronger than you know. The firsts six months is a difficult, but empowering time. You have learned so much about yourself and put in so much time to healing your life. Now you understand that this was not your fault. You know what emotional abuse is and you know how to protect yourself form it. Most of all, you have saved yourself. That is amazing! Take a moment to appreciate how far you have come.

My first week was full of peace, panic attacks, crying, extreme relief, then severe guilt. The first month was heartbreaking. And the first three months was a journey of learning about what happened and learning about myself. I ruminated way too much and find myself slipping back into ruminating from time to time. Once I reached the fifth month mark I was starting to feel much more like my old self. It is not smooth sailing from here on out, but by now things should be getting better. And if you’re not feeling better at this stage, I hope that by now you realize how important therapy will be for your ability to heal and thrive. By six months, you should be feeling a little stronger and more confident, but everyone heals in their own time. You don’t have to be there yet, but know that you will get there when you’re ready.

Learn To Trust Yourself 

At this point, your have to learn to trust yourself again. You have gotten so used to ignoring red flags and warning signs or putting your feelings and needs on the back burner that you let the water reach boiling before you realize it’s too hot. Let’s throw away this bad habit for good! You have been conditioned by your toxic family/partner/friend/coworker/boss/ect. to accept blame that is not yours. You have been made to feel like you’re the bad one and always in the wrong. You may find yourself continuing that trend, even though you’re working on taking back your power. You have been told to ignore your gut instincts for so long and to ignore red flags or even blatant abuse that you don’t see warning signs early on. You will need to train yourself to not accept abusive behavior as normal.

Here is your first clue: when you feel bad in any way, that is a warning sign. Your stomach might go in knots, you may feel nauseous or stressed when encountering another toxic person or situation. You may get a headache or feel uneasy. Listen to your body. If you’re having a conversation with someone and they make an off handed comment that makes you feel bad, sure, it could have been unintentional, but you are smarter at reading body language than you think. What does your gut tell you? Instead of trying to convince yourself of other people’s goodness or that you are being “too sensitive,” learn to trust your own instincts. Don’t make excuses for toxic people.

Trusting Your Intuition 

You’ve been ignoring your gut instinct for so long. It’s not that you don’t know how to listen to it, it’s just that you choose not to because you have felt like you have had to in the past to keep the peace or to keep the relationship or avoid conflict. When you’re caught in a toxic relationship of any kind, your gut instinct is always right. The dread you feel when you’re on your way to your abuser’s home or office. The shaking you feel in your hands after a difficult conversation with a  toxic person. Your body knows. Has your gut instinct ever been wrong? Probably not. If you’re having a big emotional reaction to a person or event, then your reaction is warranted. The way you feel is valid, even if the slight against you may seem minor. Do you listen to it now? It is time that you do.

If you ever find yourself feeling dread, shaking before or after interactions, feeling uneasy, an inability to focus, or ruminating over recent hurts, you are dealing with a toxic person. You ignored these signs in the past, but you have made a promise to yourself to heal your life. If anyone else in your life, new relationships or old, is causing these reactions in you, then you need to distance yourself and set boundaries. Go back to month one and build up those boundaries.

Use your newfound radar to protect yourself from here on out.

Your Body Holds The Score

Months go by and you’re feeling good again. Maybe it’s been years since you’ve seen a toxic person from your past. But then you’re in a parking lot and you see their car. It all floods back. You break into a sweat, your breathing becomes unsteady, your hands are shaking and you’re wondering, “What is wrong with me? I thought I was over this.” I promise you’re still a healthy and healed person. This reaction is natural and many people still experience it even years after leaving a toxic person. If you run into this person a lot you will get practice in how to control this response and move on, but for most of us, these run ins are unexpected and traumatic.

The neuropathways in our brains from their abuse have been carved deep. When we encounter this person again this part of our brain might light up, even if it has not been accessed in a long time. You did nothing wrong. It is all on them. But you now have the power to soothe yourself and get out of the toxic situation. You’re no longer trapped.

The sight go them might always be traumatic. Maybe you’re driving and you see their car. A second look shows that the car wasn’t theirs, it just looked like theirs. Or maybe you full on ran into them at a business interview or the grocery store. Maybe they joined your gym or you went to the same Starbucks at the exact same time. You run into one another at a public event. It’s definitely painful and uncomfortable. Maybe they didn’t notice you or maybe they ignore you. Maybe they try to catch your attention or cause a full on scene or drag other people into the interaction. Remember the grey rock method and do not give them a response in any way that they can feed off of or use against you. Remember the “nope method” and walk away.

There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. You’ve been so mistreated that this reaction is simply a natural response to the toxic person that they are. That’s all it is. You’re a healthy and whole person and they’re poison. You know it. Your body knows it. Naturally, it might make you feel sick. There is nothing wrong with you. When this happens, remove yourself from the situation and work on your self care. Listen to a song you love, call a loved one, meditate, or give yourself positive self talk. Do what you must to reach a feeling of safety and love again. And do not put yourself down for your reaction.

Radical Self Love

Radical self love is the answer when dealing with a toxic person or running into them again, but it is also a lifestyle that you need to adopt at this point for a healthy thriving future.

Love yourself enough to never endure abuse again.

Love yourself enough that your self-esteem in in a good place.

Love yourself enough to have healthy boundaries with everyone and everything in your life.

Love yourself enough that you feel really good about your life.

Love yourself enough that you only focus on the supportive and loving relationships in your life.

Love yourself enough that you let yourself feel joy each and every day.

Love yourself enough that you eat healthy, drink plenty of water, get enough rest, and exercise regularly.

This is radical self love.