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When I was a kid I loved wearing dresses. It always felt like a game of dress up to me, and now as an adult, I often feel the same. Throughout college and shortly after, I loved wearing dresses again. Ruffles, stripes, patterns, and polka dots. I love textiles. A floppy sunhat and over sized sunglasses for a day at the beach. Classic red lip stick to feel like Grace Kelly or Ginger Rogers when the moment was just right or if I needed a pick-me-up to brighten my day. Back in college I was met with mild amusement and some funny stares for my love of feminine and vintage flare. I was probably the only woman under the age of seventy in my little town wearing wool hats in winter and floppy sunhats at the beach in summer. Until recently that is. All of a sudden, all the fashion I love is very en vogue. Instead of being the quirky person, I feel more like a trend setter.
There is no mistake that people use fashion as a means to express themselves. As a kid I was teased for it and as a young adult I was met with quite a few raised eyebrows, but I have always loved dressing up my own way. It didn’t have to be new or expensive, it just had to be “me.”
When I was six my mother asked me why I wore my favorite dresses to school when most of the kids were into the GAP or Adidas. “Aren’t you afraid of being made fun of, Courtney?” she asked one morning on the way out to the bus stop.
“I’m not going to be afraid to be myself,” was my childlike reasoning. And I was right.
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In high school I used the same mentality when wearing my tripps (black pants with straps and chains that were popular with the rocker/ goth crowd in the early 2000’s) and fishnet gloves from Hot Topic, or during my “menswear phase,” when I wore only over sized clothing I found in the boys department. I’m not going to be afraid to be myself.
And that is truly what fashion is all about to me. Simply being myself or feeling like the person I want to be. Some days I am more creative than others. Some days I am more sad or feeling in need of comfort than others. And some days I want to feel confident so I wear a bright color to cheer myself and some high heeled shoes so that I am walking taller. They raise me up literally and figuratively.
The secret reason why I adore dressing up is because it gives me a chance to be me.
Last year when I was caught up in the end of my dark spiral; feeling grief over a loss and feeling helpless from an office bully, I stopped feeling like myself. Some days I fall into that trap. I don’t want to dress up or present myself for the day. I want to hide in the shadows. I don’t want to stand out. I want to curl up and just be comfy. And that is ok. Sometimes we need that.
But when I open my closet or dresser drawers and pull out something fun and so “me” then I know that it is going to be a good day.
After I quit that toxic job and started my first Year of Living Lovely (the monthly goal project I started last year to find myself again and make myself a happier and healthier person) I noticed a big change in the way I dressed. Out came the colors and all the fun dresses that had been placed in the back of my closet. Out came the lipstick and the high heeled shoes. I tried new trends and fearlessly declared myself to be alive and creative and bright and here.
I had misplaced myself for a short while. I had been afraid to be myself because what I wanted out of life was different. I was not following the rat race. I was not in the comfortable life path my parents had wished for me. Some days I was in complete limbo or the “I’m just trying to figure it all out” mentality. I was daydreaming again and trying new things. I was trying again at being me.
And I was not going to be afraid to be myself again.
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