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“There’s no place like home for the holidays,” is one of my favorite lines from the Christmas song “Home for the Holidays.” I particularly love Perry Como’s classic rendition of the song when it comes onto the radio every year. It is a nostalgic song and it often makes me feel just a little bit sad. For many of us, home has changed in some way. We cannot always go back. Be it a person, a time, or a place. Or maybe we feel like we can’t stay home because we are expected elsewhere. At twenty-nine years old, I can barely remember my time spent at home for the holidays because I was always being shuttled between 5-6 different homes between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
Even as an adult I have kept this “Christmas commute” alive and well, at great sacrifice to my happiness, well being, and that of my husband’s. It actually took him talking to me to realize that I didn’t have to keep going on the way that I have, just because it has always been that way. Every year I go out of my way in an exhausting commute and run around to make it to everyone else’s home and barely spend a moment at mine. I have nicknamed this my annual “Christmas commute.” But I do deserve to stay home for Christmas too. Since last year I have been fantasizing about my first Christmas at home.
People have told me that when I have kids one day that I will have an excuse to stay home for them. The idea that I have to wait (or even have kids at all) in order to stay home for the holidays is absolutely ridiculous. That implies that my own needs don’t matter. It also implies that women with kids can’t travel, that women’s needs are inferior to the needs of anyone else, and that women use their children as excuses to get out of things they don’t want to do. Women deserve better than that.
I have day dreamed about spending a quiet evening in, maybe having a few guests for dinner, waking up in my own bed on Christmas morning and having a brunch by our tree. Nothing fancy, just simplicity and a slow Christmas morning. My husband and I also want to volunteer our time to give back on Christmas day. That is how we truly want to spend out holidays. It almost feels like a fantasy that could never come true. But then I realized that it very much could. I let my past dictate my present. I let this toxic pattern control my holidays and the way that I feel. I let toxic people control how I spend my time. If you too suffer from a “Christmas commute” that is much too busy, exhausting, and overall “ba-humbug” inducing, then you can make positive changes to make the most of your Christmas this year. You do not have to do it all. You can break up with your Christmas commute and break the toxic cycle while you’re at it. Here is how:
One. Be self-aware of your needs.
Take a moment to self-assess your holiday plans and how they make you feel. If you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, it is your brain’s way of telling you that you have too much on your plate. If you truly do not want to do something or go somewhere, take those feelings to heart and tweak your plans to fit you. Also think about what would truly make you happy this time of year then listen to your heart. If you’re longing to stop the chaos and only spend the holidays at one place or even stay at home, then make it your holiday plan.
Two. Your spouse and kids have a voice too.
If you’re in a relationship, married, or have children; then their feelings count too. Going to too many places or travelling too far away from home could cause some undue stress on your family and loved ones. No matter what you decide or where you spend your holidays, make sure that you are all on the same page.
My husband always spent the holidays at home growing up as a kid, so my Christmas commute was a complete shock to him and has made the holidays less enjoyable for us as a couple. He absolutely hates running around and being stressed over the holidays and who would blame him? He also dislikes being away on Christmas Eve and sleeping on relatives couches instead of our own bed. I realized that by expecting him to conform to my Christmas chaos was selfish and also damaging to our relationship. His only request for me last Christmas was to wake up in our own bed on Christmas morning. That was a big wake up call for me.
Three. Don’t justify or apologize.
I have learned that no matter what, someone will be disappointed. In my experience, someone always feels slighted, even when you do your best to see absolutely everyone. Very often I have made it to see everyone in my family for Christmas and as a result, everyone has felt angry for not seeing me “long enough.” This was setting a precedent for people in my life to feel like they had a say in how I spent my time. Whether you cannot spent time with one parent or grandparent because you’re with another or your in-laws or you split your time between each family group, it is very rare that you will make everyone else happy. With large families or with families living far apart, it is impossible to please everyone.
The thing to remember in this situation is that is is ok for people to feel a little sad or disappointed, but it is not your responsibility to cater to their every whim. You’re just one person and until teleportation machines are invented, you cannot be everywhere at once, nor should you feel obligated to be. You do not need to justify your plans to everyone else because the only person you need to take care of is yourself. Apologizing for something you are not responsible for only signals to the other person or party that you are in the wrong when you are not. Practice a little self-compassion and stand up for yourself this season.
Four. Make your plans known.
Without apologizing or justifying (making excuses), be open with your holiday plans when you’re invited somewhere. Tell them that you appreciate the invitation, but that you will not be able to make it because you have other plans. Then wish them a Merry Christmas. Keep it as simple as that.
When they ask “why” or demand an explanation, remember that you don’t have to get caught up in that guilt trap. Simply state that you have other plans this year. You do not need to justify. You’re doing nothing wrong.
Five. Let it go and enjoy your holidays.
No matter how empowered you may be feeling when breaking up with your holiday commute, there may be people in your circle who will not understand. They may do their best to guilt you for staying home or for making other plans. Whether they’re feeling left out, disappointed, or even angry, it is not your responsibility. You’ll have to accept that by making time for your needs this holiday that some people may take it very personally. As hard as it is, set some boundaries and do not allow people to ruin your holiday or pressure you to change your plans. Wish them well, send them a holiday card and make your love for them known on Christmas Day, but then move forward and enjoy your day as well. You deserve happiness this holiday season.
Breaking up with a Christmas commute can feel like more hassle than it is worth, but if you’re unhappy with the status quo and you need more time for yourself or your loved ones this holiday season, it can be the best solution. It will be hard to do for many reasons, so make sure you take care of yourself; go for a walk, get enough sleep, eat healthy, get outdoors, and make sure you exercise. Reduce your stress by taking things off of your to-do list, enjoy a hot bath, and partake in activities that make you happy. Join the conversation on Instagram @LiveLovelyTravel.
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