Healing the Holidays

While the holidays are a nostalgic and merry time for many people this time of year, it is equally difficult for many others. People with traumatic childhoods, who have suffered abuse, who do not have families or are estranged from their families, who are dealing with illness, who are caregiving for a loved one, feeling anxiety from the pandemic, who are struggling financially, are healing from a break up, or are grieving a loss are just a few of the people who might feel worse around the holidays. I’m here to tell you that every year things change. Sometimes for better, others for worse, but know that how you felt last year will not destroy your holidays this year and how you are feeling this year will not be a predictor for next year. The holidays can becomes something we look forward to again, even if they fill us with more pain and stress this year or in the past. Sometimes it takes some big life changes and decisions to change things. Others it takes a lot of mental work. But the holidays are something you can learn to love again. And if we’re just not up for it this year, then that’s ok. We can practice acceptance and self-compassion to have a calm holiday season, even if it is not like the glimmering holidays in the movies. This is real life.

While the holidays do bring up difficult memories or feelings, they can also be healing. Life is always evolving and I want you to have hope for a better holiday this year and for all the holidays yet to come. By better I don’t mean perfect. Most of all, we must honor our feelings and take care of ourselves.

To have a peaceful and healing holiday I recommend the following:

One. Honor your feelings. If you’re feeling sad, lonely, anxious, or angry, recognize what you are feeling and why. Repressing or denying your feelings does not get rid of them ,it only prolongs your suffering and keeps them boiling under the surface. Honor the way that you feel so that you can also let it out and let in more peace and acceptance and love.

Two. Self-compassion is important. Instead of being hard on yourself or being self-critical, love yourself this holiday season. Be compassionate towards yourself and the way that you feel so that you can self soothe and recognize that it is ok the way that you are feeling. You do not need to pretend to be ok around the holidays.

Three. Keep the holidays simple this year. You don’t have to go all out and buy gifts for everyone you know. You don’t have to cut down your own Christmas tree this year, you can opt for pre-cut to save the hassle or skip the tree altogether if it doesn’t bing you joy. You don’t need to deck all the halls or go to every gathering and watch every holiday movie. There are no rules to follow. If the idea of it does not fill you with joy, you do not need to do it. It’s ok to keep things simple this year.

Four. Revisit the holiday traditions that do bring you joy, but remember that you don’t have to do it all. Make a list of your top three items and work on enjoying them one at a time. You can re-watch your favorite holiday film, bake cookies, string popcorn for your tree, make a gingerbread house, or any number of activities that fill you with happiness.

Five. Set aside the activities that bring up bad memories. Traditions can bring up happy memories of course, but they can also bring up plenty of bad. If a certain song fills you with anguish, switch the station. If an activity like building a gingerbread house causes you pain then skip it. If a traditional holiday menu items. only reminds you of a painful Christmas long ago, cook something different this year. Things that bring you sadness this year might bring you joy in the future, but it is ok if they do not serve you now. Protect you peace. The beauty of traditions is that sometimes they come and go. You let go of the ones that no longer serve you, bring back the ones that you miss, or even create new ones altogether. Sometimes we may even find comfort in an old tradition that makes us feel light.

Six. Keep up with your self-care. This doesn’t just mean pamper yourself, although it certainly can be comforting. By self-care I mean take care of you. Schedule an appointment with your therapist, keep on tops of your hygiene, rest when you need it, meditate, exercise, and eat plenty of healthy foods that make you feel good.

No matter your circumstance this year, I hope that you do find pockets of joy, peace, and wellbeing this holiday season. Remember that perfection is not the goal and that it’s ok if your holidays looks different than the glimmering images you see in magazines, on Hallmark channel, and from your friend’s Instagram feeds. Everyone is going through something. We are all in this together.