.jpg)
Last spring I thought it was all behind me. I was walking away from my anxiety and depression. I was sitting in my living room when I had the realization that I felt very content and that I had actually felt pretty good about myself for quiet a while. Before that, I thought that I was destined to live a melancholy life full of more downs than ups and chronic grief and sadness.
I had been working for a few years on my mental and physical health; working with a therapist, spending time in nature, meditating, eating healthy, cultivating positive relationships, working out, working on my career and personal goals, taking supplements for my mental health, and practicing gratitude just to name a few. I had not felt that good since college. My childhood and teen years were spent in survival mode and in college I had the security and safety to pursue personal interests as well as my education. After college I really struggled trying to keep myself afloat financially, living in places where I did not feel safe, and navigating a toxic and abusive family as an adult.
I entered my thirties with more direction and better boundaries and understanding of my own experience. I thought I had also developed more resilience. But then the clocks moved forward and we lost daylight. Suddenly I was without my after work walks outdoors. Less light had an impact and less time in nature and exercise did too. Then there were some personal fallbacks and failures and everything at work seemed to be going wrong. The negative self talk started up again telling me that I was a failure, that I am behind my peers, that I am not doing enough, that I am not enough, that I’m not very likeable and that I’ll be safer if I was alone. “You will never have what you want. You do not deserve it.”
And in that moment I also realized that healing is not a linear journey. I remembered times I felt bad and thought I would always feel bad, but then I remembered that those days had passed. I have survived hard things. When you have struggled with your mental health in the past, it too can come back in cycles, just like every other season in our life. Healing is not always permeant, but neither is the pain. I found more pieces I needed to pick up.
I had to focus on my gut health again, eating right and calming my nervous system. I had to focus on my mental health again, meditating every morning, taking supplements to aid with stress, getting more exercise, and going for morning walks even when it is freezing outside. I let my body rest and slept in when I needed it the most.
When you have faced anxiety or depression before, those pathways are so etched into the wiring of our brains that tiny setbacks can flair those old neuropathways back to life. The longer we can go between downfalls the more resilient we can become, but truly what is necessary is to have compassion for ourselves. Life doesn’t always work out the way we want or need it to. We need to have compassion with ourselves and be able to sit with the present, even when it is hard.
I have found that I have a lot more pieces of myself to pick up off the ground.
This time around I am being kinder to myself. I take moments throughout my day to breath in deep and I reach out to friends and my husband when the load is too much for me to carry on my own. I am so fortunate to have such incredibly loving and kind people in my life. You have someone who loves you too. This time around I focus more on the gratitude and I also recognize that it is ok to be sad.
I am sad right now. I am not where I want to be. I am not happy with myself. But I also know that this moment is not permeant. Just as joy is not permeant, neither is hardship. I am going to be ok.
If you are not feeling your best, it could be the winter blues. Or perhaps it is the winter blues with several difficult events poured on top, just as I am experienceing. However, I know that it is not forever. I remember how much has changed since college. Those days in my dorm felt like my whole life. I lived there in those dorms, went to class in the college, and lived my life on campus. So much has changed since then. Six apartments later and several jobs later, each of those places was once my home and once my life. But I am here now. And this too is not where I will be forever.
I hope that if you are struggling today that you know you are not alone and that you will not always feel this way. It is ok to find new pieces to pick up. You are slowly building yourself back to being hole. That journey looks different for everyone. If you are truly struggling, please seek the help of a loved one or a professional. You are wroth it.
