When You Reach “Enough”

I was folding some laundry and picking out my outfit for the next day when it dawned on me that I really do have enough. In fact, I have more than enough. As someone who grew up with very little and struggled financially through most of my twenties, I didn’t have extra money to spend on clothes. There were years where I didn’t buy anything at all or have enough work wear or warm clothes for the long winter months. I got by with less than the necessities. But over the past couple years I have been able to afford new clothes and fill in the gaps in my wardrobe. I’m very grateful for all that I have experienced and all that I have. But that feeling that I “need” to stock up (especially on warm clothes like sweaters, gloves, and jackets) has persisted nevertheless. As someone who does my best to live a simpler lifestyle that is more sustainable and less about consumerism, it surprised me to discover that I didn’t just have enough, I have excess.

As a child I had much less. Most of my clothes were hand-me-downs from numerous cousins or even my childhood friends. My brother and I were given donations from children’s charities at Christmas s every year. One of my friend’s mothers would come by about once or twice a year with a big bag of hand-me-downs for my mom for my brother and myself. Her two children were the same age as us. I was extremely small for my age so the clothing never really fit, but I was also so grateful. It never once crossed my mind to feel embarrassed or badly about it, nor should it have. By my teens I was really wanting to be able to pick out and express myself with clothes of my own. I wanted clothes that actually fit. I shopped a little bit with some birthday and babysitting money.

Growing up in an abusive household, I was also shamed by my mother for outgrowing my old clothes and being too “needy.” At the time I felt extreme guilt for being too “expensive” for my mother, although I now understand that it was not my fault at all nor should I have been guilted for needing basic necessities that parents should provide. For three years I didn’t even have a winter coat because I outgrew mine and my mother didn’t want to spend the money. My mom would send me out without winter clothes for winter outings hoping that the people I was going out with would buy me nice clothes instead. One woman bought me a set of gloves, hat, and a scarf because she was embarrassed to be seen out with me when she was dressed so nicely. It never really crossed my mind to feel ashamed about my clothes, but of course that doesn’t stop kids from being mean in school, especially if you can’t afford the “cool” clothes like everyone else.

When I needed winter boots for all the New England snow and outdoor play I was yelled at profusely by my mom’s boyfriend for asking for a new pair. So I was given a pair that was several sizes too large and told that I would “grow into them.” I never did grow into them so I stuffed them with extra socks and newspapers. It was a miserable few years of New England winters. I didn’t even have warm sweaters, just a couple of hoodies. When I was sixteen my father realized what was going on (it was so “normal” that it never crossed my mind to complain and I was often guilted and gaslighted into believing it was my fault) and took me to the Burlington Coat Factory. I picked out a super warm long thick black wool blend coat with a hood that reminded me of the elves from the Lord of the Rings. I still have it, even though my husband insists it makes me look like a grandma.

I had no idea just how profound an impact this past would have on the way that I shop and who I am. In my early twenties I felt guilt for spending any kind of money, but especially on clothes. I don’t feel guilty for buying clothes anymore and it took years to shake the guilt, but I do often consider the impact it will have on the environment and how much things cost. I never wanted to spend much. It was not until recently that I started investing more in higher quality items that will last much longer. I also have always shopped with intention. Buying cheaply was in my nature, but it also went against my standards for the environment and ethics involving fast fashion brands. Everything I purchase is something I absolutely adore and plan to wear for many years to come. I also like to “dress up” and feel good about myself by expression myself through styles, colors, and patterns. These are all good things of course, but I have also picked up some bad habits. The most impactful is the feeling that I do not have enough. With my clothes these days I like to dress smartly. I want to feel creative and beautiful. I want to flatter my figure and wear clothes that truly fit me. For me, clothing is an expression of who I am and who I want to be. I feel more confident when I am put together.

Over the past several years I have been  filling in the gaps in my wardrobe where I find them. I take stock every season of what I am lacking and add a few items to my ongoing list. I consider it a way of taking care of myself. In the past some of those items have been things like long underwear for the winter months, sweaters, thick winter socks, work pants, bathing suits, a pair of snow pants, blazers, and jeans. Now I do not have every type of clothing under the sun, but I do have enough of what I need. Yet this feeling persists. I have found myself with a sweater addiction. Not the worst thing to be addicted to of course, but not exactly good for my tiny closet space (or lack thereof) and my bank account.

Determining how many clothes is enough or too much I’m sure differs greatly from person to person. I’m sure my overflowing closet is considered very modest for some people. Others might think I’m a pack rat. Some believe that if you have one of everything you need that that is all you really need while others may feel that you need at least a few of each type of clothing item. Depending on what you do or where you live you might not need certain items, but you may need several of another. Depending on how much money you make and what your childhood was like, you may perceive clothing very differently than the people around you. The answer is completely personal, but many of us face a time when we need to realize when enough is enough. For some it is when we can’t fit what we have in our closets, for others it is when we realize we’ve accumulated credit card debt, and for some it is when we’re putting away clothes and we have that “aha” moment that we don’t actually need any more.

