Understanding Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, also known as Complex-PTSD or C-PTSD, is similar to PTSD in many ways, but it’s causes, treatment, and impact differs. It has not been understood until fairly recently so there is still much to learn about the disorder. Most of us know that PTSD is an anxiety disorder caused by a major trauma or even a few such as experiencing a terrible accident, nearly dying, experiencing combat in war, seeing someone die, being the victim of an attack, or even terrorism. Complex PTSD on the other hand is caused by a series of continuously repeated smaller, but just as harmful, traumas over a period of months or years such as child abuse, emotional or verbal abuse, gaslighting, having an alcoholic parent, neglect, or domestic abuse to name just a few.

I wanted to make this post for anyone who wonders if the anxiety they are feeling may be something more. I also want you to feel less alone. I am not a doctor, medical professional, or psychologist, however, I have had my share of traumas and I have found that the stories of others have helped me in more ways than I can say. By reading and hearing about the experiences of others who have felt pain like mine or experienced traumas similar to my own has helped me to identify the causes of my anxiety and depression as well as how to prevent and treat it. It is my hope that by opening up with my readers that my experiences may help someone else. If you believe that you may be suffering from anxiety, PTSD, or C-PTSD, please seek the help of a professional therapist who specializes in trauma.

What are the symptoms?

Symptoms of CPTSD usually include most PTSD symptoms as well as a few others. Symptoms of PTSD include hyperarousal (constantly on high alert, feelings of anxiety, or jitters), relieving traumatic experiences (flashbacks and nightmares), symptoms of illness that are actually caused by anxiety (nausea, dizziness, panic attacks, etc.), avoiding certain places or people, and changing your belief about yourself or others (like loss of trust). CPTSD includes many or even all of these symptoms including additional symptoms such as isolating yourself from others, lack of emotional regulation, negative self-perception including guilt and shame, a distorted view of the abuser, anxiety attacks, a sense of hopelessness or even loss of meaning (religious beliefs), trouble sleeping or eating, and developing maladaptive coping mechanism (coping strategies that are more harmful to you than helpful).

What causes C-PTSD?

How CPTSD develops is not completely known, but what is known is that it is developed from trauma caused over long periods of time. It is also known that people who were abused by a caregiver, protector, or someone very close to them are more likely to be effected. These kinds of symptoms also develop in people in toxic and unhealthy romantic relationships as well. Domestic abuse is a big factor in many of these cases. Where PTSD usually develops after a traumatic event, CPTSD typically develops from the traumatic event of abuse. We understand that abuse in any of its forms leaves its mark, but CPTSD is an isolating condition because it is rarely diagnosed.

My Experience:

Understanding what I experienced, what I am feeling, and the harm it has and is causing me has allowed me to seek help. Before the pandemic I was seeing a therapist regularly to help me overcome the conditioning from my past and to seek healing for myself. I had an abusive childhood. My parents are alcoholics and they divorced when I was young, which was a good thing in many ways. Unfortunately, my mother’s drinking increased and she brought an abusive man into our home. Growing up with that toxic stress and sense of fear did have a lasting impact. I am a highly private person, but I do want to do my best to share some of the experiences that shaped me because I know that so many people have experienced a similar thing. Our household was violent, verbally and often physically on a daily basis. In order to survive, I learned to walk on eggshells and did everything in my power not to provoke a confrontation, although they often happened despite my efforts. Little infractions such as dressing the “wrong way,” using too much soap, outgrowing my winter coat and needing a new one, reading too much, having a nightlight on when I was little, or having a “bad look” on my face was enough to spark an attack. Obviously, I know now and in many ways I also knew then that these were not infractions at all. But when you are a child and you have no choice in where you live and who your family is, you learn to take up as little space as possible to survive.

In may ways I was the adult in the family, taking care of my parent and also navigating violence, neglect, and abuse. Sometimes I would go several days without three meals a day or weeks without lunch. I called the police when I had to, prevented suicide attempts, and looked after my younger sibling at home. During college I was often homeless during summer and winter breaks, couch surfing with different family members and friends. As much as I thought I was “over it” or “past it” when I went to college and then graduated, these experienced shaped me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. they primed me for more abuse as an adult. Thankfully, I got into a very healthy and safe relationship with my husband, who was my boyfriend during my early adulthood, but I was primed for bad relationships in other ways.

