I am Thirty And I Have Never Been Drunk

Yes, you did read that right. I am thirty years old and I have never been drunk. It’s not something I planned on, nor is it something that I think about, it simply is. Let me explain.

I am the child of two alcoholics. One got sober and the other did not. It was a difficult and painful upbringing and a small part of me did fear that I could be an alcoholic one day too. It does run in families and it certainly runs in mine. So in high school I just wasn’t interested in trying it out for myself. I had tried some sips for taste, which tasted awful in my opinion, but it wasn’t my thing and most of my friends respected that. Same in college too, although I did find that the pressure was higher in college. When you don’t drink and other people find out about it, some people with poor boundaries try to make it their mission to change it. Needless to say, it didn’t work. A couple rotten apples even thought about spiking my drinks. Which is illegal. And I’m not naive. I knew how to watch my drink. I did find a group of people who respected me and never tried to get me drunk. I was included in drinking games and drank non-alcoholic drinks instead. I still had fun. I was proof that you didn’t have to drink to have fun or to feel good in social situations. I was proof that even a quiet introvert like myself could “loosen up” without a drink or two. That self confidence comes from within.

I hosted a few parties around that age and friends would always tell me how much fun they had and that they were amazed that they could have fun without alcohol. I was always sad to hear it, but glad that I could show them a different perspective on having a good time. I was not against people drinking, especially at parties. I’m a very much ‘to each their own’ kind of person. Again, it just wasn’t for me. By the end of college, I wasn’t as worried about being like my parents, but I still abstained from drinking until senior week.

We went on a day trip to several beautiful New York wineries during senior week before graduating from college. Between handfuls of chips and crackers I tried all sorts of white and red wines. I even found a few that I really enjoyed. While everyone on the bus was intoxicated on the ride back, I was still sober because I limited myself to small sips instead of gulps of each one. If I didn’t like it, I didn’t finish it. Simple as that. At that point, I realized that I did actually like wine. I started to wonder if perhaps I was ruling out something delightful when I didn’t have to. I was officially twenty-one. I had a few small glasses of wine before on a trip to Paris with my boyfriend, who is now my husband, but now I was interested in exploring the wine world. Perhaps I could enjoy alcohol. Perhaps I wasn’t an alcoholic.

The closest I got to nearly being tipsy on a hot day at the New York State Fair. I hadn’t eaten yet and it was a scorching hot day. I started on a wine slushy and started to feel light and “floaty.” My husband, always respectful of my wishes, offered to drink the rest for me because he knew I didn’t want to experiment with the chance of getting drunk. He bought me a corndog. After the meal I felt like myself again.

The summer after graduation we visited numerous wineries. And I discovered that I actually did like many wines. Alcohol wasn’t all bad and I could enjoy it too without feeling bad about it. And even more importantly, I never had the craving to drink. I could enjoy a glass of wine with my meal or with friends and I was perfectly fine. Most times Matthew would even finish it for me as I couldn’t down an entire glass. I never felt the desire to keep drinking until the world fuzzed out. I never felt like I “needed” a drink. If I felt bad for any reason I had already developed healthy coping skills. I started incorporating wines with my meals a couple times a month or every other month. I never had the urge to get drunk, nor do I regret not getting drunk. People kept telling me I should do it once or I would be “missing out”, but every person I knew hated getting wasted and the entire day after. I figured, why do that to myself when I could enjoy the drink and appreciate it without the dramatics? I never felt like I was missing out on anything. And as a bonus, I don’t have a single drunken regret.

At our wedding we served wine from our favorite two wineries with dinner, but the cocktail hour was actually a mocktail hour. The drinks were great and it kept the alcoholics in the group from getting belligerent before dinner was even served. And the best part was that we were all able to enjoy one another’s company over good food and drinks without the drama. I didn’t have to worry about arguments or fights breaking out. No one drove home drunk. As a wedding photographer, I have heard so many horror stories about people losing loved ones from drunk driving after weddings. And making this decision didn’t single anyone out or cause unhappiness. The day was pure joy. And family members that usually fought or argued after a few drinks were civil and kind to each other the entire day. Or at least, they keep the drama to themselves. Everyone had fun. I know a lot of people drank afterwards at the after party in the hotel, but by then everyone was back to the hotel and was not driving. So it all worked out.

