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I realize that I have kept most of my personal writing off of the blog over the past several months. I share my photography and my travels, but when it comes to opening up, being vulnerable, and sharing myself, I’ll be the first to admit that I have been a little closed up recently, especially over the past year. I have been open about experiencing depression and anxiety, but I have also kept fairly isolated and to myself. I believe that a part of me was afraid of being too vulnerable on the blog during a time where I have felt the most vulnerable in my life.
I was too afraid to share parts of me that certain people in my life have made it their prerogative to criticize. My Tuesday Tea posts have always been about positive living and I wasn’t quite living that way. Every time that I lifted myself up, I was dragged back down for it. A kind of “how dare you do well when I’m not happy,” mentality that a couple people in my life have been manipulating me with. Misery loves company. I share wellness, positive ideas, and mental health tips quite often in my Tuesday Tea posts. But recently I have not been feeling my strongest mentally. I want to begin again by letting go of what harms me.
It’s ok to feel weak, vulnerable, sad, or even angry. This past year I have felt them all. To protect the people I care about, even when they hurt me, I don’t share those personal details. When I decided to create my blog a couple years ago as more than just for my wedding photography and travels, I knew that I would be sharing most of myself with the world. I knew that I wanted to put an emphasis of wellness and simple living. But I also knew that I couldn’t drag anyone I know and love into the spotlight with me. This is a solo journey. But I will say that recently a very close relationship I have had for most of my life has ended. I’ve felt betrayed, hurt, and abandoned. When someone you love decides one day to take it all back the loss is intense. There is no closure. The person you’re grieving isn’t dead or gone; they just don’t want you in their life anymore. And the pain is indescribable.
The most hurtful part of that is the person who did this, a person who I love, wants me to feel this way. And that is why I have been so silent on the blog recently. This person quite often in the past has read my blog and used my wellness advice for others as evidence that I do not care for them, which is absurd. Whenever I shared a travel post they contacted me about how I was off traveling instead of caring about them. My life is not in servitude for this person. I can get married, travel, and practice self-care and still care about this person. I am allowed to have my own life. This person has decided to “punish” me by cutting me out of their life.That was their choice and I will not let this person have that power over me anymore.
Every day holds it’s struggles, but I’m also starting to heal. I am so fortunate to have deep love in my life from close friends, my supportive husband, and my large family. There is a lot to be thankful for, even on my darkest days I always do my best to remember that. So, like the falling autumn leaves, I’m letting go.
“Autumn Shows us how beautiful it is to let things go.” -Unknown.
I feel sad most days, but I also feel hopeful. I have big ideas for the blog and how I want to spent my days and my life. I see joy in my future. For so long I have been afraid to let joy in because inevitably I would be contacted by this person and criticized for doing well. If this person truly loved me then they would want me to be happy, healthy, and thriving. This part of my life may not be something that will ever truly heal, but I can continue to live a healthy and happy life. If you’re struggling with loss, grief, or estrangement, there is hope for a happier future. I wanted to share how I was feeling today because I know that there are others out there who feel the same or who have also been in the exact same situation.
Estrangement is difficult. It can be tough when you’re the one cutting out a toxic friend/ relative, but it is another feeling entirely when someone cuts you out, especially when you do not deserve it. Sometimes it can be for a reason deeply important to them, or other times it is selfish and designed to hurt or even punish. Sometimes it is for a situation that has nothing to do with you and is completely out of your hands. I have done a lot of self reflection. I know that in this situation, I am not responsible for the actions of others. This is not my fault. I have done my best to be loving and compassionate. Sometimes that just is not enough.
