Word Of The Year: Presence

My word of the year for 2020 was “self.” Self for self-esteem, self-love, self-care, and self-respect. Instead of a lofty goal I usually choose a word or a phrase that I hope to aspire or build to. In 2020 I really needed that word and I feel that I have struggled with it for the first half of the year and then lived up to it in the second half. I had to make a painful choice to cut out a toxic and emotionally abusive person from my life and my self-esteem, the way I felt about myself, and my hope for the future took a dive. This person was like a mother figure to me in many ways, or at least I had been manipulated and deceived into believing it for most of my life. It took me years to figure out the reason why I always felt bad after being around her, why I never felt good enough, why I was always walking on eggshells around her and why I had developed anxiety was because of her covert manipulation, gaslighting, and discarding when I wasn’t needed. When I went no contact I felt instant relief from the abuse and the emotional blackmail and harassing messages. Every ding on my phone no longer haunted me. I was free. But also sad and grieving.

I struggled with feelings of low self esteem and self worth. I had internalized the criticism and the cruelty and these negative beliefs about myself and who I am. But then I cut off the source and freed myself. And then I healed. It took months to notice the greater good of my decision, but within a few months my anxiety was gone and my depression was lifting. By the second half of the year I felt like myself again and I felt strong. I started really liking who I am again. I started believing in myself again and finding happiness in my hobbies and the world around me. My sense of self returned. All the positive changes in my life this year happened one hundred percent because I had the courage to walk away from an emotionally abusive person and situation. I now feel strongly that I did the best thing I could have done for myself, my health, my mental health, and also my relationships with others. I dread thinking about how I would feel now if I had clung on, constantly begging for forgiveness for things I did not do and serving as narcissistic supply for her manipulative games. I’m not longer stuck in the past, ruminating over cruel words, or wishing for a better future. I’m in the present, or at least, much more so than I have been in years. I feel grounded in the moment and my resilience has been growing. It is my hope that in 2021 the pain of this traumatic experience is no longer a part of my daily life or my present story. That I can shed it like a snakeskin and embrace the here and now.

I would never wish my experience upon anyone, but I am grateful that I learned these lessons now instead of ten or twenty years from now when the damage would have been much worse. I broke free after 23 years of mind games. love bombing, hoovering, and discarding. I don’t rely on what she thinks of me or her acceptance. At times I still notice my mind wandering to past hurts or thinking too much of a future that I always expect will be “better” than where I am right now instead of being present. I know that so many of us do the same. Why is it that painful events and memories have so much more power than all of the good ones? Which is why 2021 is my year of presence. I’m slowly gaining ground on my healing journey from surviving to thriving and I feel that to reach the final step into thriving is through being present in the moment.

As terrible as the pandemic has been, it also gave me a pause to take in the time to work on myself and my healing journey. For three months at the beginning of the year when I was feeling my worst, I didn’t have to go in to work every day because our office closed. I no longer had to run around to family events and weekend weddings. I had all this time I didn’t know what to do with. For the first time in years I didn’t have to hustle for my career because I didn’t have any weddings to photograph or to try to book. It was all on pause and so was I. I’m in many ways grateful to the pause, as hard as it was to accept at the start. In all of this I have learned that I want to be more present. The pandemic has helped me to be more present. Work and events and other obligations could no longer distract me from how I was truly feeling on the inside. My pain had nowhere to hide and I had to confront my past and myself.

When deciding what word or phrase I wanted my 2021 to embody I thought about the feeling of being in the moment, of being present. I thought of how good it feels to wake up in the morning, unplugged from my digital devices, and take in the glory of a new day and a new start. We’re moving to a new apartment in the new year and it is a simpler space in the country. It is my hope that a slightly bigger space means less feelings of confinement and clutter. That it will give me more space for home workouts and creativity. That living closer to nature, woods, lakes, and parks will bring me closer to the present as well and increase my mood, my wellbeing, and gratitude for the simple joys.

I envision a better morning routine full of mindfulness and less time ruminating over past hurts. That is what I hope 2021 will bring. Presence. What is your word or goal for 2021? Tell me in the comments below.