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The little things really do add up, which is why every Friday I end the week on a positive note with appreciation for the little things in my life that make up a greater sense of joy. This week things are very different. I’m just going to share a letter.
Dear Friends,
I’m devastated. All good people are right now. It is difficult to come onto the blog today and share all the little things I am thankful for because there are so many things to be upset, angry, and hopeless about.
Racism is bad and it exists. It is the number one thing I have fought or argued with people about over the past decade and more. In the face of homophobia, racism, and sexism I have been very outspoken. I’ve actively called people out for racist actions and comments and because of that there are a handful of people who really don’t like me, but I’m ok with that. I may love some of these people, but I don’t like them much either. When the Black Lives Matter movement started several years back (after numerous other movements for the same problem that still has not been fixed), I faced a lot of backlash from people when I openly supported it. And this week I’ve watched these same people who were so angry with me about standing with Black Lives Matter several years ago come out in support of it. I really hope these people have changed within themselves, but a bigger part of me wonders if they’re really that blind to their own biases or hiding behind the movement. Because this isn’t about “other” people. This is about all of us. I’m hoping their eyes have just been opened. And I’m angry. I’m so angry.
I know that we can’t fix this problem immediately. It’s been 400 years of racism in the United States and things haven’t really changed all that much. But it does start with a conversation.
The hardest part for me, like many, is contradicting racist remarks made by people we know, maybe even people we love. This letter today is dedicated to anyone who has stood up to a family member and felt hopelessness from it. My family is diverse and thankfully most are very anti-racists, but there are a couple in particular that say the most awful things, but claim they’re not racists. Un-funny story, racists don’t think they’re racists. If you ask a KKK member if they’re racist they will tell you that they are not. It’s like talking to a brick wall. Racists get very defensive and they often lack the ability to listen, accept when they have made a mistake, and recognize when their beliefs are wrong even in the face of facts. They cannot take any criticism at all. Racists psychologically are the most difficult people to talk to and they rarely will change when confronted. It usually takes a lot of people and a lot of being called out by loved ones over a long period of time for them to even start to consider their own biases.
One person in my family made a racist post on my business page that I had to take down and then confront them about. I had to tell this person how unacceptable it was. They of course went on about how “crazy” I am and they decided to try to start a fight so I had to end that conversation. Matthew himself had to confront a family member for posting extremely racist comments and resharing white-supremists posts on Instagram. The awful part is that she didn’t see anything wrong with them and said they weren’t racist at all. She wouldn’t pick up the phone when he tried to call or respond to his message. He wanted to reach out in concern in a long way to help her. She sent him a message last night saying she was “too busy” to talk this week (in other words; swimming with family and hanging out with friends) and, “If you would like to voice some concerns through text [meaning, I disagree with you and defend my racists posts], giving me ample time to gather my thoughts and update my information regarding the topics you address [translation; let me gather information to try to prove my racists stance and prove you wrong], I would be happy to debate [debate?! seriously?!] with you and hear you. [You don’t want to hear us right now, so actually, that’s a big fat lie.] : ) [smug smiley face]” No one wants to debate with you, they want to talk to you because you posted some really racist and offensive trash. And most importantly, racism is not up for debate! How obtuse can you be?
Of course, I would never publicly shame or mention these people by name. Let it be clear, we love these two people and they do have some positive qualities, but it is really hard to see all that through the poison running through their brains and out their mouths. But we’ve repeatedly been made to feel uncomfortable by their racist and homophobic beliefs for many years now and we have constantly questioned wanting to see these two people because of it. A year ago I had to block the stories on Instagram from the second person because I felt so sick all of the time seeing her trashy posts. My blood would boil and I knew that I couldn’t do anything to change her. She learned it from her parents and her older sister and her younger siblings have learned it well too. I can only control myself. That being said, being silent is acceptance. Sometimes you have to say something not to change the other person, but because you don’t want them to change you. These two people don’t even read my blog so I’m not worried about stirring them up by posting this. But wow, these were doozies. I’m fired up. My husband is fired up. It is so hard to fight racism when it is absolutely everywhere. And I know a big part of my white privilege is that I don’t see it or have to confront it on a daily basis.
One time several years ago Matthew and I walked out on his family’s Thanksgiving dinner because a racists guest of theirs was on a heated rampage about “racism against white people” and how she is “afraid of black people” who want to hurt her “because she is white.” And when, holding back my anger as much as I could to try to reason with that lunatic, I opposed her views and the rest of his family jumped to her defense. Matthew and I looked at each other and walked out. We drove all the way back home to Maryland where we were living at the time without visiting again. I’m sharing these stories because most of us can relate. And if you’ve seen or experienced something like this then you know we have a big problem and its not just other people. It is us, it is our own biases and it is in our communities and in our families.
So we’re going to protest. We’re going to try to make it to DC or to a local protest tomorrow if we can’t make it to Washington.
This week the little things I am thankful for are actually quite big.
Most of all, I’m thankful to all the protestors. Oh yes, we can make change. When dictators like Trump try to quiet our voices we need to get louder. We need to do more, speak more, protest more, and make a difference. We need to implement change.
I’m thankful for all the good I have seen from my friends and family.
I’m so thankful for all the people finally speaking out, especially the people who never did before. This is change and this is good.
We have a long road ahead of us and we often feel helpless, but things do improve. They are better than they were a decade or two ago and I know that the future will improve too. I have to believe that things will get better.
Thank you for sticking around my very heated letter today. I’m so worked up. I think we all are. Let us keep the momentum going.
With appreciation,
Courtney
