.jpg)
Unfortunately not all friendships are created equal. Some friends will be better that others. Friendships differ across the board and that is perfectly ok, but every once in a while some people find themselves in a toxic relationship with a friend. Life is too short to be trapt in any perpetually awful relationship. Knowing when or how to let a toxic friendship go is hard.
When I was much younger I simply did not know any better. I was a quiet kid that had a couple extremely close friends in elementary school and then in middle school I found myself with a much larger and eclectic group of pre-teens. It was exciting to be making so many great new friends and indeed I am still good friends with several of those kids today. But there was one friendship that would later hurt me and drain my time and positive energy over the next decade and a half. I thought I was being a good friend by doing my best to keep the friendship together, but I was really doing a great disservice to myself and this other person instead.
This friend in particular was someone I became friends with because I actually stepped in when I noticed she was being bullied by another student in class. We got to talking and learned that we had a lot in common at the time. Over the years we did have many great moments, good trips, and lovely shared experiences. But one thing I was not planning on was this friend becoming a “frenemy.” I truly hate this word. There is no place in society for someone to be a fake friend to your face, and talk badly about you behind your back.
I am not sharing this story to make anyone feel bad or call anyone out. I have actually forgiven this woman and I wish her the best in the life, but I feel that by sharing my story perhaps someone else can learn from my mistakes.
I hadn’t known it at the time, but this girl often spoke badly of me to my other friends. She shared things I told her in confidence and spread false rumors about me that were very damaging to my reputation in high school. Even my teachers heard and believed these rumors, which damaged my learning experience. And this girl who I befriended after protecting her from a bully, became best friends with a girl who was bullying me and eventually became a bully herself.
I was harassed so badly that I almost had to change schools and was threatened over attending my senior prom. I was stalked online by her new best friend and this girl told me I was not allowed to speak to any of my other friends and told my friends to stay away from me. I felt isolated and alone. I was threatened with being beat up by this other girl and even uninvited from school activities and gatherings at friends houses.
When someone I cared for deeply passed away she brushed it off and told me that he was better off dead. I was pressured to drink or try drugs by this friend and when I did not rumors were spread that I was a pot head and promiscuous! Despite everything, I stayed friends with this girl and forgave her repeatedly. In college I came home and made special trips to visit her, even though she never once visited me and repeatedly blew me off. I thought that I was being a good and loyal friend, without taking the time to realize that I was not getting that same consideration in return. It was not until I formed other stronger friendships that I even realized how toxic that “friendship” was.
My new friends have taught me what true, supportive, loving, and positive friendships mean. I was able to recognize the destruction of this other person’s behavior in my life. It was clearer to see how this person, who I trusted as my friend, was jealous of my successes and kept trying to tear me down. She only reached out to me if she needed something from me or if her other “best friend,” the girl who bullied me, was not being a good friend to her. My new friends gave me the courage to walk away. Instead of having a bad friendship breakup, the girl in question had not spoken or responded to my messages for months. I simply returned the favor. After about six months she finally noticed and unfriended me online. The connection dissolved over time all on its own from distance and time.
Of course, this is not the way to end all toxic relationships. Often a conversation has to happen. Like all breakups, keeping it short, honest, and kind is the best approach. Some connections need a more assertive ending.
I understand how you can care for someone, feel a sense of loyalty and connection through years of shared experience, but also know that the right thing to do sometimes is to walk away. It is never easy, but your well being is so important. If a “friend” is treating you poorly, harming your self esteem, or sabotaging your happiness and success, then you need to put yourself first. Wish them well and walk away.
This life lesson helped me recognize toxic patterns in other areas of my life, and gave me the experience to walk away from a bad office environment just a couple years after this friendship ended. It helped me to recognize signs for this kind of interaction and gave me the assertiveness I needed to never allow it again.
Sometimes people make mistakes and most times those mistakes deserve forgiveness, however, there is a line that you should determine for yourself.
How To Tell If A Friendship Is Toxic
- After every interaction with this friend, you feel badly about yourself.
- This friend talks behind your back and spreads rumors.
- This friend posts bad things about you online.
- You dread having to see or talk to this person.
- This friend is very jealous of your relationship or successes.
- This person sabotages your happiness and success.
- They are never there to support you, but demand your support constantly.
- You cannot trust them with personal information about you.
- They are bitter when you achieve or earn something.
- They constantly criticize you.
- They belittle your achievements.
- When they only call if they need something from you.
- If they bully you.
- When you make a mistake, they hold it over you and resent you.
- They ignore you.
Life is too short for toxic friendships. Firing a toxic friend is hard to do. No matter your experience, I hope that you have the courage to live your best life, let go of the bad, and welcome in stronger and healthier connections. Hold onto the friends that make your life shine brighter and be the kind of friend you want to have.
