The Truth About Going No Contact

Going no contact is a last resort. Perhaps you are reading this because you just went through a bad breakup, are considering cutting off communication and contact with an emotionally abuse relative, have to walk away from a toxic friendship, or are cutting out an abusive boss or co-worker. Perhaps you’re just curious about what happens after you make that big decision to go no contact for good. People go no contact for countless reasons. Going no contact is when you remove all contact and communication with an individual or group. It means no viewing their social media pages, no answering their texts, no re-reading old messages, no communication in any way, and avoiding running into this person for your own emotional (and sometimes physical) safety. They are no longer a part of your life in any way, shape, or form. It does not mean ignoring someone, cutting someone off as a means of revenge or “getting back” at them for a wrongdoing, and it does not mean cyber stalking their social media pages.

No contact means no contact. It doesn’t always mean forever, but for many people it does. When someone makes the decision to go no contact, it is not a decision that can often be reversed. It is not a decision made lightly, but could very well be your saving grace. It is often a last resort option for many people looking to get away from a toxic person.

I am not a therapist or a healthcare professional. I only share these thoughts and opinions from my own set of experiences and it is my hope that by opening up and sharing more of my story that I can help someone else experiencing the same thing. No contact is not right for everyone. If this person is a relative, you might feel that going no contact will not work for you for numerous reasons. If you share children with the toxic person you are leaving then no contact is not an option in most cases, only low-contact is. Going no contact is a choice usually made to protect yourself from an abusive person with a severe personality disorder such as narcissism. You cannot change them (although you might have tried to resolve things to the best of your ability) so the only thing you feel left to do is to get away for your own wellbeing. That is a brave choice and a choice that people do not make lightly. I will not be telling you what is right or wrong for you, as I believe this is a decision you need to make on your own. Today I will be sharing how to go no contact, what motivates people to do it, what happens after, and how it impacts the future. If you are considering no contact or find yourself in an emotionally abusive situation, please seek help from a professional therapist. This is going to be a very long and detailed post because there is so much that happens when you go no contact. I will not be able to cover everything or even every situation, but I hope that it helps you with your own choice.

Perhaps you have tried everything to make things work with this person or group. Maybe you spoke to them to try to resolve the issue, have found yourself in a yo-yo of ups and downs with this person as you navigate their temper or unpredictability, or have even spent months in therapy trying to make it work. You might have wasted years of your life trying to please this person, only to be put down in return.

When a person chooses to go no contact with someone it is because the relationship has been irreparably damaged or is so toxic that it is harming the person who has made the decision to get away. It is not ignoring or cutting off someone to get back at them. Those are two completely different issues. When people go no contact it is to save themselves. When people give others the cold shoulder it is to hurt someone else. The motives are completely different, although they appear similar at first glance. Also, the person who is being cut off might try to spin it to others that you are cutting them out as a form of revenge or might actually feel that you are trying to hurt them. That is a part of the smear campaign. I will get to that one later.

 

Reasons To Go No Contact

Everyone makes mistakes and every type of relationships has ups and downs. This is a normal part of any relationship. But when a relationship (in any form) turns toxic and abusive, you may find that there is no salvaging the relationship or safety to be found in it. By relationship, I mean any relationship between two or more people. It could be a friendship, a romantic connection, a spouse, a parent, sibling, distant relative, co-worker, boss, mentor, etc. At first you may have tried to fix things, especially when nothing was your fault. You may find yourself wishing you had never met this person, that things could be different, that they would change, or wishing to get away. Unfortunately, no matter what you do and how hard you try there is no fixing this toxic situation. For more help on this topic I highly suggest researching narcissism (and covert narcissism) and speaking with a therapist if you believe you are being emotionally abused. Dr. Ramani on YouTube has an invaluable collection of videos on toxic people and emotional abuse.

Abuse comes in many forms, not just physical and sexual abuse. If someone is harming you in these ways, please seek professional help to leave. Emotional abuse on the other hand is a lot more hidden and less understood. Forms of emotional abuse include manipulation, controlling behavior, financial control, gas-lighting (denying your reality such as saying “I would never say that,” when you know that they did), harassing you, emotional blackmail, guilt tripping, putting you down, scapegoating you (blaming you for things other people do or events that are not in your control), smearing you to others, love bombing you (being super kind and loving only to turn on you then next), lieing to you or about you, and so much more. When someone acts this way and has no empathy or compassion for you (but plenty of fake empathy to share with others), then they most likely have a personality disorder such as narcissism. When you understand narcissism you can see these behaviors for what they are and recognize when someone is toxic and unlikely to change.

