Thirty Empowering Things I learned In thirty Years

I’m turning thirty this month and I am looking forward to it. People ask, “Aren’t you afraid of getting older?” My response; “Since when was thirty old?” or, “Not really.” I’m not afraid of aging as long as I do what I want to do with my life. I know that it is inevitable and I accept it gracefully, mostly because I am an active participant in my own life. A majority of the more mature people in my life have always told me that their thirties were the best years of their lives and I find myself really looking forward to it.

With age comes wisdom, confidence, and a more established personality and work/life balance, or at least it is all starting to come together in some way. I’m still figuring life out (aren’t we all?), but I have learned some valuable (and sometimes painful) lessons along the way. There were things I wish someone had told me earlier and some things I had to learn through experience. I had to practice acceptance and self compassion. Some of my experiences you might not agree with, and that’s ok. Everyone has different experiences or reactions to what they experience. But this is what I have had to learn for myself.

I wanted to share thirty of those lessons with you in celebration of thirty years on earth:

 

One. You don’t need to plan out your entire future; life never goes according to plan. Instead, if you focus your energy on finding happiness in the present you will always feel fulfilled. If you’re living in the future you are “time traveling” and missing out on all the good right here and now.

Two. Success doesn’t look like a giant house, the dream job, trophy partner, fancy car, or snazzy clothes. It looks like gratitude and happiness and following your own path. Comparing yourself to others is a recipe for discontent and unhappiness. Once again, the answer is gratitude.

Three. Sunscreen does pay off. I’ve been religious about sunscreen since I was twelve. Not exactly sure where it came from, but I have never fake tanned or roasted in the sun intentionally. I tend to tan naturally regardless of what I do and I do sometimes miss the very dark tans of my youth, but my skin looks and feels amazing at thirty and I have a feeling it is going to continue to pay off for years to come.

Four. Sometimes friendships fade. As a teen, I resisted this. I’m very fortunate enough to still have deep connections with friends from my childhood and teen and college years. Quite a few have faded naturally and others fizzled out because they weren’t healthy to begin with. Sometimes it was sad when I felt it happening to friendships I really valued and tried to hold onto, but I realized that if someone doesn’t feel I’m worth staying in touch with when I do my best to reach out, that my energy is better invested in the positive relationships that I do have. I spent so much time doing everything I could to stay connected with a couple people and they did nothing in return. It was a terrible waste of energy and sadness. I didn’t stop being their friend, I just stopped trying too hard. I’m thankful that when I do pass these old friends, we’re still very happy to run into one another. I’m thankful that I never had to dump a toxic friend and none of them have had to dump me. I wish them all well! That being said, maintain your good relationships. As I mentioned above, some friendships naturally fade and it can be for the best. But those amazing connections you have with the people in your life need maintenance too. Check in every once in a while and make time for the people that matter most because life passes fast.

Five. You are important and deserving of love and happiness. Your life matters. Happiness is a choice. Almost everything we feel is a result of a choice we made. That is empowering because it means you have the power to change things when you are unhappy.

Six. Never say never. I never thought I would find a love like those in the books I read or movies I watch or even remotely close to the epic love story of my grandparents. Then I met Matthew. I also never thought I would make my own business one day, yet here I am loving every moment of it. I also never thought I would enjoy blogging and now it is my favorite activity. Life has limitless possibilities so don’t limit yourself.

Seven. Meditation is amazing. It truly does rewire your brain for happiness and calm. In my early twenties I didn’t think I could sit still for long or “quiet my mind,” but once again I’ve been proven wrong. I’m so grateful for my practice.

Eight. You don’t need the eyeliner. Or the makeup. Wear it for fun, wear it to feel good, but remember that you don’t need it.

Nine. Love your natural hair. In my teens and twenties I straightened my hair every time I went anywhere public because curly hair was not considered attractive. How terribly sad for my teen self’s self-esteem. It absolutely destroyed and burned my hair and ruined my natural curl pattern, not to mention hurt my self worth. I haven’t straightened my hair in three years and the curls are coming back in healthy. I also feel my most beautiful now with my natural hair, which took me until last year to feel, especially when I saw photos of myself with my natural hair texture. It’s hard when the only curls you see in movies, magazines, and in ads are perfectly manicured fake curls instead of unique and often frizzy real curls.My hair type is still not “in,” but I don’t care. No one should feel ashamed of their hair. All textures are beautiful and I’m embracing mine.