I know that some people I love often saw me as being “hoity toity” for not drinking. Strangers too. I also know that a lot of people feel that way, especially people I know who do have an addiction to alcohol. Some people I love with addictions and alcoholism, including my own siblings, have ridiculed my choices and treated me with aggression and resentment, despite never treating them badly for their now choices. I know that I have been the butt end of many jokes. I have never thought of my decision not to get drunk as something that set me apart from others. I don’t use it a sign of distinction. It is not something I often think about. I have never used it against anyone else or made the assumptions that others should be like me. And I certainly never lecture others and I tend to mind my own business. Not once have I lectured my loved ones on their choices. And when friends have suffered from addictions, they have always felt comfortable telling me because I knew my love and friendship was unconditional. We all have our struggles.

When I had to, I did share concerns about their behaviors with the people I love, but I never attempted to shame or use my own life choices against them. I made it clear that I would be supportive if they wanted help and that I was concerned when their drinking became out of hand for them. I love them unconditionally. Although I made it clear that I would also not enable their behavior or give them money for alcohol or drugs. I never put the expectation on others to be like me. We all have our own paths and our own differences. The decision to drink or not to is personal. Still, while people are caught up in their addictions, they will only see what they want to see. And it is easier for some of them to put the blame on me or anyone else than accept the responsibility for their own actions. When this has happened to me in the past it was very painful but I have learned that the only person I am responsible for is myself. I cannot help or heal other people. I cannot make them sober or love them into changing.  And I cannot accept their blame. If someone chooses to hate me for being myself, then it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with how they feel about themselves. Drinking is not always a problem, but for some people it can be. I am so thankful that I did not inherit that gene.

I don’t think it makes me much different and especially doesn’t make me better than anyone else. Upon learning of my drunk-free status, many people accuse me of looking down on them or thinking I am better than anyone else. They take my confession as an accusation. But when people feel badly about themselves they often project their shame onto you. It can be a touchy topic for people who feel like they have a problem or who feel badly about their own choices. I know that some people that I love do resent me. That they feel I do not understand. And of course, not being an addict, I can’t completely understand. But I also faced difficult experiences in my own life. I have also faced depression, anxiety, and mental illness. In the end, I just made different choices as a way to move on and cope. I do not often judge those who do get drunk, unless they harm others while under the influence and continue to do it without remorse. Most importantly, I think of it as my own choice. I don’t really tell people anymore. But then again, I don’t think it should be a secret either. I’m not embarrassed. I figured that there are probably many more people like me and that by sharing this part of myself here, maybe someone else will feel a little less alone or “weird” or different for the choice to not get drunk. Maybe by reading this, someone might feel stronger in their decision and be less likely to fall to peer pressure.

At first I didn’t get drunk because I didn’t want to turn into my parents. I was afraid of the dark trauma that I keep locked inside would come out. Would I be a weepy drunk? Would I be a mean drunk like my mom? Would I be inappropriate or make people feel uncomfortable? Would I become an alcoholic? These worries no longer plague me. I know who I am, even though I do know that alcoholism isn’t just something that afflicts the young. People can develop dependencies at any age and that includes much further down the road. But I also know the signs and I’m not worried about my behavior. These days I drink maybe once every few months or sometimes a few times a month. Some days Matthew and I will open a bottle of wine and have some with dinner and other times we go weeks or months without a drink at all. Sometimes I’ll get a cocktail with a friend when we go out just to try something new. Or I will drink a glass while reading a book in the bath. Sometimes I’ll just have tea or sparkling strawberry juice from Trader Joe’s instead. Most days I only drink tea or water. It simply doesn’t occupy my thoughts or control my life. I am so thankful for that because I know that not all are as fortunate. In fact, I feel good about myself and my choices. So at this point, why haven’t I gotten drunk now? The truth is that I just don’t see the point. Why start now? It just sounds like a headache. Literally.