When someone has been emotionally abused and gas-lighted on top of it, they may not recognize that they have been abused for years until they hit a breaking point, often in the form of severe anxiety, depression, or even PTSD-like symptoms. For so long they might have even gas-lighted themselves by telling themselves, “It’s not that bad,” “I’m just overreacting,” “I’m probably being too sensitive,” “We had all these good times together so I’m sure this won’t last,” or “I’m sure they didn’t mean it,” because that is what their abuser has manipulated them into believing for so long.

When you start to come out of the fog, especially with the help of a trained therapist that recognizes what is happening to you, you might start to push back. You might try standing up for yourself or even build boundaries. For healthy relationships, this works. But this is not a healthy relationship. When you stand up for yourself you are squashed. They thrive off of anything they can get from you. If they cannot get supply through your praise or adoration, they may turn to baiting you in order to get something out of you to feed from. The toxic person does not like being told that they are wrong or to lose control over you. When they listen to you, they only do so to gather up more ammo to use against you. Everything you say and do can and will be used against you in this situation. They may tell you that you are crazy, have no empathy, accuse you of being abusive or narcissistic, and even project their own terrible traits and intentions onto you. When you build boundaries and attempt to find some time or space for yourself or tell them no to their unfair requests, they may deny your autonomy. They may ignore your wishes, tell you that you are being unreasonable, try to guilt you, or even harass you with messages and phone calls. When this happens and the only way to resolve the tension is to sink low and grovel, once again for something you did not do, you may finally decide that it is not worth living your life that way.

A toxic person will never apologize, unless it is a lie to get you back and then they do it again. In order to keep the peace you must become a people pleaser, constantly apologize when you did nothing wrong, constantly praise and fluff this person’s delicate mental state, serve your role in the one-sided relationship, and walk on eggshells. You may fin that they sadistically enjoy when you suffer and are jealous or cruel when you succeed. Happy moments such as holidays, birthdays, or celebrations are all sabotaged. You are constantly in a state of confusion because they say one thing, but do another. Nothing is ever their fault and you’re the “crazy” one. You are often devalued, discarded, and ignored, but once you’re doing your own thing (an even better, enjoying it) they come back to put you back in your place. When you have finally had enough, you might consider going no contact. Nothing else has worked. You’ve tried absolutely everything and you now know that there is nothing left except for more pain and abuse. It is then that you might decide to go no contact. For most, it truly is a last resort because you have spent so much time, love, and energy in this relationship. You desperately want to good parts of it, but realize that the bad is too bad to weather. You’re starting to mentally and even physically suffer the side effects of this relationship. You deserve more.

You might go low-contact at first to see if that will help; giving yourself some space and a time out and seeing less of this person. Perhaps that works, but for most it only makes the other person pick up in their attacks. But now you have had enough. You’re going no contact so that you can heal your anxiety, build up your self esteem, and pull the pieces of your life back together. You want to be happy, healthy, and thriving again.

 

How To Go No Contact

First of all, speak with a therapist that is trained in toxic people, abuse, narcissistic personality disorders, and trauma. A good therapist will understand where you are coming from rather than to try to give your abuser yet another “second chance.” They will help you build your own resilience and inner strength so that you can make the choice that is right for you and give you the tools to handle it. You will need a support system at this time and a good therapist is a must. You will also want a close knit group of family or friends that understand what has been happening in your life and can support you during this fall out. When you go no contact, the other person or group will retaliate and having someone in your corner can save your mental health at this time, especially when they try to turn other people against you. There are also numerous support groups as well as online support groups that can give you the support that you need through this decision.

Once your support system is in place, decide how you want to go no contact. You don’t owe this other person anything. You may decide to write them a letter or send them an e-mail. Or maybe they’ve been so anxiety inducing and abusive that you would rather not have any contact at all and not even notify them. Ghosting someone is usually not ok, but in cases of abuse you are justified in doing whatever you must do to protect yourself.

Then you must block all of their access to you. They thrive off of you. Cut off their supply. Block their number and their e-mail. Go into the privacy settings on your Facebook page and all social media to keep them from being able to gather intel about your life. Most importantly, stop looking them up. To truly go no contact, you must also protect your precious mental space. Don’t let them in. Chances are, they will post extra happy posts in order to make it look like they won or that they’re life is better without you. Or they may try to bait you by smearing you online or playing the victim. Do not give them that power over you. Do not talk about them with mutual acquaintances or friends because they will be fed any information or gossip about you from those people.

