You Can Create A Lovely Life

This blog post is for anyone who had had a hard start in life and has tried to create something better for themselves. My story is not like everyone’s of course and we all have our traumas and experiences that paint who we are. I thought I would share some of my experience as someone who has worked towards creating a lovelier life. I’m still putting in the work.

You can live a lovely life, no matter where you started. Growing up, I was grateful to have a home. I was grateful for so much and I also felt like I was a burden. I felt that way because I was told constantly how expensive I was. Medical bills, going to the dentist, being clothed, school activities and supplies, housed and fed. None of it was excessive, nor was any of it my fault. I didn’t choose to be born or to get sick. I know that now, but back then I felt the guilt of simply existing.

I was raised in an abusive and neglectful home. And while I did have a roof over my head, I never felt safe under it. I felt envious of my friends’ happy families or the characters in my books who found safety. Looking back, I do not think it was a coincidence that my favorite films were A Little Princess, Matilda, or The Secret Garden. I watched them over and over again.

In my twenties, life was hard, but it was mine. I had to let go of toxic relationships and I went to therapy to learn how to set boundaries. I worked hard and struggled financially. Paying rent and buying food felt like a struggle, but it slowly became easier. My husband and I work together on this, and I know it is a privilege to have a partner or someone who can carry the load together. But something I have learned along the way is that happiness can be found in the littlest of things, even during hard times.

In my childhood, I found escapes in books, playing with Barbies or by sitting on the dock behind my aunt’s cottage across the street. I had a vibrant inner world. In college I found joy in learning new things. It was such a privilege itself to go to school. In my twenties, I made the best of where I was and took advantage of free parks, libraries and museums. My husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, and I love to explore. We drove around or took the train on day trips to see local places. In our mid-thirties we do much the same, except we are able to get away for a real vacation every once in a while. We still rent, but each day we hope to get a little bit closer to owning a house. Instead of a studio apartment, we rent a cute cottage with a yard. I’m so grateful.

Gratitude has played a pivotal role in my happiness. It has also helped me find contentment when I have been in dark times. Yet at the same time, I also kept myself small. I realize that all this time in my twenties and early thirties, I was more secure than I felt. Emotionally I was still coming down from the fear of the other shoe dropping. Growing up with that, it doesn’t simply go away when you remove yourself from it. Even today I have to actively remind myself that I’m in a safe place with safe people.

What I’m trying to say in a long-winded way is that you can create a lovely life for yourself. You don’t need to be stuck in where you were or the life you once lived.

At times I find myself falling into old patterns. I introvert a little too hard. I dissociate into my phone or reading. I keep myself small. Yet, every day I break those patterns too.

I wear clothes that make me feel taken care of. I sometimes buy myself too many warm socks or jackets or sweaters. It’s such a privilege to have those things and take care of them and to make them last. Some days I’m reminded that I have free will and can treat myself. I’ll pull over at an ice cream stand for lavender ice cream because I like it. I buy magazines I enjoy reading. I’ll make meals that I love. I do my best to spend my time outside as much as possible because it’s good for me and how lucky I am to have an outdoor space to enjoy. I’ll make time for friends and family or go on a date with my husband. I dream about places I plan to visit or things I want to do or to create and then often I’ll actually follow through with those ideas.

I realize now why I appreciated Miss. Honey so much in Matilda as a kid. I adored the book and the film because Miss. Honey came from an abusive background and still remained good and kind and she created a beautiful life for herself. She made the lives of those around her better. Disney princesses like Cinderella and Belle also created lives that they loved after a life of struggle. From that, I learned that I too could keep perusing my happiness. I could create a safe place for myself in the world.

There are several elements I have found that create a lovely life:

Having boundaries is perhaps the most important one. You can still be kind and protect yourself from toxic situations and people. Being kind to yourself is very important. Instead of bending over backwards for people who treat you badly, put that energy into creating the kind of life you want and deserve. As painful as it is, removing yourself from dangerous people will heal your life, even when it creates sadness.

