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I was sitting in the window of the ferry as the boat began to take off from the dock. The door was shut and the engine began to move. Two young women came running up the ramp, a few seconds too late to board. I don’t know their circumstances. They could have been stuck in traffic or had a difficult time finding a parking spot. But regardless, they missed the ferry and would have to wait for another one, perhaps too late to make it to the island for a day trip. You could see the disappointment on their faces as someone on the dock directed them back towards the ticket stand. Perhaps they were meeting up with some friends on the island or planning a relaxing beach day for just the two of them, but now they might not make it out that day. Here I was on the ferry getting ready for an amazing day ahead and these two young women were feeling the opposite just now. I felt bad, but a man a couple years younger than myself was pointing and laughing at them a few seats down.
He was jeering at them and even calling them “stupid” for missing the ferry. “That’s what you get for being late, suckers,” he hooted out, getting his friends to join in. While I felt a ping of empathy for these two girls, this group of adults certainly did not. In fact, they got a kick of pleasure at watching the unhappiness of others.
You don’t have to watch the news to see that there is an empathy problem going around, or rather, a lack of empathy problem. It isn’t just evident in our politics and in the fight for human rights. You can see it in casual interactions throughout our days no matter where you are. Someone will be driving the speed limit and some speed demon is attempting to intimidate them on the backroads nearly running them off the roads. People on highways race in and out of traffic, casually risking the lives of everyone else on the road without even sparing anyone else a second thought. People rudely dismiss workers at the cash register at the grocery store or snark at a waitress for things beyond her control. These little incidents cause domino reactions within our own lives and emotions. People who feel bad make other people feel bad and the trend continues.
I even saw a post on Instagram recently where someone wrote that empathy is not a good thing and that we should limit our empathy. Now, empathy isn’t about suffering or taking on the suffering of others. That isn’t empathy. Empathy is having the emotional intelligence to understand how someone else feels, even if that person is very different from ourselves or in a situation we have no experience in, and being able to understand how they must be feeling. It is an ability that allows us to choose our reactions instead of letting our reactions become impulsive and choose us. It goes beyond compassion by being able to understand someone else’s perspective on an emotional level. The only time it could be bad is when it is used against you to manipulate or guilt you into doing something when your intuition is saying it doesn’t feel right.
As for feeling empathy for the two young women at the ferry dock, that man and his friends could have really used that moment to grow as better human beings instead of making themselves look like jerks in front of everyone else in the ferry. It may not sound like such a big deal, but their lack of emotional intelligence is more than just a moment of making fun of someone else’s misfortune. The kids watching saw how these adults treated these other people for missing the ferry. It impacted the collective mood of everyone else on the ferry. And as for that guy, that is the same kind of attitude that breeds the kind of selfishness that destroys relationship and can truly hurt people. That is the kind of lack of empathy that erodes a person’s ability to be supportive and kind to the people who love them. If someone can mock a stranger in public that way, imagine what they’re capable of in the privacy of their own homes with the people who have the misfortune of living with them. That could be a sibling, a partner, or even their own child.
Empathy is taught and learned, just as the lack of empathy is. Imagine a world where people caused less harm to others. Imagine if he had just kept his mean thoughts to himself or even said out loud, “Oh, that sucks that they missed the ferry. It would feel awful,” and how that thought could impact those around him in collective empathy rather than getting others to join in on his moment of meanness. This can be done, especially if we first start with ourselves and our communities. There are ways we can grow our empathy muscles.
Here are just a few ways to grow your own empathy:
When interacting with others, be self aware of your emotional and verbal responses to the people round you. Are you a source os support and kindness, or do you make others feel bad by judging them, looking down on them, or making fun of them in some way? Play coach to yourself. You may have to examine your own biases and be critical of the environment and people you surround yourself with.
Read more fiction or memoirs. And not just stories that are familiar to you, read about characters and people who are much different than yourself. Reading is an incredible way to see other perspectives and understand the hardships, struggles, and triumphs of others. Those who read fiction frequently often have stronger empathy abilities than those who do not.
Take on a new challenge. If you do something that is challenging to you that can also encourage personal growth, it is also eye opening for recognizing what others go through when facing a challenge.
If you see something, maybe you should say something? This is not always the case or a possibility. I didn’t say anything. Being all alone at the time (Matthew was at another part of the ferry) I didn’t feel confident speaking up to a bully and his gang. The ferry had just taken off and I was stuck next to them for the next hour and a half. If the situation had been different and the person he was directing his cruelty at was there, I would have stood up for them and said something to intervene. Speaking out isn’t always feasible. But when it is, know that you are doing the right thing by standing up even if it feels intimidating. There are also situations where the person being mocked is not there, but someone else is listening and it impacts them too. You never know who else may benefit from your saying something.
And a final note on empathy; know that it is a strength, not a weakness nor a tool of suffering. Empathy truly is a super power and the good news is that we all have it and we can all grow it an encourage empathy within ourselves and others. I hope you have a lovely day.
