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Accepting the things we cannot change is difficult, and sometimes feels impossible. We spend days, months, or even years in pain over something we wish never happened at all, that we could go back and do over, or change in some way. The truth of the matter is that we cannot change the past and we also cannot change the actions of others. The only thing we can do is change ourselves.
In my last Tuesday Tea post I mentioned estrangement, which happens to more people than we think. Many people face the difficult decision to cut out a toxic person and sometimes we are the ones cut out. Through fault of our own or no fault at all, these things do happen. We experience the loss of a loved one, grief for someone who has passed away, the loss of a job, a home, a friendship. We experience loss, heartache, anger, betrayal, and sadness in so many different ways. But the one thing we have in common is our resistance to the way this feels. We don’t want to be feeling what we’re feeling. We want it to go away, get better, or change.
I have recently been reading the book, “The Art and Power of Acceptance,” by Ashley Davis Bush. Her goal is to teach people how to accept what is instead of suffer and struggle endlessly through these difficult emotions. She says that the pain of the event is one thing and the pain we put ourselves through by resisting it is another. She calls this the “two arrows.”
And it is true. I realized that most of my pain actually came from my desire that things were different and my resistance to accepting how I was being treated. I kept thinking it could get better, go away, or change. I wanted the person who was hurting me to realize that they were wrong. I wanted them to apologize, reach out and try to heal the rift, to be there for me. I wanted the connection that we used to have. I wanted to have a future with this person; to share holidays, milestone moments in my life, my future kids, and the little things that you share with your family. Most of my pain was coming from not being able to accept that the relationship was over and that this person had written me out of their life. I couldn’t comprehend this person’s actions, why they were treating other family members badly, and their codependence on others.That this person believed a false narrative about me, one that they had built up in their minds to justify their own actions. I felt abandoned, betrayed, and unloved. Those feelings I was carrying with me every single day because I just could not accept them. It took me months to realize that it was not going to change.
It was my therapist that asked me, “Why are you caught on the hook that next time things will be different? Why do you always go back believing the words of this person, when their actions always end up causing you harm?”
So if something wasn’t going to change, even though I desperately wished it could, what could I do? I couldn’t change this person’s behavior or thoughts. The only path I could take if I wanted to be happy again was to accept my new reality without this person in it. I cannot change them, but I can change me. I didn’t have to put up with this crazy behavior. I didn’t have to be a part of it at all. I could accept it and remove myself from the toxic cycle. But how?
Ashley Davis Bush’s book gave me an amazing tool. It was something that I had done in the past for smaller heartaches and stresses. This is a tool that works for accepting small things we cannot change like being stuck in traffic, being late for work, or having an encounter with a rude person at the grocery store. But it also works with big things we cannot change; things such as grief over a loved ones’s passing, being fired from a job, having your home burn down, estrangement from a loved one or close friend, a dangerous diagnosis, or any number of painful life events that we cannot change no matter how we wish we could.
This tool is called ACT; Acknowledge your emotions and how you are feeling, Connect these feelings to yourself and others, and Talk to yourself with kindness. She goes on to say that “self-compassion is the key,” and I have found that she was right. Immediately after implementing ACT I started to feel better. The act of naming your emotions helps quiet your brain’s big reaction to them. When we can name our emotions, they hold less power over us. By connecting them to others, “there are so many people who have experienced this feeling and are going through the same thing right now,” helps you feel less alone. When we feel like we’re a part of a community, our isolation is eased. And by talking kindly to ourselves, especially by calling ourselves by our own names, we’re treating ourselves with compassion and quieting the voice in our heads that puts us down.
In just one week of implementing ACT every time the pain overcomes me, I have been able to calm the struggle and live more in the present. This is a process that takes time. The pain will never truly go away, but I can accept it, move on, and allow myself to feel good again.
I urge you to try this with yourself if you are in pain over something that cannot be changed. Try filling in the blanks: “Right now you’re feeling [name your emotions]. There are so many people out there right now that feel [your emotions] and are going through [your situation] too. You are not alone. [Your name], you’re going to be alright. I know that right now you feel awful, but you are strong. There is nothing you can do to change the past, but you can be happy in the present. You deserve to be happy.”
Self compassion can be hard to feel for ourselves, especially when our inner critic blames ourselves for the situation or our pain. Sometimes my own mind turns on me with negative thoughts and self doubt. When we’re constantly berating and belittling ourselves, it can be nearly impossible to feel self-compassion. Self compassion looks more like this; “It’s going to be ok, I know you blame yourself but you did everything you could, it’s not your fault, you are so much more than your weight/ IQ/ scholarship/ etc., you are a good person,” etc.
And if you still cannot speak kindly to yourself, picture yourself as a good friend or someone you care deeply about. If this person was going through what you are experiencing, how would you speak to them? Most likely, you would give them words of comfort and reassurances. Treat yourself as you would treat the people you love.
This process also helps with other feelings. If we take a deep look at ourselves and know that we are in no way at fault for the situation, then we sometimes feel anger or fear. When something happens that we cannot control many people do blame themselves. But when you’re not the one to blame, who is? Are you holding on to anger towards one person? A group? God? Practicing ACT also gives us the permission to let those feelings of anger, blame, and hurt go.
Acceptance for the things we cannot change is a long process. Through ACT and self-compassion you can move towards a better future.
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