I fell victim to narcissistic abuse from a covert narcissist. My desperation for a loving parent and my sadness over missing out on a healthy family structure primed me as an easy target for someone who I once thought of as a mentor and mother figure. I missed the red flags over the years because my experiences growing up were so bad that these smaller warning signs didn’t even register on my radar. I was easily manipulated, shamed, gaslighted, and then scapegoated all without realizing how bad it was getting until it was too late and she had already convinced everyone that she was the victim and that I was the one that had hurt her. This person always said that she was like a parent to me, thought of me as her daughter, was always there for me, etc. but her actions were the opposite and on numerous occasions would punish me by saying I was not a daughter to her when she played mom to me in front of her guests just shortly before. I would be ignored for months at a time, constantly pushed aside then shamed for guilted for being too much when I would ask if she wanted to meet up for a family dinner or lunch on occasion, I would be ignored for months in a row, then gaslighted about it by being told that I was being too sensitive or that hadn’t happened at all. I wouldn’t hear back from her for weeks and then when I would be doing something out with friends my phone would blow up with negative messages about me because I was having good experiences with other people. When she said something extremely hurtful she would later say that it never happened when I would try to talk about my feelings. “I would never say something like that. I had no idea you really thought that poorly of me. You’re very confused.”

Then the texts and voicemails started. Every time something good happened in my life I would have messages shaming me for not being there for her and another family member. And I mean every time. Every holiday, every time my business reached a new milestone, every dinner out with friends that she found out about, and worse; every event leading up to my wedding. She sabotaged my happiness and shared shocking information about family members (most of it untrue and I later found out is a key tool of the narcissist in order to gain shock value) to ruin my happiness at not just my engagement party, but also my bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, and even before leaving for my honeymoon. When bad things happened, she just as swiftly made me feel worse. When my cat died in my arms and I called her for support she shamed me for crying. She made me feel equally as bad when I was planning my nana’s funeral. But to everyone else, she projected an image of kindness and as martyr, soaking up praise when friends and acquaintances praised her for all that she has done for me and how hard it has been on her. To the rest of the world she was a highly educated and selfless person taking on a selfless profession and constantly volunteering within the community and posting about it online, but it was all a mask to hide how selfish and emotionally abusive she truly is.

I convinced myself that it wasn’t her fault, that she was right about me being too sensitive. That she was just going through a hard time so I would give her the benefit of the doubt. She apologized, so she must be sorry and it won’t happen again. Her texts became aggressive and cruel, so much so that they brought me to tears. It got to the point where I started developing panic attacks every time I saw her name pop up on my phone screen. I was scraping at crumbs, then made to feel guilty for trying to fix things and change myself to make her happy. It felty like my life was dedicated to keeping her happy with me, constantly putting her first. It became all consuming; a cycle of doing my best, then being told I’m not doing enough, then being told I’m doing too much and they need space, to then being told I was yet again not doing enough. I was constantly told that I had no empathy, that I was selfish, and that I was the reason for another family member’s mental health and drug addiction, when the opposite was true.

I started realizing that things were not at all right when my husband would witness events and tell me that he felt I was being treated wrong. “She should never have said that to you.” But she said that never happened. She said I must have “misunderstood” or that I was “confused.” “No, she definitely said that,” he would confirm. All of a sudden I had confirmation that I was not going crazy or being too sensitive. I was being poorly mistreated, then gaslighted about it. “Do you know what gaslighting is?” My therapist asked me one day after sharing one of her voicemails. I started to understand. By the time I started building up some boundaries, getting therapy for myself, and taking better care of myself, the smear campaign started. Severe lies about my character to our mutual friends and family. It started with playing the victim to something I had not actually done or telling people that she was “worried” or “concerned” about my mental health. Then the lies grew into horrific things happening or that I had “let happen.” One lie was that I had a drinking problem, which is absurd because I do not regularly drink nor have I ever been drunk. She also lied about my treatment towards other family members and would triangulate relationships I had with mutual people. It damaged cherished relationships. I knew that I had tried everything to “fix” the relationship, but this person’s personality disorder was not something I could fix or change.

