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Is “simple summer” an oxymoron? With how busy our summers become, it very well might be. With Summer now in full swing, there are endless invitations to graduation parties, birthday parties, summer picnics, holiday cook outs, clam bakes, pool parties, and countless other events. Add vacations, our jobs, and things we “have to do,” our commitment list becomes extra tedious. Although most of these summer events are fun in and of themselves and we do look forward to them all winter long, how much is too much?
I have some friends and family members who do their best to make it to several events in a single weekend, sometimes up to two to three parties a day! A few years ago when we moved back to Connecticut, my family, our friends, and my husband’s family in New York wanted us there for every single occasion; “It’s just a four and a half hour drive.” And in many ways, we did want to be there. But it was a lot. In one summer we were invited to over seven birthday parties, three graduation parties, a few pool parties, two family vacations, three fourth of July picnics, and so much more. Whats worse is that we did not know how to say no.
Every time we tried to say we couldn’t, angry family members would guilt us into saying yes. We were told that “we didn’t care” about them if we said no. That “because you don’t have kids you’ll have the time and money to come up for the weekend.” Friends were disappointed. People felt left out. So we would change our answer to accommodate everyone else, but did nothing for ourselves. Seven weekends in a row were spent across the state or out of the state. Let me repeat that; seven weekends in a row! What were we thinking? It was exhausting and stressful. By the fourth weekend we made it over the state border, I was so wiped out that I didn’t even want to get out of the car. I literally sat there and cried before putting on a happy face and making my way into the party. My husband was working the night shift and I was working days so our weekends were the only time we had together, but we never had any one-on-one time. We ended up arguing more often than not. We spent the entire summer meeting the needs of others and doing absolutely nothing for ourselves or our relationship. Zero trips to the beach, zero quiet days at home, zero days spent at home just to do laundry and get stuff done, and zero date nights. We were very broke by the end of the summer from all the travel and the gifts. Our apartment was a heaping mess. I get anxious just thinking about it.
The following summer we decided we couldn’t do that, although the expectation by others was still there. We still made it to some events, but we learned how to say no and be firm about it. We learned that we did not have to justify not going with a reason why. We learned that just because someone held the belief that we didn’t care about them if we couldn’t make it to their party that we weren’t responsible for catering to that kind of manipulation. We still did far too much, but it was an improvement. Finally, last year, with much practice, we learned how to say no to others so we could say yes to ourselves. Having a wedding and honeymoon as an excuse sure helped, but we worked together as a team to make sure we took care of ourselves. We still made the big things, enjoyed time with friends and family, but we also did what we wanted to do. There is not always a perfect balance, but happiness can be achieved. I’m going to tell you how with some five tips that I picked up along the way.
One. Say yes right away to the events that make your heart sing. You’ll know this is a 100% yes when you are thrilled just thinking about it. Place them on the calendars so that when something else comes along, you can happily decline because you already have plans.
Two. Those plans that need to go on your calendar also include “me-days” and time for doing what you want to do. Two summers ago we never made it to the beach, not even once, because all of our weekends booked up. So if you want that beach day, you better schedule it as a commitment to yourself. The next time an invite comes up for that date, you’ve already got plans. No one has to know that those plans are just for you.
Three. Make more quiet time for you during the week. Whether it is reading before bed, ten minutes of meditation, an hour at the gym, a walk by the river, or a quiet breakfast in the morning; make sure you find time to slow down during your week days so you can refresh after a busy weekend.
Four. Make a summer wish list of simple activities you really want to enjoy this summer; activities like an afternoon on the beach, a hike at your favorite park, a trip to your favorite book store, a family picnic, a movie night with your friends, your favorite local festival, or flying a kite. Now make time for the items on your list.
Five. Learn to say no. You do not need to justify your answer with an excuse or reason. Simply say “No thank you.” Sure, some people might get mad, but that is not your responsibility. You cannot make absolutely everyone happy all of the time. I’m not sure if saying no ever gets any easier, but with practice you will get better at it.
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