Why Meghan and Harry’s Interview With Oprah Is Essential For Adult Survivors of Toxic Families

Oprah’s interview with Harry and Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, is important for all adult survivors of toxic and abusive families. For people without knowledge of how toxic families operate, this is quite the public spectacle. However, for those with the knowledge of how emotional abuse and narcissism really works, this is a very obvious case of scapegoating and a validating experience for other survivors of this kind of abuse. Adult survivors travel a lonely road when they walk away or get pushed out of abusive families. It is a topic often surrounded with stigma and shame. They have endured years of abuse, scapegoating, and gaslighting. When they leave the toxic family, their reputations are methodically smeared to preserve the public persona of the family unit. It can be a lonely experience, but eventually the victim of that toxic family becomes a survivor and they grow to lead a healthier and happier life.

They’re the ones with true empathy and they break the cycle of abuse. When they have healed they often make the decision to share their side of the story and set the record straight. They have been so badly smeared and now it is their time to tell the truth and to shine. Many therapists consider this the final step in the healing process because it is also about owning your own truth that has been suppressed for so long, a truth that we often diminish ourselves. This is a liberating time. And the story of Meghan and Harry breaking free from “the firm” is the story that all adult survivors of toxic families deserve to hear. It is a story of survival that is so common, yet kept quiet. The Oprah interview is a turning point for this brave couple and if you’ve ever thought it doesn’t matter because they’re celebrities, I’m asking you to think again.

“When they leave the toxic family, their reputations are methodically smeared to preserve the public persona of the family unit.”

Following the royal family is similar to following celebrity culture, and something I was never much into. The truth is that people are just people and someone’s status in the public eye does not make them any less human or worthy of empathy. The far reach of people like Meghan and Harry is what makes the lessons they share so valuable. Their story has now reached millions of people and it will be able to help anyone experiencing a similar situation. It wasn’t until the Monday before my own wedding that I started to consider the importance of Meghan Markle’s journey and what it could mean for thousands of others going through similar ordeals. I left work early that day in a complete mental breakdown because of emotional abuse hurled at me by a close relative. My soon to be husband picked me up right at the office and drove me to his therapist for an emergency appointment. There was another bride facing similar problems from her family immediately before her own wedding day. That bride was Meghan. My therapist quickly drew parallels to my life and that of the new Duchess. He used her experience to explain my own and encouraged me to enjoy my wedding day and put aside the toxic individuals set on destroying it. “Be like Meghan Markle,” He advised.

Photo by Alexi Lubomirski

“The story of Meghan and Harry breaking free from “the firm” is the story that all adult survivors of toxic families deserve to hear.”

I didn’t know much about Meghan Markle at the time, but I quickly learned about her and her struggles and realized that there were many people out there like myself suffering in silence from toxic and abusive families. I also knew nothing of narcissism at the time or the physical and mental impacts it can leave on a victim of narcissistic abuse, but I later learned that her toxic family was riddled with it, as was mine. As the drama within her family exploded around the wedding, Meghan was nothing but graceful and poised, even though she must have been hurting greatly. The royal wedding was a month before ours and of course I did see plenty about it across the news and social media. It was also the first time a professional psychologist had pointed out that the confusion, fear, anxiety, and pain I was enduring was from emotional abuse, particularly that of a narcissistic relative. Using her story as an example helped me to clearly see my own.

Time moved forward in my own life after the wedding. I started to see the cracks in my own toxic family unit and the abuse escalated. The more successful and independent I got, the more they would tighten down through methods of manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse to tear down my self esteem and control my behavior. The more I differed from the status quo, the bigger a threat I was perceived to be and the abuse would escalate. I became the family scapegoat. I spent years trying my best to always fix the situation and apologized for things I never even did wrong. Like most scapegoats, I started developing severe depression and anxiety as the abuse escalated until I returned to that same therapist that I saw before my wedding day. He opened my eyes to the hidden abuse I was receiving.

After trying to create boundaries and a life for myself and having all of my boundaries completely demolished by this abusive group, I made the choice to walk away. There was no salvaging this relationship because the only way to do so was to remain an emotional punching bag. As a result, I was smeared to anyone who would listen. Other relationships in my life cracked and they were pressured to take sides. I felt so alone. The only person to stay by my side was my husband, who often pointed out the unfairness of what I had been facing and stood up for me. Eventually I made the last resort choice to walk away for good. I went no contact. I later learned that it is extremely common for scapegoated family members to grow up, try to “fix” the family rift, and eventually have to walk away or go low contact (often by moving away) to seek a healthier life. This plays out in a majority of narcissistic and toxic families. This is exactly what played out in Meghan and Harry’s life.