By this time, after knowing this person since childhood and developing a close bond (more like a trauma bond) over the past several years, I had to go no contact to save my health. I first tried to create boundaries, but they were all ignored and she ramped up her harassment as a response. It was an absolute last resort that I struggled with for months. But once I had tried to get some space to think things though her final smear campaign left me no other choice. I knew that it would severely hurt other relationships in my life and I grieved (and am still grieving) the loss of the relationships I wish I could have. It left me estranged from another mutual family member that was devastating at first. It felt like I was waking up in a. horror movie every morning. But I do not regret my choice. At this point, after years of this constant struggle and mistreatment, I had developed what I have come to learn are CPTSD symptoms. Even when I did not hear from her for weeks I would be worried that another accusing or cruel text would come.Never once was I contacted just to say hello or to see how I was doing, like in a healthy family relationship and my attempts at those types of communications were often put down.

I would feel like myself again only to be crushed down the next time she contacted me. My therapist helped me realize that over the past several years the only time she had ever reached out to me was to tell me off for infractions that were in no way my fault. That is was destroying my marriage, my friendships, my health, my wellbeing, my business, and my self-esteem. I was giving up everything I loved about my life and myself to please this person and even worse, I was diminishing who I am. She was constantly embarrassed or ashamed by me for my career, my blog, my appearance, and even my husband’s hobbies. Our relationship started when I was at a low point and needed her support and guidance, but as soon as I was beginning to thrive, the relationship no longer benefited her the way she needed.

I was constantly on high alert and jittery. I had nightmares and would have flashbacks of traumatic experiences with this person, such as a holiday celebration where she gave me the most intense dressing down in front of our family that I have ever experienced. Her words were scathing and meant to harm. I would relive the cruel things she said about me and internalize it. Her cruelty haunted me for months. I had trouble sleeping and eating and I developed panic attacks, sometimes for no reason. I felt like I could not concentrate, I could not work, and I struggled to get out of bed in the morning. I started loosing my hair and bald spots formed at my temples and at the back of my head. I stopped doing things that I loved such as photography and blogging because I feared I would be shamed or punished for it. The stress caused other health problems and I even lost my monthly cycle. I went from thinking I was a decent person to believing that I was selfish, had no empathy, and was never good enough, despite how much work I was constantly doing to try and win her approval and show how much I cared. The anxiety was debilitating. My self-esteem and self-worth was non existent. I isolated myself from everyone and my relationship with my husband suffered because her abuse started extending to him as well. I wasn’t able to be myself and kept myself small for fear of her finding out I was happy in any way in case it would spark another phone call or series of abusive messages. I actually feared being happy and felt constant guilt when I did find happiness.

I was not coping well to the point where I experienced adrenal fatigue because my fight-or-flight response had been triggered non-stop for so long. I had severe anxiety and depression. I was no longer myself. This is just a small part of my experience. There was so much more that happened that I do not feel ready to share and I don’t want to give out too much personal information, but I now understand what covert narcissism is and that my experience is not unique when it comes to narcissistic abuse or emotional abuse. I was an easy target because my childhood experiences primed me into the perfect narcissistic supply for this person. I will definitely make more posts about narcissism and narcissistic abuse at a later time. If you’re looking for more information, Dr. Ramani on Youtube has valuable resources that have helped me in my healing journey and have already helped a friend of mine suffering from a similar ordeal.