“Once you realize you deserve better, letting go will be the best decision ever.” -Unknown
To be honest, a professional therapist I consulted with about the situation saw this coming. In fact, he tried to explain why I might want to be the one to end the relationship for my own wellbeing. Yet I was convinced it would “get better in time,” or the situation would end and we could all move on. But he was right. For over two years I have let this relationship control me, manipulate me, scare me, and overall penetrate my feelings of safety and structure. Just when I thought I have hit complete rock bottom and it could not get worse, I’ve been blindsided with another blow. I let this person, who I used to feel was one of my biggest supporters, play with my emotions, put me down, manipulate me, and cause me mental anguish. For years. Until they decided to simply ghost me several months ago. Done. Finished. The relationship is over. With no reason, with no words, with no acknowledgement. Yet the message is clear; this person doesn’t love me anymore. They have decided to take it all back. Someone who I deeply love and have looked up to has decided that I’m not worth knowing at all.
For years I tried to hold on, even though all the signs were there. That wasn’t very smart of me. But what is done is done. Just because this person was there for me in the past, does not mean that they have been good for me in the present. To be truly honest with myself, this person was probably always this way, I just never saw how toxic they were. I was just feeling too down and desperate to realize that they were playing with my emotions to get what they wanted. I was very naive when I was younger, believing that this person was someone who I could trust. When I was in a vulnerable place in my life they were always there, which I will forever be thankful for. However, now I wonder if they were there for an ulterior motive all along. The moment that I broke out into a confident and good place in my life for the first time ever, and when I was preparing for the special moment of my wedding, their true colors came out. It turns out, this person liked me much better when they were able to manipulate me, but when I got strong enough, I wasn’t worth the trouble. The truth also remains that I had trusted this person, loved this person, and now I feel very betrayed and hurt by this person.
“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” -Steve Maraboli
The situation I have found myself in is not one that may ever be resolved. I may be waiting in limbo my entire life trying to find the answers. In life we like to see disputes neatly tucked away. We like to forgive, forget, and move on. We like to know when things are over. We like closure. The truth is, I may never get that. I may never hear the truth. I may be left wondering for the rest of my life, “why?” And be left looking for a reason. Over the last week I did get some answers. I found out what this person has been saying about me, the lies that they have told behind my back, and the truth about how they really feel about me. They feel that I am the one who betrayed them, when they fail to realize that they’re projecting their own actions and behaviors onto me. I have been nothing but supportive and compassionate towards them, when I should have been protecting myself from their radical behavior instead. I felt so hurt and betrayed. So abandoned and fooled. Naive and desperate. Did my young heart’s need for love put me into the position to trust someone that I shouldn’t have? None of that matters now. I need to realize is that it is over and let it go. The relationship might never be fixed. And I have to accept that. In fact, it would be in my best interest if it did not get fixed, no matter how much my broken heart wishes it could.
“Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.” -Daphe Rose Kingma
It took me three months to be able to accept that as my new reality. And now I am figuring out how to heal and move on. Letting go is so much easier said than done. This season I am focusing on healing and building up my mental strength. Now that I am no longer walking on egg shells, terrified to disappoint or anger this person, I do feel some sense of calm and freedom that I was not allowed before. I am learning to find happiness in my every day and to not let me pain overshadow the joy that I feel. I’m doing my best to quell my anxiety and to stop worrying about what this means for my future and the future of my family. I am doing my best to practice appreciation and put my energy towards the positive people in my life.
If you have found yourself in a situation where you have been estranged from a loved one and the power to fix it is completely out of your hands, I advise you to talk to someone. A friend, a loved one, or a therapist. Please don’t isolate yourself further. You deserve to be listened to. You are worthy of love and happiness. Once you have accepted the situation, I hope that you can find the strength to move forward. Find joy in your every day and let go of what no longer serves you.
For now, I am learning acceptance and leaning on the support of my loving husband, friends, and family. Estrangement is not something we discuss openly or often, but many families are experiencing this type of deep loss. Depending on the nature of the relationship and the break, it can be a temporary heartache or a permanant break.
Life does not always turn out the way we wish it to. But it is still beautiful. I’m doing my best to live a lovely life.
“In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.” -Deepak Chopra
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