With online ads and constant trends being shown not just in classic advertising, but every time I log into my social accounts, buying and consumerism has become more prevalent. It is not just brands and influencers sharing “shopping hauls” and unboxing videos, our friends are now doing it too. I don’t begrudge small businesses and bloggers for doing what they do for a living and I would like to work with more brands myself, but there is a fine line when it becomes an ongoing way of life; consuming, sharing, consuming again without ever appreciating what you have and actually using all that you own. Some of these ads can be useful, especially when you really do need something, but often they distract us from recognizing what we already have. Its is a system designed to keep us feeling satisfied.

These days I am a “minimalist” (or at least partially) by choice, in my young adulthood I was a minimalist by necessity, and as a child I was a minimalist by poverty.

At this time, I am very happy with the clothes that I do own. I have been an intentional shopper for the past few years. But now I have reached the peak. I have all that I need, even if I don’t always have everything that I want. And turning off the consumption button is more difficult than I imagined. Instead of shopping once a year at the start of the school season or even four times a year seasonally, we’re marketing to on a monthly, weekly, and even daily basis with new items and trends constantly being cycled out. It is difficult to avoid altogether and every once in a while it does spark that need inside of me. Perhaps you too can relate.

Now that I have reached this point I want to scale back. I have achieved a full closet that I had set out to achieve. I have a couple outfits that I can wear while photographing weddings, stylish office attire for all four seasons of the year, casual clothes, warm winter shoes and sweaters and jackets, workout attire, date night outfits, and even vacation and weekend clothes. I have more than enough and I am so thankful. Gratitude really is the best cure for the “gimmies” of consumerism. I do my best to practice gratitude every time I get dressed, wash, fold, and put away my clothes. I feel that gratitude is important.

So now that I have reached this occasion of having enough. What then? Turning off the need isn’t always so simple, especially with the way marketing is done so sneakily these days and designed to tap into our psychology to get us to spend more. Gratitude helps, but is not a complete cure. My recommendation is setting up boundaries for yourself. And here they are:

One. Designate seasonal shopping times only. Plan to shop only once each season for seasonal items that you may need or want. You can do this at the start of the season or even wait until end of season sales. The goals is to keep shopping to four times a year  instead of making it a frequent, monthly, or even weekly event.

Two. Stop browsing online or in person shops when you’re not doing your seasonal shopping. When websites do daily or weekly drops they get us coming back for me. With like buttons and being able to save items to wish lists, they keep us interested and even keep us addicted to shopping on their sites. It’s a dopamine hit every time you add something to your cart and get something in the mail. Breaking a browsing addiction can be difficult. Sometimes we browse out of boredom, depression, or impulse. Replacing this habit with something more constructive can be difficult, but achievable. One idea I do is browsing Pinterest instead. I look at outfits and find ways to style similar looks out of clothes that I already own instead. That way I still feel stylish, but I don’t spend any money.

Three. Find your happy someplace else. If shopping brings you joy and has become addicting in some way, you might find a dose of pleasure every time you get a new item in the mail. Instead, find pleasure in healthier things. You can exchange monthly or weekly letters with a friend  so that you’re still getting mail that makes you happy and brings joy to someone else. You can pick up a new hobby or spend time doing more of something that you already love. You can pick up a new habit like a daily yoga practice.

Four. Practice appreciation for what you already have. You can practice gratitude every time you get dressed, wash your clothes, fold, and put them away. You can also “shop your closet” to mix and match pieces that you already have to create “new” outfits.

Five. Turn off notifications and block ads. If you follow a brand that presses your shopping button, maybe it is time to mute or unfollow, at least for a little while. Mute pages and influencers that trigger your shopping sprees, make you feel bad about yourself, or are all about consumerism. Follow some pages that offer a differing view point such as The Minimalists, Courtney Carver of Be More With Less and Joshua Becker of Becoming Minimalist.

Six. Only replace items when you need to. In other words, you don’t always need to have numerous versions of the same article of clothing. When your essentials wear out over time replace them as needed, but don’t buy in bulk or be repetitive so that you have several sweaters in the same color or dresses that look exactly the same.

Seven. Practice living with enough. Be intentional with what you already have. Do you use everything in your closet? Do you love everything in your closet? Donate what you not longer wear or use so that your closet is only filled with all of your favorite pieces. If it doesn’t make you feel your best it is not worth keeping, unless it is an essential item that you use often. For example, I’m not completely inspired by my jogging outfit, but when the weather gets cold I absolutely wear it all the time.

Eight. Examine why you over-shop. Did a childhood trauma, bullying, or a need to fit in give you hangups that you’re still carrying today? Do you have a shopping addiction or have you been falling victim to too much advertising and low self esteem? Do you shop to feel better about yourself? Discover why you overspend and then create a plan to combat it. Gratitude helps, but sometimes you might need therapy or positive affirmations. In my case, reminding myself every so often that I am safe, I am secure, and I have enough is all it takes to bring me back into the present and understand that I’m not living in the past any more. Positive affirmations give me a sense of control over my life right now.

Thank you for being here today. Please follow me on Instagram @LiveLovelyTravel to see more of my latest posts.