Several months of therapy, no contact with my abuser, and putting in so much work into self-care and my self-esteem, has helped me to heal. I still have far to go, but I have come a long way this year. I am not a victim, although I was mistreated. I understand that in my abuser’s mind and in the narrative they share with others that I am painted the villain and they are acting the victim. She is a master manipulator and practiced actress, but now I waste little time thinking about what she or others may think of me. Because I won my truth. My feelings are valid, but I am also learned how to accept them and to overcome. The last thing I want is to remain a victim and I feel that by sharing my experiences I am owning my own past and my own story. You too can become the hero of your own story. I didn’t think I would ever feel better. I know I have much work to put in, I still suffer setbacks from time to time, especially if I am triggered by hearing about something this person has done to hurt someone else. Some days are hard, but my anxiety is nearly completely gone. It was once at a point where I believed I would never feel better, that I would be in pain for the rest of my life. I would like to share some of the things that have helped me to heal from the effects of the emotional abuse I had suffered.

How To Heal:

For one, learning about yourself is a good place to start. Understand what you have experienced, seek the help of a professional that can point out what was wrong in the situation and how it happened. Know that it was not your fault. I feel that the most important way to begin the healing journey is to find a therapist that you trust, that truly understands emotional abuse and trauma, and can help you realize that you are a good person deserving of being treated with kindness. If you believe that you are experiencing PTSD, C-PTSD, or even just anxiety in general, please seek the help of a professional therapist. Anxiety does not get better on its own, it only gets worse until it is treated.

Researching your symptoms and the causes as well as your experiences helps you to identify what has happened to you. Whether you were in an accident and have felt anxious ever since or if you’ve been in a toxic romantic relationship or faced abuse as a child, you can find similar stories online. Reading the experiences of others who have suffered a similar experience can make you feel less alone, help you understand what happened or even why, and can give you the tools to heal.

Remove yourself from the toxic person or situation. It doesn’t have to be permanent like in my case. You can take a small break, go low contact, or seek help escaping an abusive relationship. Healing can only happen when you get the space you need to create boundaries or remove yourself from the toxic situation altogether.

Learn acceptance and self compassion. What happened to you was not your fault. But ruminating over it or holding on to “what ifs” or “I wish I had been different” is only hurting you further by clinging onto a past that cannot be changed. You are not responsible for the events that took place or for the other person, but you are responsible for you. Learn acceptance for the past and compassion for yourself so that you can move forward instead of being stuck in your pain.

I would never tell anyone to take medication for symptoms, nor would I try to talk someone out of it. This decision rests completely with you while being advised by a professional. No matter what, the choice is yours alone to make. For me, my symptoms became so unmanageable that I feared I would have to take medication. Instead, I treated myself with a strict healthy diet, daily meditation twice a day, time out in nature, yoga, therapy, mental health days, exercise, and even supplements. I found that L-theanine, a natural amino acid found in green tea has also helped to create a feeling of calm when I am overwhelmed. Medication alone will not work if you do not put in the work to also take better care of yourself. Regardless of your decision, proper self-care is essential. Get plenty of rest, drink water, eat health, and exercise and things will begin to shift into place. Essentially, by taking care of your body and mind, you can heal yourself from the inside out.

Rebuild your self esteem and self value by doing things that bring you joy and that you are good at. Doing things that you love and succeed at creates confidence.

Quiet your devaluing inn-voice. That voice that tells you that you are “too much” of something or “not enough,” is wrong. It has been placed inside of you by your abuser and you will need to learn how to quiet that inner critic. Chances are, you have been criticized so much that you now criticize yourself. Break that cycle by paying attention to the way you talk to yourself and stopping bad thoughts when you recognize them. Instead, replace your self-talk with compassionate self-talk. “I am worthy. I am kind. I deserve to be treated with kindness. I am more than my weight/grades/finances/trauma/etc. In this moment, I am safe.”

Own your story. Share your experience with people you trust, talk to a good friend, become more open and fear less about the repercussions. By owning your story you take control of the next chapter and your life. Do not let your experiences or your abuser remain in control of your life by keeping you quietly living in shame. They do not own you, they do not control you, they have no power over you.

Be yourself and love yourself. Chances are, you held yourself back for a long time due to what you have suffered. Perhaps you have quieted your voice or have forgotten who you are. Take ownership of yourself, chase your dreams, and thrive. Thriving is the best for of revenge.

And as always, please seek professional help when you need it. You are brave, you are worthy, you are important.

Thank you for being here today. I wish you all the best in your healing journey.