Word Of The Year

Every year when people ask me what my New Year resolution is, I typically tell them that it is a phrase, rather than a set of goals. In the past it has been phrases such as “try new things.” In 2019 it was “take up space,” although I feel like that should have been broken down into baby steps. I’m not very good about taking up space, but I am still learning. This year I asked myself what I wanted to work on for personal growth. 

Self-esteem. Self-confidence. Self-awareness. Self-compassion. Self-respect. Self-care. Everything I felt that I needed to work on began with the exact same word; “self.” For so long I have put so much energy into dramas that are not my own. I’ve put up with emotional abuse and put downs. I have walked on egg shells for the past few years trying to do my best, but it was never enough. When I’ve tried to put up healthy boundaries they have been completely disrespected. I realized that just because someone is family or you care for them, it does not mean they have a free pass to be emotionally abusive to you. I learned that I’ve allowed a lot of negative energy to effect my wellbeing. That I have let the unhealthy behaviors of others control the projectory of my life. This year I want to shed that old skin and step into a more mentally healthy me. 

Every time I put any sort of energy into living in the moment or working on my own happiness and wellbeing, I have let others bring me down. It was to the point where any time I travelled anywhere or did anything of importance, my phone would blow up with negative texts and harassing voicemails. Every event leading up to my wedding and every trip we have taken since. As a result I developed severe anxiety and depression. Through it all I have realized that I cannot take on the problems of others and it is not my responsibility to make others happy all the time, especially when it is taken advantage of and often discarded in return. I cannot control how others treat me or the lies that they tell, but I can control how I respond and how I treat myself. I cannot fix others or control the choices they make. Creating those healthy boundaries is something I’m still working on. In many ways, I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself. But I’m going to get it back. I am so thankful for my husband for being my all-time supporter. He is the one that really showed me that I deserve better. And most of all, I need to treat myself better as well. 

Perhaps you have felt that way in some time in your life, maybe even at this moment, just like me. My word of the year is “self,” because it is so very important to our wellbeing to respect ourselves, care for ourselves, and be true to ourselves. Caring and loving others shouldn’t mean the sacrifice of ourselves. 2020 is going to be a year of healing my mind and my body from the trauma and anxiety. 

Over the past couple years I have diminished my sense of self because I didn’t want to trigger a negative reaction. I’ve held myself back and I’ve put myself down, in large part in fear over the response of a couple people in my life. I have been afraid to truly thrive because doing so appeared to hurt those I cared about. But if this year taught me anything, it taught me how untrue that statement really is. The people closest to me are the most loving and supportive people and I am so thankful for them. The people that really love me treat me with kindness and want me to be happy. When you thrive, the world does not suffer in response. The more we can all thrive, the better our world will be. And if anyone’s response to you living your healthiest and happiest life is to tell you that it means you don’t care for them, to try to drag you down a peg, that it means you’re selfish, or that it hurts others when you’re healthy; recognize that nonsense for what it is. Those who truly love you want you to thrive too, even when they haven’t gotten there themselves. Anyone who does not want you to do well and be healthy and happy is not good for you. 

Over the past several couple years I have been been consumed with this darker part of my reality. My weight has gone up and down, my appetite had dwindled to the point where I usually eat only one meal a day, and I’ve actually been loosing chunks of hair from stress and lack of nutrition. I’ve been exhausted and my neck and shoulders ache from the knotted muscles. My immune system has suffered and I look tired too. I don’t want to be that person any more. I want to thrive. 

I am laying this out now because I have been in the process of letting it go. I’m not so great at that. But rather than turn my energy outward this year, I will be turning it towards myself with self love, compassion, respect, and care. This is the last time you’ll hear me lay out these old problems as I move forward. I wanted to share them with you today because as we move forward you’ll see picture perfect moments and positive resolutions, which plays into the idea that life is perfect. I’m no longer going to ruminate on what harms me. 2020 is going to be a truly lovely year. You know the phrase, “When it rains, it pours.” My new mantra is going to be, “When it rains, open an umbrella.” Self-love, self-care, and self-compassion is that umbrella. 

2020 is my year of self. Whether you’re going through a rough patch or a rough year, I hope that you too take the time to care for yourself.