Ten. The past does have an impact on your present, whether we think it does or not. It took me years to realize that the traumas on my childhood and youth were damaging my well being in the present and also creating cycles in my life that I unknowingly followed. It kept me from preventing myself from getting into other toxic situations. I learned that our past does not define us, but it does shape us. Everyone dealing with anything should talk with a trained professional. It has helped me overcome so much and I’m glad that I asked for help.

Eleven. I was a maximalist in my childhood, hoarding everything. Now I still collect books and my closet is pretty tight, but I’m a minimalist now in many ways and having a clear and clutter free space has had such a profound impact on my well being. I’m still sentimental about some things. The truth is, you don’t need half of what you think you do. It feels much better living with enough rather than too much. Sometimes I still struggle with this because it is in my nature to hold on to things that I “might” need one day, but it is worth the effort.

Twelve. Your car does not define you (if you even have one) and you do not need a new car to keep up with the Jones’s. Where I live, I need a car to get around. I bought my old used Trusty for $7,000 after college and kept him until he kicked the bucket last fall. Paint was missing off the hood and the muffler was taped up. The windows rolled down with a lever and I didn’t have heated seats. I loved my CD player. You have no idea how many times people judged or made fun of me for my car. But the joke was on them because I had no car payment for several years and the maintenance and insurance (Only $44 dollars a month) was next to nothing. I saved thousands of dollars every year and achieved financial independence as a result. I used the extra money for our wedding, travel, and to build up a retirement nest egg. I only bought new after Trusty died because it had the safety features we were looking for and I knew that I would keep this next car until it too would not run anymore. I’m hoping it lasts a good fifteen years like Trusty did.

Thirteen. Sometimes you are born into a family that does not always appreciate you. You can’t choose your childhood or your family. -But you can decide what to do with the rest of your life and who to let in. Learn to love, respect, and take care of yourself.

Fourteen. I never understood how anyone could cut off a family member and I never thought I had it in me to block an abusive relative. -Until I understood what emotional abuse was doing to me and became aware of covert narcissism. I realized that no matter what I did, I could not change the way this person treated me and that it was destroying my life in every way, but I could love myself enough to get away. It still makes me sad, but I have no regrets. The anxiety and depression I developed is almost completely gone and I am happier than I have been in years. It was an absolute last resort and I don’t recommend it to anyone unless it becomes your only choice, but it was the hardest and most loving thing I have ever done for myself. I grieve the loss of what I dreamed the relationship could be, but accept that it was not my reality and never could be. I cannot believe it took me until I was twenty-nine years old to figure out how this person was controlling, gas-lighting, manipulating, and scapegoating me. That they were the cause of my anxiety, depression, and that they were destroying my career, marriage, relationships, health, and my life. They were sabotaging my entire life. -Chipping away at my self-worth and self-esteem. If you’ve done everything in your power to mend a toxic relationship only to be blamed, abused, or even smeared to others; learn to respect yourself enough to say “no more.” This was the hardest and most valuable lesson I learned in my twenties.

Fifteen. Sometimes it is ok to quit. I was told to never give up or quit on something like a tough job or a project or even a dull book, but there comes a time when continuing forward only takes away from your well being or happiness and hurts you more than helps you. I have had to unlearn a lot of “helpful” advice that I learned as a child.

Sixteen. “Purity” and “virginity” is a myth invented by controlling old white men. You are a whole person and your value is not determined by this myth. In fact, I’m just going to go out and say it; your sexual satisfaction matters. I was raised with the good old fashioned “Catholic guilt” for this one and I learned pretty fast after getting into a wonderful relationship what a complete lie it all is; made to control and even abuse women (and even men) and shame people for something that is actually natural, beautiful, and important. Great sex is important for your health, for your well being, and for your relationship. I do believe until waiting for adulthood to get into the arena, but slut shaming has no weight on your value. Sex is always your choice and no one else’s, so never let anyone pressure you either way. If someone shames you that is their hangup, not your reality.

Seventeen. Live together before committing to a whole lifetime together. Over 70% of all relationships break up after the first six months of living together. Wouldn’t that suck if you don’t believe in divorce? Matthew and I lived together for six years before we were married and the six month mark was actually our most difficult. We almost called it quits exactly six months after moving in together! We had a lot to learn about respecting each other and ourselves and what it takes to create a happy and healthy home life.

Eighteen. Your first relationship might not be your only relationship, nor should you put that pressure on it to be. I know that sounds strange coming from me because Matthew was my first (and only) serious relationship, but aside from us, I only know a small handful of couples who are happy with their first loves. I did date several times before him and I can’t imagine what a nightmare it would have been to be stuck with one of those frogs for the rest of my life if I had put that kind of end game on those dud relationships. I never put the pressure on it because I wanted to see it without the blindfold of the future. I wanted to make sure I was in a strong and healthy relationship without risking falling into an abusive one. If you put that pressure on your first relationship from the beginning, you could doom it, put too much pressure on your partner to be Mr. Right, blind yourself to some serious red flags, or cheat yourself out of a happily ever after with the person you’re really meant to be with down the line. Just be honest with yourself and let go of the pressure when you’re dating someone new. See where it goes and know that you’re not stuck if it doesn’t work out.