Photo by Alexi Lubomirski

In a narcissistic family unit, the public appearance of the family is protected at all costs. When the mask is removed and the truth is revealed, the family will unite together and scapegoat the person who is the truth teller, the person who is usually the most empathetic or different from the family. They do this in order to hide their own problems or to convince others that the real villain is not themselves, but the scapegoat they’re offering up. In this case, they scapegoated Meghan and Harry to hide their own misdeeds under the rug such as William’s affair and Prince Andrew’s rape allegations and pedophilia. Unfortunately, this often works in communities and the public. The family will rally to smear the scapegoat’s reputation in order to hide their own flawed lives. It becomes a successful slander campaign to discredit the victim and distract from their own misdeeds. It is a methodical effort to project their own cruel deeds on another or to create a distraction to preserve themselves and the family. As a result, the scapegoat loses that community, but they also gain their freedom and create a great life for themselves, even if they have to start new somewhere else.

To see people online or even the press accuse Meghan of lying or being a narcissist is very damaging. This public gaslighting is harmful to survivors of emotional abuse. Leading up to the interview the online world was awash with these accusations and even a three year old false bullying claim that was brought up immediately beforehand as a tactic to smear Meghan and discredit her interview. Seeing this play out was difficult for me as a survivor because we see how easily abusive people stick up for the abusers and how the survivor is continuously attacked, even by people who are in no way involved. This very public form of gaslighting is an obvious way to illustrate how quickly people can be turned against others. We see very clearly how toxic families follow this exact pattern time and time again and still continue to get away with it. If Meghan or Harry were actually narcissists, they would not have walked away as they did and they would not be sharing their side of the story now, a year later. That is the sign of a true survivor and I am so happy to see them persevere.

I will never know the trauma that they endured as royals in a very public lifestyle or what it would be like to have my mother killed in a car wreck running from paparazzi. I wouldn’t know what it is like to have that trauma exploited by the media. I wouldn’t know what it is like to have my wedding become a world wide spectacle and have everything I wear or eat scrutinized by the press. I have no experience with racism against me or my child, especially by a family member. I have to way of ever being able to know the pain of having covert and even overt racist attacks against me and my character. I know nothing of what it is like being a black women in the United States let alone the British monarchy. I wouldn’t know the pain of trying to fit into a royal family that was so bent on destroying my public image to preserve their own. I also wouldn’t know what it would be like to have to give up my blog, my independence, my passport, my car keys, and my driver’s license to join a family. But I do know what it is like to be mobbed by in-laws who are so against everything about who I am because it doesn’t fit in with the tribe. I do know how it feels like for my own family unit and my in-laws to consider me a potential threat to their way life. I do know what it is like to be scapegoated by a narcissist and have people I love turned against me to protect the lies of a cruel person. I do know what it is like to have the special moments of my life sabotaged and my accomplishments diminished and scrutinized. I know what it is like to walk on eggshells and do everything in my power to fix the rift only to be dragged into it. I know what it is like to have my character smeared across an entire community. I do know what it is like to be so emotionally abused and manipulated that I didn’t want to live anymore. I do know what it is like to be gaslighted, manipulated, and emotionally abused so badly that the only choice I have left to save my own health, life, and my marriage is to walk away and leave the unit. And I do know the pain and the grief of having to walk away.

Harry and Meghan’s interview with Oprah was their moment to shine the truth and take control of their own narrative, something that all survivors of toxic families deserve. And seeing the positive response far outweigh the negative is what every survivor also deserves to see. Most of all, the story and the bravery that Meghan and Harry had to share their story is an example of thriving after surviving. And that is the best lesson that anyone who has walked away from a toxic family will learn; that they get to speak out and tell their own truths, that they can thrive, and that they can create the life that they want for themselves. The toxic family will always continue as they are, they are incapable of change, but their story doesn’t have to be yours any longer. Like Meghan and Harry, I had to walk away and I was punished dearly, but I also grew and am now living a life better than I have ever imagined, even while my toxic relations continue smearing, lying, and blaming others. Like Meghan, I found the love and support in my life partner and have created my own loving community of friends and family. There is much sadness and grief that comes with that choice, but also so much potential for happiness and wellbeing.

Photo by Misan Harriman

“Harry and Meghan’s interview with Oprah was their moment to shine the truth and take control of their own narrative, something that all survivors of toxic families deserve.”