Follow your joy. When you have boundaries and respect for yourself, you will choose yourself too. In work or play, you will follow your joy. You will not tolerate workplace abuse or toxic work environments. When you see those signs, you will have an exit plan ready and take new opportunities. You will make time for your hobbies and the people and activities that you love. You will learn to put your wellbeing first.

Take care of yourself. Get the sleep you need. Rest when you need to, or simply when you want to. Spend time in nature. Meditate. Go to therapy when your soul feels heavy. Exercise and go for walks. Listen to music. Create. Enjoy a hobby. Laugh. Dance. Eat well. Fuel your body and your soul. Be present.

Create new traditions. For example, holidays were hard for me. Christmas was especially awful. I often felt forced to divide my time hopping to up to five different houses on Christmas to accommodate everyone else and it was still never enough. At the end of the night, I would cry myself to sleep because I was so exhausted and mentally beaten up. I would be told how selfish I was for not doing more when I did everything I could to deplete myself so others would feel satisfied. Now I host Christmas Eve. People can come to me, I won’t be hopping from place to place like a ping pong ball. Everyone is welcome to attend, but I do not split my time travelling to everyone else. I also gatekeep who is welcome into my safe space. Christmas Eve is now a lovely and calm dinner with my loved ones.

I have the tradition of making a beautiful meal on Christmas Eve and on Christmas morning I have a tradition for my husband and I to enjoy a lovely and calm breakfast. I make French toast casserole and we drink eggnog. We travel to one family destination for Christmas dinner. It’s really beautiful. And calm. So beautiful, that I have found myself making our own seasonal and holiday traditions throughout the year.

Break old habits. I used to do a lot of things to survive. One was that no matter how hungry I was, every time I ate out, I only ate half so I could bring the other half home for an extra meal because I knew there would be no food at home. I did this when I cooked too. Now I eat until I’m full, even if it means no leftovers. I still find myself only eating half my plate sometimes and I remind myself that I can now eat when I want to. Perhaps you have some habits you used to survive and can afford to let go of.

Make your home into a home. I’m a renter still so there is a lot that I do not do, but I still hang some photos and decorate in a renter and budget friendly way. I will paint an accent wall or hang curtains. It’s important to set roots, even if it is only temporary.

One of the things I’ve been doing now that we rent a house instead of a tiny studio apartment is buying hosting supplies. I always dreamed of having family and loved ones over for meals. Seasonal picnics and holidays. I don’t own heirloom pieces, so I have started collecting my own. I thrifted a large collection of autumnal Memory Lane dishes that I now use for an annual Harvest Picnic at our place. Over the years I’ve collected the Johnson Brothers Night Before Christmas dining set for our Christmas Eve meal. I have purchased seasonal tablecloths, and tea sets, cookie cutters and serving platters. Things that I hope to pull out year after year after year to reuse for all of the new traditions I am creating, for this life we are building. It’s not about the things, of course. I want to create memories with the people I love.

Maintain relationships. If there are good people in your life, maintain those relationships. Whether it is a romantic partner, a friend, a coworker or a distant relative, maintain those relationships. Reach out. Make time for those who are important to you. Send birthday cards or even letters. The good people in your life are the most important element to your joy as time goes by. I feel so much gratitude for my friends and my cousins. I do my best to attend their gatherings and host them at our place to create the opportunity to spend our most important resource together, our time.

Practice gratitude. When I’m feeling down about something in my life now, I remember how far I have already come. I would never go back. Gratitude keeps my perspective more realistic when I’m falling into a spiral. It also reminds me of how good I really have it.

Creating a lovely life is not about the building you live in or the stuff inside. It is not about living a life that is perfect or without pain or hardship. Life will never be perfect and there will be hard times with the good. It is about creating more opportunities for the good when it comes to us.

Creating a lovely life is when you align yourself with your goals and your dreams. It is when you stop dimming your light for others and only surround yourself with people who lift you up, including yourself. It is when you make space for your feelings and have compassion for your past self so that you can live in the present. Building a joyful life is about creating a life you want for yourself. I hope that you never stop seeking your contentment and that you find your own way to live lovely.