Nineteen. In your twenties your brain is going through it’s second biggest growth spurt as your frontal cortex fully develops. This is the part of your brain that determines your personality and your ability to problem solve and make good decisions. Not always a rule, but sometimes it is best to wait on permanent decisions until this growth is complete; tattoos, setting down roots in one place, marriage, kids, etc. I’m so glad I did because I have grown and changed so much in my twenties.

Twenty. Your grade point average is never looked at after high school or college is over. I put myself down every time I didn’t score well, but besides getting you through school, it never makes it’s way onto a resume and does not matter at all in the post-school world. Perfectionism is a waste of energy and happiness when it comes to grades (as it is detrimental to most things). Don’t put yourself through unnecessary stress; just do your best. I wish I knew this earlier because I put myself through a lot to have that high GPA and it wasn’t worth it in the end.

Twenty-one. Live on your own timeline; life is not a race. Just because your friends are getting married, having kids, going to grad school, or buying houses does not mean that those choices are the best choice for you for now (or ever). Everyone is different. Do you.

Twenty-two. That crazy idea you’ve always wanted to do? Well, do it. Don’t let anyone stop you from chasing your own vision or happiness. It is your responsibility to have fun and happiness in your life. You have to chase it because it doesn’t just fall on your lap.

Twenty-three. Daydreamers aren’t wasting their time; they’re going to turn that vision into reality. If you can’t dream it, you can’t be it. People made fun of me for dreaming about travel, but I’ve traveled well. They put me down for dreaming up my business, and aside form Covid-19, it is growing rapidly. I said I dreamed of taking epic wedding photos in Paris and now every time I walk through our front door there is a portrait of us in front of the Eiffel Tower framed on our wall. My next dream is moving to France. Dreams come true if you dream them in the first place.

Twenty-four. Life is too short to work full-time. Seriously, make enough and save enough to take care of yourself and your needs. -But don’t waste the extra hours of your day doing things you do not love. Live with enough so that you can afford a lifestyle that gives you more time to spend with your friends and family, travel, to pursue your dreams, and do things that you love.

Twenty-five. Travel is the best teacher and you don’t need wealth to do it. You will learn so much from other people and cultures. You don’t have to travel to fancy resorts or travel often to travel well. Get in your car and drive. Find a cheap plane ticket. Ride the bus. Take a train. Backpack. Camp. Use Airbnb. Sleep in your car. Just get out there.

Twenty-six. Make friends with people who are different from you. Diversity in your relationships makes you a more empathetic and well-rounded person plus you will meet people who will forever change your life. Friendships are so important.

Twenty-seven. Sugar is evil and it will kill you. Meat can also kill you. I’m not telling you to become vegan or a vegetarian (I’m not, although I wish I were sometimes), but eating a mostly plant-based diet will make you beautiful, help you live longer, and prevent and reverse disease, especially cancer. It also helps your mental health. Heart disease is a leading killer among women and it starts as early as your toddler years and compounds as you get older! But knowing this in your twenties and thirties can help you reverse it all together. Now is the time to take control of your health for the present and the future.

Twenty-eight. It is your responsibility to lead a life that is more ethical than the society you are living in. That means racism, sexism, ableism, etc. is your responsibility. When you see something wrong you must be the one to speak up because you cannot count on others to do it for you and you must protect those around you. Even when it is hard. Even when the people you love are the ones being hurtful or wrong. It also means that you have to care enough about politics (as awful as they are right now) to vote and actively fight evil and wrongdoing in our society. It isn’t fun. It feels disheartening and defeating. But activism does create lasting change; it always has, even if it takes a long time to get there. You have to care, even when it hurts. It’s not always easy doing the right thing. Sometimes evil wins, but we can stop it with love and by not giving up.

Twenty-nine. Kindness is not a weakness, it is a super power. People might try to attack you more if you are kind. they might put you down or take advantage. They might call you fake. To be kind, you also must be kind to yourself and keep firm boundaries. That is true kindness.

Thirty. You are the one that is in control of your life; not your past, not your family, not your partner, not your job. You. Everything you experience; good or bad, is a result of a choice you made and you have more choices that can change the outcome. It’s all up to you.