Avoid run ins by changing up your routine and avoiding places where they frequent. This may be hard and may take great effort on your part. Most importantly, when we go no contact, we may start to second guess and doubt ourselves. We may think of only the good and romanticize the highlights because we miss the good parts of this person. Make a list and remind yourself of why you made this decision in the first place and rely on it when the going gets tough. Keep going to therapy.

Now it is time to focus on you and to heal your life. You will thrive again.

 

What Happens When You Go No Contact

When you go no contact every day and every hour may feel different. For many, there is a strong sense of relief at first. You finally blocked your abuser’s number and now the harassing messages have stopped. They moved out, changed jobs, or started fresh in numerous ways. Without the constant walking on egg shells, fearing an emotional explosion or verbal attack, or running around to do the other person’s bidding. You’re free and it feels good. Until it doesn’t.

You’re a good person and you have a lot of empathy, so chances are you have never cut someone out before. You feel guilt or ruminate on what could have been different or what you could have done to prevent this. Or perhaps you beat yourself up for ignoring all the red flags in the first place. When they played the victim you fell for it. When they hurt you you forgave them. When they acted so amazing in front of others and treated you badly behind closed doors you blamed yourself. Perhaps you feel that what happened was your fault. You don’t understand how they could be so amazing to other people but treat you so badly. You start to focus on all the good times and have temporary amnesia about all the bad times or the deal breakers. You justify their behavior. Or you get angry at them. You’re so angry that they did this to you, and turned you into this emotional mess. The first few months are a roller coaster.

The fall out can be big, depending on the nature of the relationship. There is a long period of grief. You are grieving the loss of this person, who they were to you, or who you wanted them to be for you. The worst part is that they are still here and every once in a while you will be reminded of that.

Often, you wish karma would pay them back. But that is not always the case. These people are usually attractive, charming, or success to the outside world and continue to fool everyone around them. Some burn way too many bridges and to their new supply they will show their true colors eventually. But you cannot count on some great cosmic payback. As great as they try to make their lives look without you the truth is that they have not won, in fact, they have lost a lot. They have lost you, a kind and empathetic relationship, their integrity, and more.

This person or group will do everything in their power to hoover you or bait you back in until they realize that there is no hope. They may find alternative ways to contact you or even show up at your new home or job. They will try to guilt you “after all they’ve done for you.” They may try using other people to show you “what you’re missing,” by going on public dates or sharing pictures of their recent purchases or luxury vacations. They might pretend to be worried about you or confused about what happened. They might even pretend something awful happened to them or someone else to get you go rush back. They may send you nasty messages in an attempt to evoke a response, any response. Do not fall for it. Block that new number. Change your number if you absolutely have to. Do not give them access to you.

Next they will smear you. It may arrive in the form of false concern or complete lies about your character. They will talk “in confidence” to anyone that will listen, especially mutual connections. Often they start by saying “I shouldn’t be telling you this, but…” or “You can’t tell anyone I’m telling you this…” because they want to look like they care about your privacy when they do not. They also don’t want this person telling everything they said to others that could contradict the tale and expose their lies. You can usually spot a smear campaign when they say things about someone that are completely out of character for what you know of this person. It seems too awful to actually be true, most likely because it is. They will say that they are worried about you or “concerned for your mental health.” They may drop lies about your mental state to others such as saying you have a disorder, health problem, have an addiction, or are on medication. They want you to appear less reliable and mentally sound in case you tell them what they have done to you. They want to discredit you. They may even lie about you in extreme ways to make you look bad. They are likely to play the victim. After all you have done for them, they claim you have used them, cut them off for no reason, are manipulative and narcissistic, or have harmed them in some way. They will paint you as the villain and may even share damaging lies in order to slander your name and ruin your career and relationships with others.

So what can you do about a smear campaign? Sadly, nothing. When it happens, you will look bad trying to fight it or by telling true stories about them in return. They usually share these lies with people that they want to use to get to you, to cut you down in some way, or who will harass or stalk you in their place. These people are called “flying monkeys,” and once they have been ensnared by your abuser, they will most likely side with them or even report back to them with personal information about you. These are often good people who have fallen victim to your abuser and are trying to do the right thing by talking you back into going back to your abuser. They think they have good intentions, but they don’t realize how they themselves have been played to perpetrate the other person’s abuse. You may feel bad for this poor fool, but you must protect yourself from them because they are now doing the bidding of your abuser. They may spy on you and your social media to report back. A good person who genuinely cares for you will question what they narcissistic tells them about you, even if they become an enemy of your abuser for standing up for you. They will question their motives directly and see their true colors, or they may come to you for your side of the story. Beware those who ask you for your side with the intention of just reporting back to your abuser.

