Ten Signs Of Healing After Going No Contact

If you have gone no contact with an abusive (particularly an emotionally abusive) relative, friend, partner, or someone else, you will know well the combination of relief and grief that you experience considering and then acting upon going no contact. For most, it is permanent and a very last resort after exhausting all of our options tying to make the relationship work. For many, we’re left with no choice if we are to save ourselves and our emotional wellbeing from this toxic person. We have spent endless time trying to fix the relationship, wishing that this person or people could change, being treated terribly, getting therapy for ourselves to try to solve this, then one day coming to the realization that you have done the best you could and that this person or people are toxic to you. It was not your fault. You are the one that has been victimized here, although I’m sure they did their very best to play the victim in the situation and smear your reputation on your way out.

After the first few days of no contact the relief may dissipate. You may feel guilty, second guess your decision, and ruminate over all the hurt. You may be contacted by this toxic person’s enablers and “flying monkeys” who will try to guilt or hurt you on your abuser’s behalf. They might even be convinced that they’re doing the right thing while believing all of your abuser’s lies and using them against you. You may find yourself having to build other boundaries or going low or no contact with other people who are involved. You may experience flashbacks of events and play them over and over again in your mind. I know, as I have been there too. Some days you will wonder if there will ever be a day when you will feel better and stop thinking about them and all the hurt and betrayal they have caused you. You will wonder if there will ever come a day when you  stop worrying if you did the right thing. But I promise you, if you have walked away from an abusive person, you will one day feel gratitude and self compassion for your strength.

You made a difficult choice to put yourself first because the situation was completely toxic and out of your hands. You saved yourself. You will be thankful that you made the decision that you did. You will feel freedom and joy for the decision that you made. It could take weeks or months. It might even take years. But I promise, if you continue to take care of yourself and stay no contact, you will find happiness again. Your self-esteem will come back and you will feel so empowered for taking back your life. You life will heal and you will begin to thrive.

For me, the process was long. I ruminated for months, then it would come up often every week. I would sometimes miss this toxic person, then suddenly remember the horrific lies they told about me and their narcissistic rage. When relationships surrounding the one I walked away from also crumbled, I felt hurt and powerless. It felt like facing down a middle school bully again with all the rumors flying around. There was much healing to do and I was not sure if I ever could heal from it. Then slowly, I realized that I had gone days or even weeks without thinking about it. I was no longer narcissistic supply and they could no longer impact my every day life. The grief was lifting. The anxiety was gone. The depression had cleared and I found myself feeling joyful and inspired again by life. There are so many blog posts and articles about going no contact and why people do it. There are tips on how to do so or even how to attempt to heal the rifts, but very little on what happens after you begin to heal yourself. The truth is that for most of us, ending the connection and going no contact had been the one thing that saved us. For most, going back is not an option and we will never want to go back. We learn that we deserve better. The only thing we can do is move forward. But how? That is where I hope my blog can come in, to fill the void of what happens next. If you made the decision to get away from a toxic person or situation, you’re already healing.

On the days where I didn’t know how I could have a future with this estrangement, I wish I knew that there was a better future up ahead. That I would in fact heal from the trauma and the betrayal. That I could overcome the gaslighting and heal my self-esteem. That I would find joy again and create my own family out of the good relationships in my life. The only way to do so is to maintain no contact and continue to take care of yourself and put in the inner work. Then one day, something special will happen:

One. Going no contact itself is a sign that you are finally standing up for yourself and valuing your wellbeing and your life. You are ready to say enough is enough and take back your power. That is the ultimate act of self love. Instead of constantly issuing out second, third, fourth, fiftieth chances, you have had enough and you have drawn the boundary. You have recognized that you deserve better and you have acted on your best interests. It you have gone into therapy or taken other acts to move forward after no contact, those are the first stages of healing. You should feel proud of yourself, even though I know how difficult it is to feel good about yourself at this stage. You have made the first steps in healing your life.

Two. You have stopped ruminating. At first, you couldn’t stop thinking about what happened, replaying old conversations and events in your head. It was like a horror movie on repeat with no remote to turn it off. It may have kept you up at night, invaded your head during your commute to work, or have come up in so many of your conversations with your loved ones. You might have felt like you were constantly recovering from a trauma, even on days that should have felt happy and peaceful. No matter what you did, you couldn’t stop thinking about them. But then one day, you realize it has been days since you thought of that person. Maybe even weeks.  You realize that you moved on and you had no idea it was happening. It is like that lyric from Taylor Swift, “Then one magical night I forgot that you existed.”

Here is the entire first half of the song by the name “I Forgot That You Existed.” It really resonated with me and it might do the same for you.

Six. You have broken the cycle, You have been putting in the inner work so you no longer get mistreated by others. You have strong boundaries with people who try to take advantage of your kindness. You are no longer a people pleaser. You know how to say no when your heart says no. You have learned that sometimes saying no to others is saying yes to yourself. And when meeting new people, you recognize red flags and do not tolerate being mistreated. The other relationships in your life have improved. You appreciate and spend more time with the positive people in your life and less time with negative and toxic influences.

Seven. Your body is healed. You may feel stronger and healthier than ever before. If you had lost or gained too much during your abuse, you find yourself falling back to your normal weight. You get a full nights rest. If you felt sick or lost hair, you’re now feeling healthy and your hair has grown back. You might notice that you have less migraines or digestive problems. Your back pain might be gone. You clench your jaw or grind your teeth less and less. Your body has healed along with your mind.

Eight. Little by little your self esteem has come back stronger than ever. You feel confident doing your job or hobbies and you second guess and doubt yourself less. You feel good about yourself and your appearance. You dress in ways that make you feel positive about yourself. You dress for yourself and not anyone else. If someone says something negative to you or about you you do not take it as personally because you know your worth. Small negative experiences do not ruin your entire day. You may not even fear running into this person as strongly as you did in the past because you know you have the power to simply walk away and not engage.

Nine. When word of this abusive person comes into your day, it does not bring you back to that moment. You may still feel some sadness, anger, or even fear, but they no longer have control over you. You feel indifferent or even wish them well and move on. When you hear news of something good happening to this person, you can see through the facade and the public persona. It no longer makes you feel bad about yourself when they boast about their accomplishments because you recognize that most of it is all for show. You might even do something special for yourself and move on from it; you call a friend, get a massage, do a hobby, go for a walk, or even plan a little trip. Because you deserve it, not because they have made you feel small or insecure. And it is ok if a part of you basks in the fact that they’re probably boiling every time it is known how well you are doing. You’re thriving without their permission. Too bad for them, but you’re the true hero of this story.

Ten. You are more resilient. When bad things happen, it does not tear you down with it. You bounce back up over the small things and see more of the good than the bad. The past does not control you. You are living completely in the present. And most importantly, you know that if the worst happens you can take it on and overcome. You no longer blame yourself because they always blamed you. You have let go of all the guilt and embraced yourself. You know your own strength and you feel empowered.

You did something very hard. Going no contact is painful and one of the hardest things a person can do, especially if the person or people you have gone no contact with are your family of origin. Thankfully, by now we understand that true family are those who love and accept you unconditionally and treat you respectfully. Your family of choice is much more important right now.

And there is one more thing I believe I should add. You know that you are healing when you are kind and compassionate towards yourself. Instead of blaming yourself for what happened or constantly wondering “Why did I put up with it? Why didn’t I leave earlier?” We feel compassion for ourselves. We understand that we are not at fault. We recognize that we did the best we could at the time with what we had and that the reason why we feel so bad is because we are empathetic and good people. You will thrive.