Reclaim Your Joy This Holiday Season

Life changes; sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. But it inevitably must change, whether we like it to or not. This blog post is for anyone reading this that has had to redefine their holidays this year. Whether you’re newly married, grieving a loved one, just moved far away or to a new home, lost a home, gone through a breakup or divorce, became a new parent, or have simply faced any sort of change, you can reclaim your joy during the holidays. Maybe you can’t be home for Christmas, a loved one is on active duty outside of the country, or someone you love can’t make it to your Christmas Eve dinner this year because they are spending the holiday with their in-laws or have other plans. It’s ok to feel disappointed, angry, hurt, or sad, yet it is never ok to take those feelings out on yourself or others. To feel joy during the holidays, especially when we’re hurting or things are not going our way, we must accept that every year things change. Joy may come and go, just as sadness does, but you can obtain moments of joy and calm during the busy holiday season this year. 

At the end of this post I share my top eight tips for bringing joy back into your holidays after experiencing change or sadness. Before I tell you how, let me share my story and how I got to this point. I had to go through quite a few holiday battles to get to where I learned how to stand up for myself, put my needs and mental health first, and enjoy the holidays. Last Christmas was not the the first time I have had to reevaluate what my holidays mean to me. The first holiday after a loved one has passed away has always changed the holidays. In my heart I knew, each and every time, that going forward the holidays would feel different and be different. Every time our family became smaller from the loss of a loved one, the holidays changed. And then every time a new child was born into the family the holidays also changed. Every year they keep on changing, just as we tend to do and our family does too. The holidays can be so bittersweet. The one thing I can count on every year is that it will indeed change once more. 

I can’t remember the last time I have had a truly happy or relaxed holiday season. As a child of divorced parents, I was always missing half of my family. At the time it wasn’t too terrible, as it had always been this way. I also know that I was blessed in many ways, but the sadness I felt was also valid. I tried my best to put on a happy face because I didn’t want to hurt my family. I remember laying under our Christmas tree at my mother’s house when I was around eleven years old and listening to “Blue Christmas” on repeat as I drew pictures of blue Christmas trees (because it was a blue Christmas after all) and crayon drawings of how I wish my Christmas looked like with my family. I knew to be grateful that we even had a Christmas tree, but what I wanted most was to spend time with my family. As I got older I thought the holidays would get easier, instead I found myself pulled between all sides of the family and those sides of the family grew as different relationships were formed and broken. The tug-o-war has only gotten more aggressive and tiring each and every year. 

In my teens, I tried to please everyone, unknowingly creating a precedent for those I love to feel like they had a right to control my time. It laid down the foundation which led to me becoming a holiday doormat. I had no idea how to build healthy boundaries. I did my best to see everyone and created a system to divide my time. What I was unknowingly doing was allowing other people to feel like they had ownership of my time and I would drag that with me into adulthood. 

In adulthood, I was so trapped in the tug-o-war that I kept doing what I had been doing; splitting my time between as many as six different households on Christmas Eve and Christmas day because everyone expected it of me. I didn’t want to hurt anyone by saying no. It was an exhausting “Christmas commute” that left me feeling drained, hurt, and in tears year after year after year since childhood and was still causing me dread every single holiday season. 

Last Christmas was my first married Christmas. My husband’s only holiday request; to sleep in our own bed on Christmas Eve and wake up together at home. He wanted our first ever Christmas at home. I made it happen. In fact; I made every Christmas commute destination happen. We saw absolutely everyone within the two day holiday season. We ended up getting home after 11 on Christmas Eve and I stayed up past 1 in the morning preparing for Christmas day. But I somehow pulled it all off. I thought I did it; I made everyone happy. But of course, I didn’t. It still was not enough. Between Matthew and I we had four angry parents, three disappointed grandparents, and six unhappy siblings and a handful of other disappointed family members. It wasn’t enough. And above all, I was feeling the most let down. 

It was just a few minutes into being unfairly berated by my family a few days after Christmas that I realized that I did it all wrong. That I had made a mistake, not by leaving early Christmas Eve and planing an extra event on Christmas morning to please the other side of my family, but by thinking that I had to do it all. I don’t. I don’t owe my time to anyone. By letting my family control me and my time it was causing me a lot of hurt and it was damaging to my relationship with my husband as well as my own happiness and wellbeing. 

My family was being unfair and controlling. I was manipulated into returning after the holidays for a “post-Christmas” event, which was really a cover up for a premeditated lecture and dressing down. The moment we stepped inside I realized that we had walked right into a lion’s den. I was told that by leaving on Christmas Eve after the party was over instead of sleeping over, that I have “betrayed my family’s trust.” Apparently, not sleeping over Christmas Eve makes me “untrustworthy, cold, unsupportive, and have changed from the person I used to be.” Their words were sharp and meant to burn. I still came over Christmas Eve and came back for a Christmas celebration. The only difference is that we drove home and slept in our own beds, as all adult people tend to do, especially on their first year as a married couple. I’m a grown adult. And manipulating me into feeling bad for things that I should not feel bad for is not acceptable.

