Life Isn’t A Hallmark Movie [But A Girl Can Try]

I recently heard of a funny Christmas tradition of playing “Hallmark Bingo” with Hallmark Christmas movies. The center piece is the HEA (Happily Ever After) and the other pieces on the board are: gingerbread house competition, the cute meet, leading lady leaves her glass-ceiling crashing job in the big city for a much lower position in a small town, Christmas cookie decorating, waking up with perfect hair, a friendly towns-person gives good advice, the couple has to ice skate, someone buys or saves an old inn, snow on Christmas day, date at the town Christmas tree lighting, town meeting at town hall, main characters gather to save a small town, very expensive and unattainable holiday decorations in every room, getting a Christmas tree, main character has wonderful relationship with parents, a snowball fight, coming home after years away and then staying for good, the leading lady has a wardrobe that costs more than she could afford in real life, the lead character’s car breaks down and someone saves the day….. You get the idea. 

It can be easy to poke fun at Hallmark movies. Some of them really do have real-life scenarios and the characters do have realistic struggles every now and then, but more often than not, life for Hallmark movie characters seems unusually perfect and their problems seem to solve themselves by Christmas, plus there is always a happy ending you can count on. Some of us need those happy endings and warm fuzzies and I don’t want to knock them, but it can lead us to comparing our real lives to these perfect worlds that simply don’t match up. 

Life is often sad, hurtful, and messy and Hallmark movies do bring a lot of joy to many people over the holiday season. 

Yet, it doesn’t stop me from being a total grinch and rolling my eyes every now and then, especially when the movies have the same events and plots over and over and over again. I’m also not a fan of the lack of diversity for Hallmark characters and that fact that gay couples are implied as supporting characters (never the leading roles), yet never actually acknowledged in the movies as being in a real relationship. More Americans need to be represented as leading roles. Hallmark has a lot of inclusion and diversity they need to work on. 

But this is where I get even more real with you; deep inside I wish life could be a Hallmark movie; if only for one Christmas. I’ve never had a Christmas like the ones on Hallmark Channel. As a product of a divorced family (never any divorces in real Hallmark movies), my Christmas Day has always been an every-other-year event split between families or a chaotic Christmas commute of traveling to five or more different houses between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Now that I’m married I have a whole other family and a husband to think about too. And no matter how much I struggle to see everyone and make everyone else happy, almost everyone is always upset or feels slighted, myself most of all. Even when I do miraculously see everyone, no one is pleased. It is almost enough to plan a vacation for Christmas Day; “I’m sorry family, I’m celebrating Christmas in Alaska this year!” In all seriousness, we almost bought tickets to run away to Quebec City for the holidays this year, but we ruled it out when we realized that all the grocery stores and restaurants will also be closed on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. 

Last year I followed most of our traditions, but we did something a little different; we went home after Christmas Eve dinner and spent the night in our own home for the first time ever. We still spent time with everyone, but we also made time for ourselves. It was the one thing Matthew asked me for Christmas last year and I wanted to make it happen. I don’t blame him -who would pick sleeping on a sofa over their own bed for Christmas? We woke up together on Christmas morning in our own home and instead of rushing off to see my mom, she came to us with my step-dad and my grandmother for Christmas brunch before we left for the Christmas dinner with the whole family. My grandmother came up all the way from Florida, and although she was disappointed she didn’t see us on Christmas Eve, we made it work. It was a slow morning of Christmas music, French toast casserole, and relaxation. (Although we did have some excitement when my oven mitt caught fire!) It was hard in many ways and it didn’t work for everyone (I got home at after eleven on Christmas Eve and worked on preparations until one in the morning to make this happen), but it gave us so much more time and happiness on Christmas Day, and most importantly, it gave my husband and I time together. 

To mark the occasion as our first Christmas spent together as newlyweds, I bought us slippers for Christmas Eve, a tree skirt for our tree, and Christmas stockings with our names embroidered on them. If life were a Hallmark movie, I would have had time to cross stitch them all myself, but I didn’t have time for that. 

I still ran around much more than I should have and I was exhausted on Christmas Day. To make matters worse, we had several upset parents, siblings, and grandparents to deal with. The reaction we received from a few family members after the holiday was simply shocking and it made me realize that I need to set up more appropriate boundaries. I also need to become stronger at standing up for myself. Better yet, I should learn how to leave toxic situations and simply walk away from them. I do not have to sit though verbal attacks, especially when I have done nothing wrong. I am not a possession nor am I responsible for the feelings of others. I have myself and my husband to think about. I bent over backwards doing my best to see everyone on Christmas and they still felt justified in tearing me down for not giving enough. The verbal attack I was ambushed with for “betraying the family” by not sleeping over was something else. I realize that for my entire life I have been putting everyone else first every holiday and it has turned the “most wonderful time of the year” into my most dreaded time of the year. I simply don’t want to feel that way every single Christmas. I deserve to enjoy the holiday and that is not selfish. So this year, for the first time ever, I want to know what a truly happy holiday feels like. 

My step-sister has this same divided family drama so a couple years ago she decided to send out an open invite to everyone to join her if they want to and she simply stayed put at home with her husband and daughter where she is happiest. Not everyone is happy with her either, but it is what is best for her and I admire that. I try to take a page out of her book. I don’t ever have time to see her on Christmas day because of our crazy Christmas commute, but we always make time for each other shortly after the holidays. 

Before Thanksgiving even starts the parents, step-parents, in-laws, siblings, and grandparents already start asking where you’re going and why not with them. Sometimes it starts as early as the Christmas before!  It is a lot of pressure that really sucks the joy out of the holidays. On top of that add career stress, Matthew’s finals for school, a tight holiday budget, and other life stresses as the whipped cream on top. 

If my life were a Hallmark movie everyone would be happy, or at least end up that way. Family would call and wish us a Merry Christmas, even if they didn’t get to see us this year. We would all hug it out and agree to spend more time together supporting one another instead of trying to control each other’s time. I would suddenly book up my business for the following year and have endless vacation days. Suddenly, all my worries for the new year and my career would be a far away thought. Then we would all meet up in one place while everyone gets along and we would bake cookies together and sip hot chocolate by our stunning Christmas tree and crackling fireplace (which I don’t have in our tiny loft) while listening to classic Christmas carols. 

So that won’t ever happen.

But I can go to a local tree lighting. I can bake cookies, meet up for hot chocolate with some friends, visit a local theater to watch The Nutcracker, put on a holiday classic film at home, volunteer at a local soup kitchen, build a gingerbread house, listen to Christmas music, decorate for the holidays, and wish for snow for Christmas morning. Life isn’t perfect; it is messy and often miserable. But I can use those emotions as a reminder to appreciate the good things too. The bad makes all the good so much better.

Life isn’t a Hallmark movie, but I can appreciate the good moments that the holiday brings. 

This year I will be putting in the effort to make the most of the season instead of dreading it. I can accept the bad and appreciate the good. I have the choice to focus my attention on what brings value to my life instead of ruminating on what hurts me the most or brings me down. The people in our life that hurt us so much last year will have to learn that we don’t owe them all of our time and energy because I deserve to be respected too. I’m not a doormat and I need to treat myself better instead of enduring emotionally abusive situations. I’m going to be practicing a lot of self-compassion and self-esteem building. I can make a valiant effort to stop wishing for things that cannot be. This year I hope my Christmas has more Hallmark movie moments in it, and that yours does too. 

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