Another piece of the fall out are the other relationships that you may lose as a result. When the smear campaign starts you may notice your mutual connections dwindling or even turning against you. Some may quietly disappear, some may try to shame you, some may pretend to be your friend so that they can spy on you, and others may turns right out against you. As hard as it is to accept, you will have to let these relationships go. The smart ones will see through it and everyone else is not deserving of you. The hardest relationships to lose though are the people closest to you who may side with your abuser, especially when it comes to split marriages and going no contact with a family member. Families will choose sides and they may not choose yours, even when you do not put them in the middle and even when it is obvious that you are in the right. You can count on the other person to try to “win” them from you or flat out lie to turn them against you. With families especially this does happen. If you cut off a parent, your other parent may cut you off in retaliation or as a ploy to make you change your mind. One sibling might choose another. A relative might be completely blinded by your abuser and believe you to be the one in the wrong. This is without a doubt the most difficult part about going no contact, which is why so many feel that they cannot or choose to go low contact instead. You may already know who will turn from you and you may find yourself shocked by who you did not expect to turn against you. These are more relationships you may find yourself unexpectedly grieving.

In my own experience going no contact, I experienced all of the above. The most heartbreaking aspect though was losing a relationship with a sibling who believed the lies of the person mistreating me. I knew it was a possibility when I made my choice, but I was backed into a corner. And even though this sibling was very narcissistic, selfish, and abusive as well, I still wanted to keep the connection open. It also hurt that other relationships in my life were closed to me or diminished because of my hard choice to go no contact. I’m still hopeful that some of these relationships will bloom again one day in the future. I had tried everything I could to keep the relationship going because of this person, but it became a decision of having to chose my life over my abuser’s. And because she was a covert narcissist, well liked in the community as well as much older than myself, I came out of it looking like the villain. But what other people think does not matter because I know the truth, my friends and family know the truth, and I ultimately made the best decision to save my own wellbeing as well as my marriage. All the good things in my life today are because I had the courage to save myself and move forward to the next chapter in my life, knowing that it was going to be a painful path.

After a few months you will find yourself healing. You have achieved peace, freedom, and the chance to begin again. You can finally be and feel like yourself again. The anxiety comes and goes until it is gone and the depression may leave you as you take the next steps to heal your life.

 

What The Future Looks Like After Going No Contact

You have now been no contact for a few months, half a year, a year, or even more. You still find yourself grieving the loss of the relationship you wish you had or maybe you have stopped grieving them altogether. More often than not you are feeling firm and strong in your decision, but also grieving the loss of the other relationships you had to let go of in the fall out. You might not ever feel like you can move on from that, but in the best case scenario, you have healed enough to know that you made the right choice.

Your relationship with yourself has healed. For so long you doubted yourself, put yourself down, or thought very little of yourself. But now your self esteem is rising and with it your confidence is too. Because you now love yourself you are letting more light into your life. You’re more open and empathetic than you have been in a long time and it shows. Your health has improved. Perhaps the emotional abuse and the fall out you experienced made you sick in some way. Some people gain or lose weight, others lose hair or become physically sick. You might have developed ulcers or digestive problems. Maybe you coped poorly and picked up a bad habit. But now you are moving on.

It might happen quickly or it may take more time, but you are healing and beginning to thrive. Because you love yourself you’re taking better care of yourself. You’re healthier than you have been in a long time and the relationships and connections in your life with others is improving. You’re making new friendships and your career is growing as your confidence returns.

You might still look back in sadness for that person or simply for that wasted time. But you now accept what happened and you are not a victim but a survivor. You do not regret going no contact because it is what you needed to survive and to thrive. You no longer ruminate over what could have been and you’re not triggered by hearing about what this person is doing in their own lives or towards others.

You may experience months or years of not hearing from that person at all, only to have them message you out of the blue years later. It surprises you, but does not destroy you because you are stronger and happier now. You do not need them, even though they obviously need you.

You know you have completely healed when news of or from them leaves you feeling indifferent. You’re not afraid, sad, or anxious. You are beginning to thrive.

And that is the end goal of going no contact. The truth is that it is one of the hardest and most painful things you might ever do. It will hurt for a very long time and require massive amounts of work. But ultimately, your good mental and physical health and happiness is all you need to know that you made the right decision.

 

 

I hope that this post was helpful for you in your no contact journey, especially because it is such a raw and painful time. You’re not alone. Please share your own no contact story if you feel comfortable doing so in the comments for other readers and share this blog post with the survivors in your life. If I left anything out, please let me know or suggest a topic for another post.