The only other person in the room who stood up for us and said we didn’t do anything wrong by going home was told to leave the room and was actually forcibly removed when she didn’t. I still can’t believe it. People can feel upset or disappointed. That’s fine, but to take it out on us was not acceptable behavior. I understand that they were disappointed, sad, or even hurt that things were changing now that I am married, but taking it out on us was not acceptable. Instead of spending time with them, we could have been at any number of places we were invited to, but instead we bent over backwards to make sure we visited. We could have spent the holidays with my in-laws and not even seen them at all. To feel that entitled to my life is not acceptable. I understand that not everyone will be happy when you make other holiday plans or when things inevitably change, but I am not responsible for the way other people feel. I am not a possession. And if this has or is happening to you because you’re life has changed; you’ve grown up, moved out, got married, undergone a breakup,  or any number of reasons why your holidays might be changing, just remember that no one is entitled to your holiday plans. 

It wasn’t until I was sitting there on the sofa with my family armed with hurtful words that I realized that I was to blame; not for doing what we did, but for letting it happen in the first place. I needed to learn how to stand up for myself and to set boundaries. 

It was our first married Christmas, and although I did make my husband’s wish come true, I barely had time to sleep or to slow down and enjoy our time together. I was in a constant state of stress and turmoil for two days straight. Two days that should have been two of the happiest of the year. Two days that have caused me grief and strain with my family ever since. Families are complicated. And I’m simply doing my best. 

Needless to say, we are doing whats best for us this year. Change hurts. I know that my marriage did cause a lot of change, but most of it has been for the better. I’ve grown up, as people do. And I have come to realize that I have to put my own health and happiness, and that of my marriage, before the petty and selfish needs of others that wish to control me. 

Perhaps your own Christmas story is similar, or perhaps your holiday pains and stress comes from other sources. No matter what it is, there is hope for a wonderful holiday this year. I am reclaiming my joy this season and I hope that you can too. Below are my top eight tips for reclaiming your joy this holiday season, no matter what kind of change you are experiencing. 

How to reclaim your joy this holiday season: 

One. When making plans, listen to your heart. No one is entitled to how you spend your holiday. How do you want to spend your time? You may have numerous invitations or even expectations placed on your shoulders. But what do you want? In the past, I never listened to my heart and it was the cause of all of my worries. If a friend had reached out to me in a similar situation to myself, I would have told her to do what she wanted and celebrate Christmas at home with her husband. It is time that I treat myself with as much love and compassion that I would treat my friends. Treat yourself that way; be honest. How do you want to spend your time this year? Plan it, without apology or justification. 

Two. Don’t apologize. One of the things I am very proud of myself for doing last Christmas was not apologizing for things that I do not need to be sorry for. I almost did! But a therapist I was seeing told me that I do not owe anyone my time, unless I wish it. That I have nothing to be sorry for by taking care of myself and my husband over the holidays. That by saying sorry, you’re giving the other person the validation for their self-righteous anger. By apologizing for something you did not do wrong, you are giving the other person the power to tear you down. By apologizing for something you did not do wrong, then you are providing that person with the ammunition and “evidence” to make them feel justified. So don’t apologize to others or even to yourself if you have nothing to be sorry for. Of course, it goes without saying that if you have intentionally harmed someone, then an apology is needed. But you never have to be sorry for doing what is right for you. 

Three. Practice acceptance. Change can hurt, but you cannot find joy if you are not willing to accept the things that harm us and realize that we have the power to alter how we are feeling. It is ok to feel sad, hurt, angry, or despair. Let yourself feel what you have to. Accept it as a part of your experience so that you can also accept the good. If you’re constantly battling yourself or the past you cannot appreciate the present moment. 

Four. Find your community. It’s ok to feel sad over the holidays. There is so much to be reminded of when we are missing someone or something dear to us in some way. Changing traditions or a big loss can cause so much hurt, especially around the holidays. But don’t be afraid to find joy. Do something that makes you happy, spend time with those that lift you up, and make time for yourself. Find joy in the things that make you who you are and celebrate positivity with people who lift you up instead of those that bring you down. Don’t isolate yourself this season. Instead, embrace the kindness within your own circle.

Five. Practice self-care. Cry if you have to, scream it out into a pillow, do whatever you have to do to let it out and let go, even for just a day. But also make time to soothe your soul. Work out at the gym, dance in your living room, go for a walk, call a good friend, write a letter, take a bath, listen to holiday music, work on a fun craft or project, enjoy a hobby; do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. 

Six. Gratitude. Thankfulness, appreciation, and gratitude are so important to for mental health and happiness, especially around the holidays. Everyone has something to be grateful for. It could be a supportive friend, a beloved pet, a helpful coworker, a steady job, a cozy winter blanket, or any number of people, places, and things. Do your best to think of three things you’re grateful for everyday and you can bring a lot of happiness to your days. 

Seven. Get into the holiday spirit. Make a list of all your favorite seasonal activities. Do the holiday activities that bring you joy. It can be anything from threading popcorn into garlands, listening to holiday music, watching a favorite classic film, or going out to see the holiday lights. Make it a point to welcome joy into your life by checking off a list of activities that bring you happiness every holiday season. 

Eight. Create new traditions. This step can be one of the hardest, but also one of the most rewarding and hopeful things you can do to celebrate the season. Without us realizing it, traditions are created all of the time. The traditions of the past that we truly enjoyed over the seasons had to start somewhere. This is your turn to create new memories and new traditions to incorporate into your festivities for the following years. Is there something you have always wished you had done more of every holiday? Make time for it. Start a holiday game night, create a seasonal ritual that you can repeat next year, and let go of the old traditions that no longer serve your wellbeing. Give yourself permission to experience joy with a new tradition this year or restart a retired tradition from holidays long past. 

How to do reclaim your joy after change? Leave a comment below.